"terrible, yes, but great"

last night, the eclipse i wanted so badly came. with a terrible terrible storm.
what am i talking about, you ask? let me tell you a story...


once upon a time,
the sun god and the moon goddess were great friends.
they were together every day, and were the best of friends.

but as all stories continue, they fell in love.
they became lovers, and were passionate about each other.
together, they thought they were unbreakable.

as a gift, the sun god gave the moon goddess the big dipper in the starry sky.
incredulous, the moon goddess was in wonder at how this gift touched her so; she wished she could give more to the sun god, for she loved him very much.
so she gave her life into him, she made sure she was always there for him, she held him, and made him laugh, and smiled.

but as life grew on, she realized how the relationship between the two was affecting them. within the bonds of love, they had lost their friendship.
frantic, she began searching for it, but it had slipped past her fingers.

they began to argue, and forget what it was like when they were friends.
one day, after an argument that cost them days of silence, the moon goddess knew what she had to do.

the day came to where they began to talk... they talked about a many great deal of things, and together, they decided they needed to rest from love, and find the friendship they had together.

but the sun god was proud; he could be beautiful when he was proud.
while they searched separately, each found different ideas of the friendship, and began to argue again.
it was as if the friendship was a lost cause.


desperate, the moon goddess tried one more thing. she wrote the sun god a letter, telling him she always will love him, and that the big dipper was his; he had always wanted it himself, and she found that he had given her a treasure that she wanted to give to him.
they needed space; space to grow as individuals and return to their real lives.


this is why the moon goddess comes out at night, and yet the sun god comes out in the day.
each are growing within their own space.

the moon goddess sees the big dipper at night, and smiles at it, knowing it is still the sun god's, even if it is her life. she was not ready to give him up entirely, but knew he needed to live life large.
she waits, knowing some day they will see each other again.



those days are called eclipses. they are the days they return to each other, and realize that the love will never be lost, even if the friendship is.

didn't you know how much i loved you [kellie pickler]

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

I can't get you out of my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone
You couldn't be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
From wanting you back to not giving a damn
I've felt it all
I've been to the wall

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you
And I'll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
I gave you everything, every part of me

you come back for reassurance, as my heart breaks one more time at each time you play with my heartstrings, unknowingly

i wonder and i'm scared of the power of wondering, of want, of doing...

"in a matter of time, those feelings come to pass; but not before they pass again and again"

my oh my, am i behind on blogging... december is such an interesting month. my thoughts run this way and that, half the time i have no idea what i'm doing, or what i am...
it's not that i'm lost, it's more that i'm in a trance of someone else.... so hard to explain.

so christmas has come and passed, way too fast...
my mom and dad have surprised me yet again.. :]
i was proud of my brothers, and glad everyone liked my gifts.
but, as christmas does every year, it marks another year. again and again. as my schedule is messed up and my sleeping hours are crazy, i seem to be in a state.. of what? i do not know.
thoughts run back to the past, even though i often am nostalgic.
ideas spring up, yet i am a coward to work with them,
but would it be a brave attempt to go with them? or crazy?

clueless i stumble; arms out for the Lord.....

so as the day after christmas comes to and end, blindly i go..

"you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye"

sometimes i wonder what i am thinking....

words unspoken

i've started things i cannot finish, for i don't know how to word them
too cheesy takes it to an obsession level
that's not what i'm going for
to harsh sounds like i'm hating,
and anything else sounds quite wrong

i just want to say i miss you
but that even can give the wrong impression
i love you sounds right
but as everyone says;
why? you can't say it in memory
or in passing anymore
it seems to have reached its height
and no more can it be said

in memory, i tell you
and shed a tear for you
because perhaps you may not ever stop really loving,
but you have to learn to live without it.

bffs become EXbffs and replace entirely too quickly

it's funny, but you really don't realize how much people affect you, until you are 'alone'.
funny thing when you pass your "ex"-best friend with her newly stated best friend... who of course used to be yours before.... silly things.
i really think God's telling me that he wants to show i don't need people, all i need is him. as i'm reaching out, trying to find that "guy".. give people second chances again and again..

funny that it has to be around christmas too.. good thing it's a family holiday :]


so... what do i do now.
i wish for hope.

and a bah humbug to you ;D

wow, for once i am behind on my blogging.
i have nothing exciting to talk about, really.
what has happened this past week, you wonder? hmm...

- work. stressful, grumpy, dreadful work. each day is a battle for motivation; each day i come home with a new reason to switch jobs. alas, with college coming up next fall, i really should not switch now...
- church. now that one is good. i love monday nights, each time i get more and more sucked into the high of Jesus Christ. i want him to be my king and i am getting there.
- drama. oh how usual it seems to become part of my life every freaking day. gahhhhhh. a friend has now told me that i stabbed her in the back because of. a. stupid. boy. oh; two, actually. yeah, nice to have a second chance [the 20th billion time of one] friend get you again. she is now not talking to me, and says she can never trust me.
- dance. ahh i'm dancing once or twice a week, so lovely... whilst dreaming of next year - cornish :D

idk... perhaps God is teaching me about loneliness.... i do forget all we need is him. perhaps this is the time to remember this. i've lost too many friends to care about it anymore; hardly. very sad indeed.

haha i find myself desiring a boy; one to trust with myself. there i have it again - i need no one. God i can trust. never need anyone else. but how hard, is that?
i find myself wishing for more, everyday. i need nothing else, i have more then i need already. i also complain way too much. why complain? i have a home, a future [ think lol], family, a job.
i can beat myself up, all i want. i seem to be ungrateful for christmas this year, without even realizing it. and that just makes me cry. that i'm completely ungrateful for what i have.
well, as i close this, remember, people, to think about what is most important of all, this christmas.

the betrayal of the soul, is an awful thing

why is it, when i tend to start to trust a person again, they betray me?
i hate people. you'd think i'd learn. especially by how that particular person acted AGAIN before. oh no. never seem to. because it just happened again!
i've lost so many friends because of this. it keeps happening. maybe i'm supposed to be a hermit or something. set myself apart from everyone because Lord knows i can't seem to keep friends with me.

"each betrayal begins with trust; for one should rather die than be betrayed. there is no deceit in death. it delivers precisely what it has promised. betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

i cried myself to sleep last night. why? a friend i thought i trusted, thought i had gained back trust from, after she betrayed me before, told me i was stealing her guys to flirt with. she "didn't like that. it was rude."
she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but i could tell something was wrong; i finally get the truth from her and i was reduced to a single soul without a castle to guard me, for i thought i had found a friend who could come in again. ohhhh no. she also tells me she doesn't trust me, and that she doesn't know why.... oh and that no one knows the real her.
after i got her truth out, i told her she had me in tears and i was going to bed.
her last response?
"what did i say?"






{Note: those who read the 'found a friend to come in', please don't find that offensive; i'm a very fragile person}

midnight wanders

haha had an adventure last night at 10.30ish...
i braved the freeway and picked up my dad :P his car broke down in renton.... lol so i went out and went on 167!!!!!!!! and made it there. by time that we got back at 12 i was really tired lol.
i mean, i was about to go to bed when he called...
so now, i don't have a car today!! woo-hoo :/
lol.







haha a boy gave me his number last night ;]

tonight is not the night for me..

tonight was unproductive; i'm so irritated by some events that i feel like crying.
i'm on that fateful roller coaster again.. i'm trying to keep my hands up this time; knowing i'm no longer on that wooden scary one. i'm on the metal one God placed me on.

work tomorrow; woo-hoo. lol.

i'm a mess. i feel horrible; and i'm also sick.
idk maybe i'm just pmsing... [i know you all wanted to hear that]


help me God, take me away
take me from those words i heard
from the man who told me,
he had the key to my broken heart
when really i had the sword again
how many times had i believed such a story
and i fell for it; again and again
how many times have i been told;
until i have nothing left to hold
God lift me up and take me away

away from that "knight" who painted his steed in white,
who's shining armour turned to rust, is beginning to sing his sweet poetry again
pretty words; face in mask
so convincing...
cover my ears and take me away

heal me from this monstrous fate
and lead me to greater things
for i am yours, and yours only
your love is better then any other.

snowy friday night

i realized my status has been "complicated" on facebook for a while now...
it was since april, then i had a relationship.
and has been ever since. it's like a boundary for me, another wall.

it's almost a reminder, that i am a complicated person, but a person with hope. i'm both.
it makes me wonder how the outside thinks of me.
i jump in so fast sometimes and please, keep taking it slow; or else i'd be a trainwreck already. sometimes i feel like i am.




"if you are missing me, i am in your shadows trying to decide where i belong/
days slip by; for i am nothing, if you are blind/so the shadows i remain as i try to wait for you to look back, for i belong in your arms; thus i have decided my path."

say hey, i love you

it's funny when you really have to watch what you say.
how you say it.
it determines what happens next, what could happen, why.

dangerous? oh yes.

monday night our pastor told us if we wanted to be a christ-follower, a real one, live dangerously and question God.
i did question him that night.
the next day? [yesterday] i didn't get on but two things happen.
1. i got accepted [early acceptance!] to cornish college of the arts,
AND
2. brian and i were texting all day.
:D God works in mysterious and dangerous ways.
hallelujah.

haven't blogged much, but

today, i went to the "grown-up doctor's" hahaha brain doctor!!!!!!!!! lol

you've made my day, sir. :D


and now, the rest of the day i am free.




church was epic, like usual. it was really great last night though. really amazing.

castle on a dream

i live in a castle on a dream,
floating...
the castle is dark and damp; silence echoes through its halls
in a comatose-like state, i wander aimlessly
trying to find my way through its mazes
but for what purpose? i wonder in my head
it is like my prison, and yet my comfort
outside i long to escape; yet inside protects me...
from what, you ask? i do not know

my long lost lover disappeared so many nights ago
i often wonder if he no longer rides his white steed
so i wait quietly
humming notes of a song we agreed


i live in a castle, floating on a dream
waiting for life to bring me elsewhere

black friday/

i clearly hate thanksgiving traditional stuff, except for the food and the family bonding time. [guess that covers quite a bit...]
last year i was up in tennessee with a friend and her crazy family for thanksgiving.
this year i ate at home GOOD COOKING and played scattegories with my family. much better.
i feel like thanksgiving almost marks a new year. what's funny is to think of where i was last year at this time. i was at college. barely seventeen. i had just broken up with my boyfriend of the time at the beginning of the month.
around this time the next month i found out i needed to stay home. i fell in love in december with a boy who i didn't even see until april, really. tell me how that is amazing. it wasn't a physical bonding. we marked out our stars and souls over the internet, late nights of spilling secrets.
i went into depression soon after january, the truth of great friends no longer there for me was a big hit.
i'm thankful for the time i had there at north carolina.
depression hit and life was a rollercoaster. [not to say it isn't now!!] i was picked up by a friend, and held onto dearly in one of the deepest "relationships" i have ever had. from february on things began to pick up.
i fell in love again. yes, i believe i had. i found two different kinds of love this year. summer was a race to reach the 'goal'. the goal of the boy.
i began to spend almost every night with this kid, my summer basically consisted of work and the Boy.
i am thankful for him; he pulled me up and out of depression.
september started and i no longer spoke with him. he went off to college and i am still here.
september's came and went, so did october.
i turned eighteen.
november is all but gone.
i am now in the midst of that humongous rollercoaster again... and it's hard to "rehab" it again, especially since your 'teacher' isn't there this time...

my hopes, dreams, desires and troubles have all changed, turned, twisted and are here again.
i am thankful for not losing my head completely.


and i have that butterfly of hope resting on my shoulder.

happy turkey day.

daily notes

it's interesting to realize that you are longing for something, or someone.
at the moment.. someone.
you start to remember everything good about them, all your memories, and the "badness" goes away....


so i'm creating a book. haha i know, my seventieth billion one.
i am and actually have been taking notes on what guys are. what they do. how they react.
this is going to be big.




and the rest of you; laugh now, it'll get big. the scheme of mine will go somewhere. hahahahahahaha

quoting william

"by your patience, no. my stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might, perhaps, distemper yours; therefore i shall crave of you your leave that i may bear my evils alone. it were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you" - william shakespeare, twelfth nigh

i want you to know - backstreet boys

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

therapeutic?

it is interesting how letters help you.
it becomes therapeutic, helping you thru your "alcoholism". lol.
what's funny, is for one thing, i will be doing this.
for the other? i wouldn't consider it period. haha. and i know no one can understand this, but there's a reason why i'm not saying anything.
we had problems with this too, yet this is helping me now.
who even knows what this is....

i don't think you read this anymore... but yeah. lol i'm going to stop typing now.
lol

i am eighteen and one day.

yesterday was the start of a new beginning. of some sort.
i am now eighteen. i am no longer a "child". but am i an adult?
i now can make an ebay account, pierce my nose, get tattoos all over the place, buy a lottery ticket; i can go buy a house, buy a plane ticket, move out, vote.
is this weird, or what?
i have entered the throngs of 'adulthood', yet i am clear eighteen. clearly i have to wait until i'm twenty to get out of being a teen?
oh so weird.

i got many wishes from many people :] thanks all.
funny how one side of the family totally forgot....
and the ones i was sure they'd remember did not, and those surprised me by wishing.
but now i'm obviously rambling.

off to work now.........
ciao

today, i turn 18. happy birthday to myself :]

and tonight, tonight is the last eve of my childhood....

if i could write a story, it would be about me and you
i'd write pages and pages of my nostalgia,
make sure it all comes out
if only i knew what to say...

your idea of a good friend was...

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in the gym so you wouldn’t have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn’t have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn’t laugh at you when you finished and broke out in tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn’t wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents you shouldn’t be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelve grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go…

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelve grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn’t deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through just about anything, helped you pack up for that college/university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at those 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it through college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of two choices, holds your hand when you’re scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold onto it a bit longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you.

no surprise (daughtry)

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

story by eliana clark (ncsa 07)

you should walk to his house and then throw rocks at his door
and then leave with a sweet kiss
and then keep coming back
but then at the last moment don't come and have him wanting YOU!
haha...well walking 20 billion miles away would make the "romantic movie" interesting
it would be like...i needed you
much more interesting then..ill see you next summer
you need spices in your soup for it to be edible
maybe you should fly there!
that would be romantic as well and less messy
yes yes! PLANE!!
sneak onto a plane
making you bad with the law would up the ratings
your a dancer...you can "move" around easier
well...love will let you do amazing things
you kissed him????
awww...well that earned you romantic story 1 star
yes but there are 4 stars for an Oscar

well now our plot will have to change

humm...then maybe instead of a plane you should go back to the walking
You will get muddy on your way and boys like girls a little "dirty" especially the young ones
you are going to see him a few times before next summer and it's going to be sweet and romantic...
you are going to fall in love and then go to camp with each other...soon you guys get older and things get more complicated...he finds another girl and you find another guy that is what would be classified as "perfect for you"....you date the new guy and get married
but then Eric comes back into your life by accident when you see him in a mall (or something along those lines)...you talk a little but nothing too deep...but then that night he comes to your window and throws rocks
he ends up taking you to a beautiful spot over looking a wonderful view...you make out under the stars and go pretty far
but then you have to go to your husband again (and he has to go to his wife)...but you don't feel bad because you still love him secretly
he leaves his wife a few years later and tries to win over your love once again...but you are afraid
finally you will see he is for you and you will fun into his arms and be happy
then you will grow old...and blah blah blah
END!

"You can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong, but at the same time, the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes, you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."

hanging by a moment - lifehouse

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

workworkworkwork

a long week, without even trying to, i've been working until at least five each day. yes, my hours are roughly 7.5 hours, but i've been going more then 8....
when i clocked out today, i hit 40 hours. and i'm about to go in for an hour tomorrow...... haha!
holey moley.


upgraded by 20 cents!
haha.

needless to say, i am exhausted. holey moley!

thoughts shoved together mixed into a poet's disaster

so blinded by love i don't know how to live
i'm so in love i don't know what to do
everything i want to give
is all done for you

so i'll cry for you i'll cry for me i'll cry because you're breaking my heart you see
but i won't tell you no i won't i can't let you see that side of me again
nothing happened nothing will
the wall was broken but built up again just weak
where will this lonely path end

falling in love is dangerous.
staying in love when you have parted is fatal

bahh

you have no idea how much you mean no matter how i hide it
it never works
i love you that's it
that's all i need


you have no idea how

that can break into a thousand pieces and mess you up so badly - is that good or bad?

passionate lovemud


i am green green for the entire situation
and hate that i am in love
stupid love don't talk to me
i'm crying anyway
those tears of rainbows washing away the feelings
or at least make believe

i want to run run to you
run away
or perish from these feelings

i cannot describe what i want to say


no matter what no matter how you still have half my heart and always will
and damn myself if i never recover
but damn you for enticing me
i love you. that's all i can say.

mind-boggling

it's amazing how music can rev you up so high with God
it takes a while to push you back down.
because God doesn't need you to "reach out" to him. he's right next to you. he's extending his hand out to you. isn't that completely crazy and mind boggling to try and really understand? you can't!

i've made mistakes i've tried to swallow my pride
in the end it doesn't work; it's something i cannot hide
so i'll give it to you, oh Lord,
and let it fall away
for you and only you can come and save the day

talk is cheap kisses are expensive smiles are quick grins are long hearts beat fast the mind runs slow i'm half way here half way not i've loved i've lived i've parted i've died.
but i arose from the ashes in the morn sleepless helpless hopeless in love.

love love love looove

sitting near the window
looking out to the beyond
playing stories in my head
while the piano sings the rest

a tear rolls down her face
as nostalgia clings to her heart
like a mold not wanting to let go
she cannot accept what will not happen
nor ever will
she stares out, not grasping the world around her
but prefers to sit alone and relive her golden moments in her head

one never really stops loving, but learns to live without,
reading your stories makes me wonder
what clues are interwoven within

the one guy she wants
she'll never get
the storybook is over
no happily ever after for her

sitting near that window
looking out to the beyond
playing her stories in her head
while the piano sings the rest

i cry for the memories i can never have
and know that love is still there

you can never stop loving someone..
but you can learn to live without.

she learns...
slowly, day by day
until she makes a cocoon of love
and i step forward in life
with nostalgia but a curtain behind me
her cape-like swirling in her wake
and i bask in the memory of her love

songs to lyrics

have you ever just listened to the lyrics and the meanings of the songs, instead of just singing them?
whisked away into dreamland,
playing that song over and over again
every word memorized
every pause perfect
tears running down
as the song itself hits home
deep deep into the heart

stop
stop
stop and listen
to the lyrics
hear the meanings of the song
instead of repeating your moments over and over again
and see how deep, the lyrics hit your soul.....

one of my many muses

"From now on it's eyes closed. You can find me here until I come home."
keenan jollif

today, i'm reaching out to God's hands, audition!!!

I HAVE AN AUDITION TODAY AND I'M SEMI FREAKING OUT
well i have God on my side and prayers in my pocket
my adrenaline's rushing and i am eating a healthy breakfast
ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh
thanks for those who have me in their prayers <3
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
this is nothing like any summer audition. this is legit.

goodbye/hello:hello/goodbye

"Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?"

but the hello always ends with the goodbye..
the kiss is the aloha, it is the hello, and it is the goodbye

i shall cry and cry and cry to get by
cuz i know you love me
but it will never work between us two
baby don't you worry
baby don't you cry
you're there, i'm there
with miles between us
so close are we in spirit, in heart, in soul

a whole new world on that magic carpet ride...
goodbye/hello:hello/goodbye
forever fatal
forever doomed

and i remain a hopeless romantic.

wait for me - theory of a deadman

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away

Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

"oh baby you did fall out the empire state building;

like a brick thrown across
crashing down
i'm no longer falling, i've fallen
BAM! flat on concrete

i think you're in love,"

boyz boyz boyz?

it's amazing how we really do change along the years.
we grow up with people, and fall apart;
we never meet them until an accidental moment and become best friends for life.

mortal enemies become the object of desire
we act differently to those 'certain' people...
hormones rage
mean becomes nice
boys like girls,
girls like boys.

i laugh at the fact our minds are changing from what we used to be sworn to think otherwise.
friend pacts are broken,
smiles are no longer hidden, eye batting is a new trend
whispers, giggles, the horror of the newfound feelings

what are these things?
haha ci <3

nostalgic for disaster

"it was awful waking up to music today and not to you going to class"

stars? oh why

why? idk why anymore then you can try to explain it
you asked "why did the stars pull us apart"
who the fuck knows. but i know magic is possible.

life works very mysterious ways...

you make me wonder, reconsider life
i think about how you changed my life, how you took a hold of it and flipped it
flipped it upside down and inside-out
boys are dumb.

"and our faces crumble at the shatter of a glass heart when the cold look you throw at us hits"

dangerous (the acclaim)

There is a passion stirring
In the hearts of Your people
There is a whisper growing
And its crying to be heard

Break the chains that bind us
Lord remind us
That we are marked
By the blood of our King

Our God is holy
He is victorious
Our God is mighty
Our God is dangerous

We come boldly
To Your throne
We surrender
To You and You alone

The world cannot hate us
For we are too much its own
Oh Lord make us dangerous

Shatter us with Your glory
Fill us anew
We will not be held back
Because all we want is You

tears of the saints (leeland)

There are many prodigal songs
On our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People's hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures

This is an emergency

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home
We're crying for them come back home
And all Your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

There are schools full of hatred
Even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation
In this state of desperation
For Your glory

This is an emergency

Sinner, reach out your hands
Children in Christ you stand
Sinner, reach out your hands
Children in Christ you stand

And all Your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

tears flow freely/for i am a new man.

stumbling to the alter
falling to my knees

comunion's been recognized and swallowed whole
tears flow freely
for i am a new man.
the hands of God's children sharing His power
tears flow freely
for i am a new man.

in front of the music
shouting His presence
in front of all to see
i give myself up to Him

the tears flow freely
for i am a new man.

the prayers were heard
and the questions answered
give me His grace
i gave Him my pride
i gave Him my anger
i gave Him my sadness
give me His grace

participation...
is that so scary to ask?

the tears flow freely
for i am a new man.
stumbling to the alter
falling on my knees

hand in hand with the one i need.

tonight, i gave it up.

fouette en pointe

we're doing fouettes in class today, and i'm on the music. like ON it.
at the end, i do spiral out of control, but the teacher tells me i'm going to fast!!!
i know i'm doing it correctly. and yes, everyone says that, but this one, it's right.

her dancers can't get on the music, and never have, so she's used to everyone else's tempo, and i'm the one wrong. grrr
it's not that i need a compliment or anything, but get out of your box! lol

sad thing is that it shouldn't bug me that bad.... lol....
cuz i am right there, counting it out with her, and it's what i was doing.
bah. humbug.

monday morning came too early

yes; 8:00AM for work is a bit too early. damnit i have to inventory there :(
yucky yucky
well it is my choice form doing it at 5.30 friday night lol after a stressful day...

oh joy. how i have come to dread work. stupid stupid drama... :(

i traded my place for a shooting star for a day, and i realized i was on the biggest adventure in my life;
cuz how i was never gonna look back, never gonna touch the ground again
i was flying higher then the highest clouds and smiling the entire way

fifteen (taylor swift)

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven't seen you around, before

'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like
There's nothing to figure out
But count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know
Who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in a class next to a redheaded Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the others girls
Who think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you're on you're very first date
And he's got a car and you're feeling like flying
And you're mamma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes you head spin 'round but
In your life you'll do things greater
Than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna
Marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen

la la la la la...la la la la la...la la la la la

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

the rollercoaster of depression sucks.
especially when the push of part of it is happening to slap you in the face five days a week.
gahhhhhhhhhh

"we become martyrs"

mar⋅tyr  [mahr-ter] –noun
1. a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.
2. a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.
3. a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.
4. a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.
–verb (used with object)
5. to make a martyr of, esp. by putting to death.
6. to torment or torture.
Origin:
bef. 900; (n.) ME marter, OE martyr < LL < LGk mártyr, var. of Gk mártys, mártyros witness; (v.) ME martiren, OE martyrian, deriv. of n.

Related forms:
mar⋅tyr⋅ish, adjective
mar⋅tyr⋅ly, adverb, adjective

fridayyyy

work is eating up my nonexistent social calendar, bit by excruciating bit.
it was an okay day for once, until something got put amiss... idk what it was and the mood was offkiltered :(
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
why the fuck can't we decide to solve problems?
if i was "calm" i wouldn't be bringing up the issue. i can't be two faced anymore. like we try to pretend we are.
i'm never "calm" in the first place. surely you'd know this by now.
really, i honestly don't think you like to solve problems. fuck. this.

goodbye vs. hello

your promise changes minds everytime, not matter how hard i run;
it's like that goodbye, i keep trying to say,
your hello counters it and waves it away
as hard as i try,
my goodbye never will counter what your
hellos bring me
so no more hellos, so i can give the goodbye i never wanted to say.







....but honestly,
..i couldn't live with a final goodbye.

vanilla twilight (owl city)

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

no surprise (daughtry)

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

what is it with those little things. those tiny little things, that snaps inside of you because of it, and you're jello?
why?

dusty friendships

i just wish i could make up for the years i took off on my own road and left you in the dust
left you standing there tears rolling down
without i glance back i road into the sunset
wishing ne'er to turn back

friends never turn on eachother,
well that's what i did
and left you for good

i drove and drove, and lost my way
i looked and looked, but with no prevail
i knew then, and i know now
i cannot find that way without you

i just wish i could make up for the years i took off on my own road and left you in the dust
left you standing there tears rolling down
without i glance back i road into the sunset
wishing ne'er to turn back


now i'm standing at the deep end of the pool
looking down into the murky waters
i'm ready to dive into the deep end,
hand in hand with you.

she fucking lied.

36 random questions

here's the deal a buch of random questions to be answered, and when your done add your own!!!!! and repost it!

1. Would you get back with your last ex if you could?
hell no. maybe if he grew up, there could be that possibility...

2. What color shirt are you wearing?
grey.

3. Would you kiss anyone on your friends list?
yeah i would/.

4. Do you have a 'thing' for someone on your friends list?
i could. but not really anything that's possible to happen.

5. How many people on your top friends list do you know in real life?
i don't really accept people i don't know in the first place

6. How many kids do you want to have?
two.

7. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
more the mother then the dad


8. What name would you want besides the one you have?
roxanne/

9. Would you ever make out with someone of the same sex?
hahahahahaha i have ;] no not made out lol

10. What did you do for your last birthday?
i did shit. lol i was at college and it was on a freaking wednesday

11. What's your main ringtone on your phone?
good girls go bad

12. What time did you wake up today?
7.20 with the snooze button to 7.46

13. What were you doing two nights ago?
dance then reach

14. Do you like having your hair pulled?
no

15. Name something you can't wait to do.
get out of quiznos.

16. Last time you saw your mom
this morning

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
i wish i had more compassion

18. If you had $250,000, what would you do with it?
disneyland. college. savings fund!!!

19. how long have you worked at your current job?
ughhhhhhhhhhhh off and on since november of 2007

20. Have you ever talked to Tom?
from myspace? no

21.Describe the underwear you have on?
orange ;]

22. Last thing you ate?
i'm eating saltines

23. What's your favorite month?
december

24. Your least favorite month?
february

25. What's the last piece of clothing someone borrowed from you?
my faux leather jacket which is in a different city now and idk when i'll get back

26. Who is getting on your nerves right now?
QUIZNOS

27. Most visited webpage?
facebook

28. Last person you text messaged?
my mother

29. Last person to make you sad?
becca

30. Would you take a bullet for your best friend?
duh

31. Favorite kind of drink?
java chip frappechino with extra chocolate chips

32. Favorite food?
pizza

33. Favorite dessert?
safeway chocolate cake/white frosting hahaha so original

34. Have you been to Europe?
no

35. If someone you hated died, what would you do?
pray lol

36. if you had 1 month to live what are you top 5 things to do
fly to ncsa and visit, then florida, go to disneyland, get a tattoo.

my friend has decided to design my tattoo.
hehehe :D

"it's the first thing you see as you open your eyes/the last thing you say as you're saying goodbye"
[thanks kacy]

"send me into the cities of bones, oh Lord, so you may prophesy through me within the walls of dry bones.."

out of the corner of my eyes, it is raining; but when i look out true, only the fog is laughing at me, watching the tricks of the mind toy with my head.

ciara <3

i may be that immature little girl inside, who smiles at everything, and giggles at the randomest things, but i have the entire castle built around me as my walls of armor.
you may think you're seeing inside, but really you're seeing the traps of my command. you try and get in and you may have made the biggest mistake of your life; i take no mercy and i can destroy you in a single scream.
don't try to mess with someone who's smaller then you, who hides with hair over her face and a cup of coffee in her hand, because behind that i've got God on one side of me, and my sarcasm on the other.
i'm not something that can be easily pushed aside, if you think you've seen me vulnerable, perhaps you've seen me pretend to be calm, but really i'm this crazy bitch who can be the greatest friend you'll need if you let me be just that. otherwise, i'm the bitch you'll regret messing with.
so when you've proved to me you're not like other boys, you're actually different, your own mind, your own person, maybe i'll talk. but for now, stay the fuck away from me and promise me you'll never try to get into my pants before you try to pronounce my name.

funny

today my newest picture on facebook was critiqued by a kid i went out with for a bit.
weirdest thing ever, and yet i find it hilarious.
another puzzling clue to figure him out.
but i don't want to go down that path. it was a hard path to go down, some 3000 miles away.
haha i sound depressed and lost love like. but, i can say with a proud heart, i'm not. not anymore.
though i do have to say that once he found this out, he's been strange...... lol.

9:44 today

good morning sunday, idk why i'm up.
i've got plans in my head that there's no way i can convince my mother to complete today.
christmas ideas have popped into my head, yet i cannot tell anyone, for then it would ruin the surprise.
today is semi sunny, lets hope it stays this time.
legos are the best toy that ever was made. seriously. i spent all day yesterday playing legos :D
boys are beyond assholes, i wish i could wack them all out of history. hahaha that makes no sense, but whatever.
there's a few that are okay, okay well about one, at the moment, because the other one Has been one. oh well.
girls wanna have more fun. i hate that song.
my family can't take teasing this morning. *sigh*
gotta love those sundays :(

cowboy casanova (carrie underwood)

You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
Your runnin your tryin to hide and your
wonderin why you cant get free

He's like a curse
He's like a drug
You get addicted to his love
You want to get out but he's holdin you down
cause you cant live without one more
touch

He's a, a good time cowboy casanova leanin
up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water but
He's candy coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
He gives you feelings that u dont want to
fight
You better run for your life

Oooohhh Ohh
Oooohhh Ohh

I see that look on your face
You aint hearin what I say
So I'll say it again cause I been where
you been and I know how it ends you
cant get away

Dont even look in his eyes
He'll tell you nothin but lies
And you want to believe but you wont be decieved if you listen to me and take my advice

He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin
up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water but
he's candy coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes and he only come
out at night
He gives you feelings that you dont want
to fight
You better run for your life
Run, run away dont let him mess with
your mind

He'll tell you anything you wanna hear
He'll break your heart its jus a matter
of time

But just remember
He's a, a good time cowboy casanova leanin
up against the record machine
Looks like a cool drink of water but
he's candy coated misery
Devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes and
he only comes out at night
He gives you feelins that you dont want
to fight

You better run for your life
Ooohhh oh
You better run for your life
Ooohhh oh You better run for your life
Oh You better run for your life

church tonight;

i love my church. i really do. the songs are AMAZING and i feel wrapped in God's grace when i'm in there. it's also nice to be sitting there next to friends. haven't been able to have that happen in a long, long time.
the pastor was passionate tonight.
we read about job. the best part about this passage, was;

"And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

8And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?"

satan did not ask about him, God did. how amazing is THAT?


:]

boys. are. fucking. stupid.



when shall i ever learn.

you may be waiting for that angel to take you out of hell, but i'm waiting for that fairy to take me out of neverland.

LOL

this is something to post.
I WAS PUT DOWN IN A BLOG.
yes. very big deal.
better yet, i am in becki's blog hahahahahahaha


poor rose - i'm there at becki's yesterday with conner, my brother, and at one point he goes, let's tackle anthony!
so we're running towards him and rose, and anthony hears us, looks back, starts bolting, and goes ROSE! RUN!
rose stops, screams bloody murder, and then books it.
poor girl!!! hehehehehehehe





i have caught a cold this week :(
pizza man needs to stop killing me with his eyes and handssssss

tuesday.

it's a blustery day in 100 acre woods.
and as the storm rages on the outside, a fire truck speeds by, confirming it's the end of the world.


lol today was long. slow. boring. and WINDY BEYOND BELIEF.
so it just so happens, of all days, prep is completely done before i get there. like, everything. there was nothing to slice, and i think two things on the list to do between becca and i.
took forever for the day to finish.


after, i went to becki's :]
first time, recording this in history, that anthony runs outside to HUG me. yes. HUG me. i was astounded. though i'm pretty sure it was because he really was hoping for food. hahahahahaha




working on my latest castle now. yes, legos.
here, mostly for becki, she'll prolly be the only one who really cares hahahaha
this one castle from brickcon i LOVED:

wish upon that star

i saw a shooting star
shortly after i went through time
watched it fade away into space
and wondered where it will go
make a wish, the thought goes through my head
of what? of you? of me? of us?
is it meant to be... or am i just wishing too many drunken star wishes...
how to know, and what to grasp hold of; do we hold onto hope, peace, or love?
do we draw out passion, emotions, or feelings?

i miss you. i do.
love flitters around, like that annoying fairy playing with your mind
is it real? or a version we tend to pretend with?
body language plays the key.

questions, questions; 1, 2, 3
who is going to think of me?

ramble, ramble, cough cough
the clock, still goes, tick-tock


i look up, and think of that shooting star long gone
maybe there's something else to wish upon
as i wait, thinking up my wish, another goes by, reminding me of the unfinished task,
that never ends.

our God is holy
He is victorious
our God is mighty
our God is dangerous

hello, i love you; won't you tell me your name?

breaking inside - shinedown

I caught a chill
and it's still frozen on my skin
I think about why
I'm alone, by myself
No one else to explain
how far do I go
No one knows
If the end is so much better why don't we just live forever
Don't tell me I'm the last one in line
Don't tell me I'm too late this time

I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside

Out here, nothings clear
Except the moment I decided to move on and I ignited
Disappear into the fear
You know there ain't no comin' back
When you're still carrying the past
You can't erase, separate
Cigarette in my hand,
Hope you all understand

I won't be the last one in line
I finally figured out what's mine

I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside

I won't be the last one in line,
I finally figured out what's mine

I don't want to live
To waste another day
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't want to fall and say I lost it all
Cause baby there's a part of me to hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm breaking inside
And I feel like I'm breaking,
I feel like i'm breaking inside

"everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down"

to you, and right back to me.

...where that hurt channels in through,
...right through your heart and out your throat
back thru your stomach and into your lungs
...and your brain and eyes and it just....oh my gosh hurts so so bad
right down to your toes and back up again...

all for you [sister hazel]

Finally I figured out,
But it took a long long time
Now there's a turnabout,
Maybe cause I'm tryin'
There's been times, I'm so confused
Down my road, will it lead to you?
Just can't turn and walk away

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say it, I can't do
Enough to prove, it's all for you

And I'd thought I seen it all,
Cause it's been a long long time
Oh bothered that we'll trip and fall,
Wonderin' if I'm alive
There's been times, I'm so confused
Down my road, will it lead to you?
I just can't turn, you walk away

Its hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say, and I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

Rain comes pourin' down,
Fallin' from blue skies
Words give out a sound,
comin' from your eyes

Finally I figured out,
But it took a long long time
Oh now there's a turnabout,
Maybe cause I'm tryin'
There's been times, I'm so confused
Down my road, will it lead to you?
Just can't turn, you walk away

Its hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

Well it's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say, I can't do
Enough to prove, it's all for you

Hard to say
Hard to say, it's all for you

predictable.

nine hours. nine freaking hours.
course, i accidentally forgot to clock in yesterday, and i'm now 40 + 15 hours over time hahahahahahahaha



it's been a long day, just like a predicted.




tomorrow. tomorrow holds a dance class, college work, and church.
:]

friday.

friday; long day today...

i've realized, i've never gotten a comment on my blog. funny, hmm?
haha.

i got 9 hours of sleep last night...... i did not want to get up today!!






my head's confused, my body's jello. haha.
peace out girl scout, time for work soon.

you know when it's 10:20 and you're exhausted, you should go to bed.

today,

today i rest, today i sleep.
today i wake, today i work.
today is the day where motivation is the key,
something that never seems to be with me.

today i'm becoming that person i never am...
today i'm here, like i always will be.
today i sit, and shake my head;
at the follies you always create away


today, i wonder where i am
why i'm here, and what will happen

but today i get up to work, i get frustrated, i stress, i make people happy
i come home to family and get up again
to repeat the cycle all over again.

these days [rascal flatts]

Hey baby, is that you?
Wow, your hair got so long.
Yeah, yeah, I love it, I really do.
Norma Jean, ain't that the song we'd sing in the car
Drivin' downtown, top down, makin' the rounds
Checking out the bands on Doheny Avenue.

Yeah, life throws you curves,
But you've learned to swerve,
Me, I swung and I missed,
And the next thing ya know, I'm reminiscing...
Dreaming old dreams, wishing old wishes,
Like you would be back again.

I wake up and tear drops, that fall down like rain,
I put on that old song we danced to and then,
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed,
Punch the clock, head for home,
Check the phone, just in case,
Go to bed, dream of you,
That's what I'm doin' these days.
Yeah that's what I'm doin'

Someone told me, after college, you ran off to Vegas,
You married a rodeo cowboy,
Wow, that ain't the girl I knew,
Me, I've been a few places,
Mostly here and there once or twice,
Still sortin' out life, but I'm doin' all right,
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

Well, hey girl you're late, and those planes, they don't wait,

But if you ever come back around this sleepy old town,
Promise me you'll stop in, to see an old friend, and until then

I wake up and tear drops, that fall down like rain,
I put on that old song we danced to and then,
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed,
Punch the clock, head for home,
Check the phone, just in case,
Go to bed, dream of you,
That's what I'm doin' these...


I wake up and tear drops, that fall down like rain,
I put on that old song we danced to and then,


I wake up and tear drops, that fall down like rain,
I put on that old song we danced to and then,
I wake up and tear drops, that fall down like rain,
I put on that old song we danced to and then

if you only knew {shinedown}

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that wen't wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

haha. i laugh at myself.

knowing every so often i actually get to see you under your 'armor'...
and you made me smile today; though i'm sorry about half of what's up.

lol guiltily, i still am smiling.
it's nice to know that i'm not the only one doing the missing.

"I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent"

shinedown. 'if you only knew'

and i still hold onto that letter you gave. damnnnnn i do miss you. it goes in spurts. i'm over it. for the most part. what a wonderful feeling to know. hahahahaha.




sounds like i might be teaching two classes again tonight.
work in 20.
peace.

the whole point of a blog is to vent, not to explain.
i do not have to explain who it's about, what it's for, where it was.
if you want to read it, read it.
but don't expect answers.





now just change the word to "blog"






and no. i'm not just talking about you, so don't even think so, please.
have a nice day :]

lets go fly a kite [disney - mary poppins]

With tuppence for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You're a bird in a flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin' up there
All at once you're lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over 'ouses and trees
With your first 'olding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Let's go fly a kite!

ughhh

i am tired of the bullshit surrounded me.
can't you grow out of it?
maturity. that's a strange word to the people.

i'm just tired of it all. seriously.
i really hope i get out of here next year. because this is just stupid.
grow up.

monday...

i am exhausted, my legs are far gone;
lol.


i subbed four classes tonight. four. freaking. classes.
dance classes.
first class, ballet 6, was good.
pointe? not as good as i hoped.
ballet 2. the class itself is a disaster.
ballet 3 was good :]



myself is not so good. i am deadddddddddd



not even going to bring up today at work.

yesterday was good.

BRICKCON WAS YESTERDAY
lego convention :D


totally amazing.
i cannot to even begin to describe the magnificence of it.

aisles upon aisles of pure lego products built within creativity.


so yesterday when we all got home; you can probably guess what we were doing. lol yep. building legos!
there was this one castle that i absolutely love there.
the only thing? everyone of the lego "helpers" were bitches. geeky guys who looked bored to death told us not to get too close. we'd get in trouble for just pointing for legos' sake. all we wanted to to was freaking look hahaha

ohh it was fabulous. magical.

daddy's money [ricochet]

Can't concentrate on the preacher preaching
My attention span done turned off
I'm honed in on that angel singing
Up there in the choir loft

She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
More laughs than a stack of comic books
A wild imagination
A college education
Add it all up it's a deadly combination
She's a good bass fisher
A dynamite kisser
Country as a turnip green
She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
And look who's lookin' at me

Her second cousin was my third grade teacher
I used to cut her grandma's grass
Back then she was nothin' but knees and elbows
Golly did she grow up fast

She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
More laughs than a stack of comic books
A wild imagination
A college education
Add it all up it's a deadly combination
She's a good bass fisher
A dynamite kisser
Country as a turnip green
She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
And look who's lookin' at me

Lord if you got any miracles handy
Maybe you could grant me one
Just let me walk down the aisle
And say I do
To that angel with a choir robe on

She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
More laughs than a stack of comic books
A wild imagination
A college education
Add it all up it's a deadly combination
She's a good bass fisher
A dynamite kisser
Country as a turnip green
She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
And look who's lookin' at me
She's got her daddy's money
Her mama's good looks
And she's lookin' at me

and it's only saturday.

so. my day was definitely pretty interesting. haha.

morning: get up early for an open house for cornish!!
loved it; i'm stoked to audition.

personal statements suck; i'm trying to finish it. . . lol

afternoon: go to mt. peak with conner.
we get lost. yeah. lost.
so we end up coming down from the back of the peak, and all together? we walked/jogged/power walked about three or four miles. two freaking hours until we called my dad to save us.
i'm just a tad bit tired.....

night:
the night was good. church. 'nuff said :]



oh. and i realize this morning, i'm STRAWBERRY BLONDE thanks to that stupid hair dye hahahhaa.
so my mom used it first, cuz she's got short hair, she's like, you can use it after and get rid of the red/now-turned-orange in your hair.
i dye it. it's lighter then the really dark color in her hair. my red is not gone. so i am no strawberry blonde on the top of my head with reddish/orange now, and dark colors underneath. haha.


tomorrow:
i'm really excited, we have BRICKCON tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the lego convention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
thank goodness it's sunday; i don't have work.

delete.delete.delete.

i am curious...
i think about deleting my facebook sometimes. give everyone my email. idk. i grow tired of it sometimes.
but no, i am NOT following suite, and if anyone dares to think that, you're pretty ridiculous to think that lol.
considering why it happened in the first place.
oh. by the way, if you don't like how this is going, by all means. don't read. lol only logical thing to do.

idk. i can write stuff what i want to in my blog. heck i do that more then facebook sometimes anyways.
the problem? people really don't use their email much :/ so idk.
i should prolly work on finally deleting my myspace first hahaha
there's like those maybe five friends i have on there that i randomly talk to. gah hahaha
this sounds ridiculous, it's just freaking myspace and facebook x] love to know the world is addicted to the computer.

today is friday.
thanks heavens.

i don't know what to say,
but i'm smiling.

we'll talk of cabbages and kings,

seven o clock this morning cam around and i came out, told my mother to wake me up at 8, and went back to sleep.
i am sooooo SORE!! hahaha didn't think i would be.
x]

anyway i'll prolly go walking with conner today anyways; it's my "brother bonding" time, according to him ;] he wants to go walking.


boo work today :( i'm so tired of it; i wish i had that day breaks like i used to; i liked saturdays. but then again i couldn't go to saturday pnb classes.... or even church saturday night.
it's just so... yeah.






today i'll dream of castles and seas, of love and kings,
i'll dream of your voice, your smile, of memories,
of surpassing the long stretch of the nile

that comes between us...
and i'll dream on
waiting for your excuses
as i wait, and live on with life.

i do not understand you, no at all do i understand.

oh mornings

so i ran. i believe about 20 minutes. i was tired when i got back hahaha
but now i'm going to have to go to work in about 20 :P trying to decide if i hould pick up so coffee on the way or not.. hmm..





i hope you had sweet dreams, because mine was not as pleasant.

seven o clock sharp

last day of september, already, and i'm about to get myself out to go for a run.
7:00am.

here goes nothing.



and what you said last night, i know was real. i knew it from the first time, till now. and i mean it too.

the solid rock {christian song, sung by many}

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

untitled thursday[s] project

i stand before the cross
as tears fill my eyes
i sink to my knees
beneath your never ending glory
no longer can i look above
i've fallen to a point where i need your help
i'm being torn in two
but i'm still hanging on...
i don't want to let go of such a life
it was mine, and mine alone
but when i came back, and listened to you,
i fell on the ground, and retreated back,
back to the life that i thought i left behind, to where i grew up in,
that small place i thought i deserted.
on my hands and knees i knelt,
crying my tears of sin
i left you, when i left home, and i never once looked back
pick me up, oh Lord, and push me where i belong
is it considered sinful, that i still miss the life i lived?
is it bad, that i still love the ones i love, and want to be with them?
i know i am guilty, i know i was wrong, but in my head i have a silly love song
life only moves forward,
there's no going back
yet i still want to hold on...
is that wrong?
i don't understand you, i barely get what you do,



{to be continued}

tonight, i learned about honesty.

i don't even know how to describe how wonderful i feel right now.
my life is taking a good turn now!!

:D

"i'm the chicken you're the egg"

beware: only read if you can take it.

hyp⋅o⋅crite
  /ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ [hip-uh-krit]
–noun
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

[untitled poetry]

across this rainy universe, my Lord,
i feel this gravitational pull
i don't know what it means
all i know is i'll start walking
and never stop until i reach my destination
where that may be
guitar in one hand,
God's shield in the other
i walk upon broken glass
fightin with one hand,
trying to extend love with the other
so with my music as my friend,
i step forward with confidence
across the rainy universe, my Lord,
with you pulling me along.

idk what to say

wow.
i am completely shocked at how people react.
that's all i'm going to say; and that hey/ i've got freedom of speech.
just like you've got your own opinions.



wow.

west coast friendship [owl city]

Are you out there? Where the rainy days begin
To feel rather sad and walls are closing in like the darkness around me
It's so hard to look away when the daylight doesn't ever stay
Above this dull apartment view oh I will surround you
It's quite clear that I'm stuck here
So I'll devise a plan and cut out a door in my new living room floor
The porch light is so bright
That I will quickly sneak down the dark metal shape of the rusty fire escape
I bought a one-way ticket (first-class)
Cuz I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane and we were going down
And I woke up beside the ocean and I realized
I must be in California
Aloha, my happy west coast friends
Do you feel alive when the breaking waves arrive and rush all around you?
The beach homes in Oceanside are quite well-known by the evening tide
And we can sleep where we reside with redwoods around us
The blue air is up there and could I bring it down,
I'd bottle it up and save it for a sweet summer night
I bought a one-way ticket (first-class)
Cuz I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane and we were going down
When I wiped the tears from my eyes, the warm water took me by surprise
When I wiped the tears from my eyes, the warm water took me by surprise
And I woke up beside the ocean and I realized
I must be in California
I must be in California
Am I awake or is this just a dream?
The New Year is out here and
I will make a lovely list of your charms
So I'll never feel alone in your arms
I must be in California
I must be in California
Oh my dear, I can feel you here

the green monster of betrayal

the hurt one can feel,
from betrayal from the friendship
is just as bad as a broken heart.
why is it as bad?
because a broken heart is what you get.

"before you start blaming and pointing fingers, have the decency to wash them first"

this world is just as bad as any high school drama.
i want out of it. i want above it.
i hate betrayal. it's happened before. it's happening now.
the sad part is, i want to yell and scream, but alas, i cannot.
i shouldn't. i've done enough damage, i don't need them attacking more.

the thing that kills me the most; you call yourself a child of God. and you follow him. now is that really how a child of God behaves? does?

don't get me wrong. i'm nt calling myself perfect or better then you.
but i'm saying at least i know what is happening and am not blinded by the green monster that seemed to have attached itself onto you.

smurf+life+dislike=idk

smurf. hahahahaha





i sometimes rather dislike myself. the whole i am not motivated to do anything :[ then i think of it's not that hard, get into it, and then what if i do, what about then!?
yuck. bunch of psychobullshit.
*sigh*





working on apps. eek.
rolling along the boring trail of life. haha.

flirtacious work

i'm laughing at the fact this cute guy is still trying to convince me to date him.


so i meet him
one night i'm working with a coworker and this kid from little caesar's comes running in asking if either of us have a dime, he really needs one and he'll love us forever if we have one.
well i have one.. i go get it.
this kid exclaims he loves me and asks if i'd go on a date with him.
ummm no? lol he was severely disappointed. haha
so he later tells me good night, and that he loves me again.....

i see him a lot after that, he works days too.
later on he complains to me that he doesn't know why i wouldn't.. haha

so i find out later what his name is hahaha jordan.
he's a flirt, or so i hear.
he keeps trying.
i said i wouldn't, i always to. gahhh hahaha
he's making me laugh, that's for sure x]

somewhere over the rainbow

i guess it's weird to realize when you finally realize you're beginning to not be in love with that person anymore...
when it crosses back over that line of infatuation.
i wouldn't say i'm completely over you. but i'm starting to.


i laugh at the fact that you told me it was awkward of me talking about a boyfriend; yet you'll talk to me about at least three girls every night.
you talk about you've always liked 'her', and aren't sure what to do now, because of what you've told me.
you think this doesn't hurt? i never get you haha

you're starting to go down this path that i never can go; not that i could in the first place, but i don't know what you're doing.
i didn't know you at the beginning last year... were you like this too?


but finally. i'm getting over you. bit by damned loving bit.

people don't like the truth, as the truthsayer says.
but as i tell one truth, i get rejected
lies come out, and i am tested
i think of my people who i learned the truth from,
and i frown at the world.

i am the truthsayer.




or is it toothslayer......

the truth hurts, btu would you rather live a lie?

people don't like me.
why?






the sad thing is? i tend to be truthful; and people no longer like the truth.

another friendship seems to fall :(

it's amazing how far one goes to believe lies
it's sad to think one wn't go ask for the truth, because they'd rather wallow in self pity.
it's tiring to keep fighting for a friendship towards one who doesn't seem to want it
it's kind of funny when you talk about losing that friendship while speaking to that very person about it; and they are clueless.
it's sad to be pushed away, especially when you see them talking about they have no friends...
it's irritating when while one is wrapped up in their own hurt of drama, they create more towards you and they never realize it hurts just the same.
it's disappointing that you still hold onto anger towards others, and tell everyone you're just 'looking out for them'.

do you really believe the lies you tell?
do you really expect it to happen like it seems to in your world?
go ahead, throw away friendships, lust after anger, hang on to every move of them all.
go ahead, tell me lies to 'get me to tell the truth', let me get mad one more time, and leave me in the dark crying.
go ahead, expect everyone to pity you, complain to me like i'm your best friend, and then push it all away to be in your all-about-you world.
you know what? it's okay to have a broken heart. i do.
it's okay to be depressed. i have those moments.
but for God's sake, and yes i'm using the Lord, hold on to your friendships. you're going to need them when everything abandons you. there'll be a time when you will doubt God, and you will have nothing on the earth to hold onto either. that will be the peak of depressment. it's not fun. i've been there, but usually it seems to be the fact people have pushed me away; not i've pushed them.
it's horrible.
there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
but are you going to go blindly the other way?
or are you willing to follow it? let go of your still buried anger? hold hands with your friends?

i miss you. i really do. but you frustrate the heck out of me. i can't believe you'd accuse me of something you know very well i do not do. that hurt so bad last night, you'll never know how much that pain is. i'd thought better of you, and the fact that it happened... i got off crying, because i knew if i stayed on, i'd yell and scream and ruin my side of the friendship that's still hanging on.
you've hurt me too many times for someone practical to keep this friendship. i should have let you go a long time ago. but i haven't, and it hurts. a lot.
now will you remember that people actually love you?
or will you push them all away?
because i love you.

TODAY WAS NOT MY DAY

i sliced the tip of my thumb off today :(

as well as jammed another finger, and burnt a different one.
stayed 40 minutes overtime in work,
and had to deal with a stressed out boss.
really wanted to sue him..... too bad my bank includes 18 dollars.... damn.


cute boy though..... funny story on him but haha.
found out his name - jordan.
he always says hi to me. and i'm pretty sure he's a flirt.
and i told myself no more boys.


note to self:
NO MORE BOYS, BRYN.

i miss you?

it's funny how those little things set you off.
like when something happens and it makes you go "oh," and then hits you like BAM!

realizations make you miss a person right then and there at that moment.
especially those types where those instances where just for a moment, you actually miss that person; not the memories, not the stories, and not the dreams. you miss the person, and what that person did for you.
that's usually when you realize why; why you haven't let them go, and why you still love them.


oh the woes of life. of love. of us.
teenage angst? i'm not even sure if that's it anymore.
i want more. i want a difference.
i want to be able to look back without regrets and say yes, that was one of the best times of my life, and be over it.
because once you step forward, you can't step back. no matter how hard we try.
i want to be able to stop wishing it was that way, because i'm never going to get it back. but damnit the harder i try, the harder it is to let go.
it's not like it's going to happen. it can't. you'd think i'd learn.
life's fucked up. haha x]

bryn's vacation.

i have just come back form my FIRST ROAD TRIP [not familywise.] [well.... uh family, but not immediate family.]

so i went with my cousin to oregon to visit her best friend at linfield college in portland!


we went up sunday afternoon and ate pizza for dinner.
this place in portland is the posh area; rich people live here hhahaha

MONDAY:
the next day after we ate at a great bagel place for breakfast, then on to shopping around.

found a fabulous jack for 18 dollars!! at the only-18-dollar store haha

we late for breakfast so we had chips and salsa for lunch/snack

later eating pad tai [first time YUMMMM] for dinner.
after dinner we left for mcminfield [?] to the old college to visit another friend of my cousin's; playing two games of cranium there.
we stayed up a bit playing cards - i learned the game 'GOLF'.

TUESDAY:
my cousin and her friend seem to like lazy mornings. when we finally got out to get to the ZOO!!!!!!! it was like 11; and we spent a FREAKING HOUR trying to find parking!!!!
so when we finally did, the zoo was amazing. it was set up so fabulous!!!
so four and a half hours there, and we came home to hang out with another friend and nap.
so we ended up eating dinner LATE - which included spagetti and garlic bread.
staying up waay too late playing golf and chocolate cake!

WEDNESDAY:
early morning to catch coffee with best friend of my cousin's, and onto the road to come home :(
got home at about 11ish.

WOO HOO!!





best thing? i love that we both found out a lot more about each other on the way there.. like we both relaxed around each other :D we're a bit of wild children.

crazy little thing called love

"you really shouldn't say 'i love you' unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget"

yes, i know; i'm on this 'love' track.
i'm not sure why.. well, that's a lie i guess. i know why... but who likes to admit that stuff, hmm?
it's hard to give up things you don't want to give up. it's hard to accept it won't be like that, possibly never again.
what if it was everything you ever wanted? do you keep holding onto it because of its magic? or do you let it fade into the wind, keeping it in your box of memories to treasure..

funny, i keep trying to help a friend out with that stupid heart of ours, and yet here i am, not being able to follow my own advice i give out... sure, i don't have much stuff, and sure, i talk to the bastard who seems to still have a part of my heart, but jeez. you think it would be easier? seems to be not.

who needs that kind of love at the moment? i can't deal with it.
really, love makes you a liar.
but it causes you to be truthful to the point where it can hurt, mostly to yourself.

"love makes you a liar."

broken doll

say what you want; believe what you see
but your sticks and stones can never break me

if you say you're above all this shit, then why did you pick the fight in the first place?
jeez and damn.




took a ballet class yesterday, a little bit lot sore today haha


sometimes i wish i could go and say something... but what? i realize after all this i still want your friendship... something you've gone out and lost :( idk what to think anymore. i'm really trying to hold back commenting about this nasty hurt i am still feeling inside from what you did. i really think you don't think i hurt as bad as you, that you've got it the worst. well you don't. i won't go to say i'm hurting more, because i highly doubt that, but i'm pretty sure we're equal. don't twist things up anymore; you've now seen where that's got you the last two times... when you say you're proud, well i'd say got off your high and mighty. you're got all these people who want to be your friend and help you. are you letting them? all i've got is about two and a blog. jeez; you're even still better off and i bet you'll never know it.
*sigh*
i might even say i miss you, but hell i'm guarding my heart because i do not want this to ever happen again. i made a promise to myself, that night, and i'm going to stick to it.
not everything goes your way, and you can't hide behind excuses forever.






i am broken, God, please fix me.