no.

so stupid :(
this day just wasn't my day.
yeah so the power went out last night. alright.. not that huge big of a deal.
my dance classes went well.
lunch was fine.
that damn party wasn't the best.. don't know who/boy/girl/age it is and so just wing it, only to find out that oh yes... there was a theme, and it's not the correct colors... [this was a birthday party at work] so later on we find where all the decorations are.. my new supervisor put them somewhere crazy. ended up whipping everything out fast, but the poor twelve year old girl only ended up seeing three guests. one of them was a cousin... don't know if that counts or not.. but because of this poweroutage and stuff... :\ i felt bad for her.
get off at a good time for work then find out at about five that oh. the wedding? it's starting now. not at 6. racing out the door with half finished makeup, pinched my finger so i have a blood blister there now... completely miss the wedding itself because i get myself lost and lost it. called mother to get me to this damn church. yes i said damn church. [it's latter day saints anyways] lost it again in there for a tiny bit only because i looked like i was crying so yeah duh i'm not stable then lol.
get home finally to learn power is back up and then to walk up and find my fucking bird died. :( :( :( :( :( was fine an hour before and my family has made sure all of them were fine. he was in such a position i was a basketcase for the rest of the night and idk. so so so miserable.
ugh.

thank God christmas is coming soon.

"I’m left here asking, when did I trade in my bleeding heart for a selfish win?"

from "dead poetic" - vices

you can tell i'm that bored.

1. What was the highlight of your week?
seeing meghan three times :] and red robin.

2. Whose car were you in last?
rose's

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
ha. i almost wish i could predict that.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
blue! with ncsa 08 summer intensive on it

5. How long is your hair?
almost to my armpits [long for me]

6. Are you good looking?
ha. not really.

7. Last movie you watched?
the african queen!!!!! <3 humphrey bogart!

8. Who were you with?
family

9. Last thing you ate?
drinking a smoothie and had coffee

10. Last thing you drank?
oh. drinking smoothie and HAD coffee/

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
oh dear. can one break it themselves? april of 09

12. Who came over last?
meghan!

13. Are you happy right now?
i seek to be joyful, but yes, i am happy it's christmas season, as well as God is giving me so much!!

14. What did you say last?
i was telling my mother about how the natural jiffy peanut butter tastes different then the normal jiffy peanut butter.

15. Where is your phone?
in front of me

16. What color are your eyes?
mud brown.

17. Are you left-handed?
nope.

18. Spell your name without vowels:
brn.... i'm going to count Y as a vowel?

19. Do you have any pets?
lol. four yorkies, one lab, [one yorkie has 6 puppies at the moments], nine birds, and then a cat that lives outdoors

20. Favorite Vacation?
disneyland. duh[:

21. What do you dislike currently?
that my feet are cold?

22. What are you listening to?
my birds next to me... or i just listened to 'a merry swiftmas' my evan taubenfeld.

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
is that a heart's desire? that'd be my secret hahaha
idk.

24. What is your favorite scent?
that's really hard.

25. Who makes you happy?
connecting with my friends... so meghan. the most i think.. devin..

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
reading a jodi picoult book - house rules [about a kid with asperger's syndrome who is arrested for murder]

27. When is your birthday?
november 19

28. Who has the same phone as you?
haven't seen anyone with it.

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
ha. summertime.

30. Do you read your horoscope?
i read when i get my magazines.. but not much else

31. Where was the last place you bought something?
target!

32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
i would like it to be a little longer but i like the color right now haha

33. Do you bite your nails?
yeah :/

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
yes actually, my first boyfriend gave me a necklace i've seen the price on... another necklace from my rents and an earring from a pair of diamonds.

35. Do you wear any expensive jewelery?
yes. i sometimes wear all three at once.

36. Myspace or facebook?
facebook. used to have myspace.

37. How fast have you driven a car?
lol. 85? 90?

38. Have you ever smoked?
lol...

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
english. i loved writing.

40. Do you have Verizon?
nope. t-mobile.

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
oh jeez. well idk... i guess so far it hasn't been anyone christian and every one of them my mom has not liked. but all had different personalities... oh. but they all were needy.

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
hidden ;D well i started therapy school once so i can actually touch your body and feel all you knots, torture you and actually make you feel better within a week.
no idea...

43. Last song you listened to?
a merry swiftness by evan taubenfeld!

44. Do you like to sing at all?
haha. yes.

45. Dream Job?
dance company, then teach dance, with SOMA [therapy]

46. Where does most of your family live?
around washington.

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
two younger brothers

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
lol. in some ways, yes.

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
ahh!!! they're playing that one song! [a merry swiftness]

50. Do you drink?
lol..

51. Know any other languages?
i can say very minimal in french and spanish. VERY minimal

52. Ever write a coded message?
that's the fun in being friends with people

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
no.

54. Do you have any children?
HELL no.

55. Did you take a nap today?
i woke up half an hour ago.

56. Who has the same birthday as you?
tazshia!!!! and josh.

57. Ever met anyone famous before?
yeah. ethan steifel. [dance]

58. Do you want to be famous one day?
only within my friends and family.

59. Any Pet Peeves?
people hitting [drumming] loudly while we're all listening to music... i seem to be more and more OCD lately...

60. Are you multitasking right now?
guess i am.. smoothie, texting my dad, and doing this, listening to music... i wasn't really thinking about it haha

61. Do you like Britany Spears?
her songs, yes. her, no.

62. What is your least favorite chore?
dishwasher. lol

63. Last place you drove your car?
to red robin's to celebrate meghan's birthday, and she put me in there too.

64. Ever been out of the country?
no.

65. Where were you born?
tacoma, washington.

66. Could you handle being in the military?
probably not..

67. What is your average cell phone bill?
lol. i average for 30$ with it being unlimited texting lol

68. Who are you thinking about right now?
lol. wasn't until you asked.

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
really really hard? when my dad kept spilling his lemon tart all over the place.

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
does this count dance shoes too? lol jk um eleven without counting the five more dance pairs of shoes.

71. Are your toes always painted?
no. dance makes them just come off.

72. How many piercings do you have?
six, the seventh is gone now and though i have the fifth one kind of closing up.

73. What are you doing today?
i am going to try and make myself take a at-home ballet class and then work tonight.

74. Have you ever been gambling?
nope. only in chips.

75. When is the last time you updated your page?
the other day. i edited my school :D

76. Do you like rollercoasters?
oh yes.

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
DISNEYLAND! only about eight or nine times. not enough.

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
hmm... something from disney i like belle form beauty and the beast... aurora and prince phillip from sleeping beauty.. tarzan is a fave.. too hard to narrow straight down.

79. Last thing you cooked?
ha. i don't... but a scrambled egg in the microwave lol

80. Hows the weather?
chilly and the snow is all but gone.

81. Do you e-mail?
i do, actually.

82. Whats the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
left it in the pocket and it was in the wash for ten minutes.

83. Last time you were sick?
really trying to get over the cold that's got its fingers on me now.

84. What states have you lived in?
washington. do you count college? then north carolina.

85. Do you wish you could move?
i would rather not be in washington later on in life.

86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes?
no.

87. What is your dream car?
don't think i'll be getting the 69 bug i want.... so a jetta or something.

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
ol. OH yes.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
right this minute? disneyland or north carolina.

90. Are you happy with your life?
i truly can say i am.

die?

why? why can you not die?
though i try to hurt you, it's like an invisible wall bars you inside
i cannot pierce it, sobbing as i may
do you understand how much you're killing me?

the months keep going,
and the clock still ticks
though time keeps slowing down and speeding up
making me forget my outer shell

my hopes and dreams, they're still surrounding me
trying to pester me back to reality
but honestly, half of them are with you...

why? why can you not die?
though i try to hurt you, it's like an invisible wall bars you inside
i cannot pierce it, sobbing as i may
do you understand how much you're killing me?

crumbling, the red shape inside of myself slowly blows away
the wind so passionate, making me pay
what did i do wrong, when i looked into your eyes,
what curse was put upon me?

what did i do,
what did i do,
what curse was put upon me?

i cannot forget
i cannot seem to die completely
no rest in peace
where is my salvation....

i cannot make you die, then leave me.. alone.. from this place..
for to continue to love you, only leaves me with heartbreak.

ALMOST 10 INCHES OF SNOW!

i'm dying my hair fire red as we speak.

ramble ramble ramble

i'd give you an answer, but often you don't like them.
i can dream all i want, doesn't matter if they come true or not.
i'm tired of the what ifs, and the knowing it won't happen.
love is such a tiresome thing.
what is love?
and what becomes of your heart, when all you think of is shallow things, boy?
i wish i could hold you, and let you be happy, but it sacrifices everything i believe in.
at the same time, i'm actually content.
for once in my life.
and i want to push you away, far far away, but everytime i get so close to this, i pull right back and hold you from here.
i wish you knew God.
so i'll stand from here, and pray for you.

long live - taylor swift

i still remember this moment
In the back of my mind
The time we stood with our shaking hands
The crowds in stands went wild
We were the kings and the queens
And they read off our names
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same
You held your head like a hero
On a history book page
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered

I said remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines
Wishing for right now
We are the kings and the queens
You traded your baseball cap for a crown
When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our town
And the cynics were outraged
Screaming, "this is absurd"
'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid

Long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, "long live the look on your face"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered

Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break

And you take a moment
Promise me this:
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life with you

Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the candlelight shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid

Singing long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered

paint.

the world is a canvas of brightly colors, fading away as the rain washes it down the drain
"you want me to paint?"
so i did... the only way i know how
the canvas became a page of words, and the paint, a pen.
i labored over the master piece, and when i was done, i declared:
'what God tells me, i will give out, pour down like rain,

it is called poetry; the lyrics of the soul.

peppermint americano

went to coffee with a friend this afternoon.
course, he ended up being half an hour late.... lol so i had time to read my bible. romans, as usual.
but it was nice hanging out with him again. no longer an enemy status. lol i know that sounds weird....

of course the baristuds were pretty awesome there too ;D so cute to look at.

hello life.

ramblings of a bored individual.

well, we went vegan this weekend.
this is hard! hahaha

i think i'm cutting my bangs today.

how many people can walk outside barefoot in november. the foothills have wind but warrrrrrm wind. it's like 60 today and could get to 70. but only in the foothills. lol oh washington....

WHY WOMEN IN CHINA DO NOT GET BREAST CANCER

I had no alternative but to die or to try to find a cure for myself.
I am a scientist - surely there was a rational explanation for this cruel illness that affects one in 12 women in the UK ?
I had suffered the loss of one breast, and undergone radiotherapy. I was now receiving painful chemotherapy, and had been seen by some of the country's most eminent specialists. But, deep down, I felt certain I was facing death. I had a loving husband, a beautiful home and two young children to care for. I desperately wanted to live.

Fortunately, this desire drove me to unearth the facts, some of which were known only to a handful of scientists at the time.

Anyone who has come into contact with breast cancer will know that certain risk factors - such as increasing age, early onset of womanhood, late onset of menopause and a family history of breast cancer - are completely out of our control. But there are many risk factors, which we can control easily.

These "controllable" risk factors readily translate into simple changes that we can all make in our day-to-day lives to help prevent or treat breast cancer. My message is that even advanced breast cancer can be overcome because I have done it.

The first clue to understanding what was promoting my breast cancer came when my husband Peter, who was also a scientist, arrived back from working in China while I was being plugged in for a chemotherapy session.

He had brought with him cards and letters, as well as some amazing herbal suppositories, sent by my friends and science colleagues in China .

The suppositories were sent to me as a cure for breast cancer. Despite the awfulness of the situation, we both had a good belly laugh, and I remember saying that this was the treatment for breast cancer in China , then it was little wonder that Chinese women avoided getting the disease.

Those words echoed in my mind. Why didn't Chinese women in China get breast cancer? I had collaborated once with Chinese colleagues on a study of links between soil chemistry and disease, and I remembered some of the statistics.

The disease was virtually non-existent throughout the whole country. Only one in 10,000 women in China will die from it, compared to that terrible figure of one in 12 in Britain and the even grimmer average of one in 10 across most Western countries. It is not just a matter of China being a more rural country, with less urban pollution. In highly urbanized Hong Kong , the rate rises to 34 women in every 10,000 but still puts the West to shame.

The Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki have similar rates. And remember, both cities were attacked withnuclear weapons, so in addition to the usual pollution-related cancers, one would also expect to find some radiation-related cases, too. The conclusion we can draw from these statistics strikes you with some force. If a Western woman were to move to industrialized, irradiated Hiroshima , she would slash her risk of contracting breast cancer by half. Obviously this is absurd. It seemed obvious to me that some lifestyle factor not related to pollution, urbanization or the environment is seriously increasing the Western woman's chance of contracting breast cancer.

I then discovered that whatever causes the huge differences in breast cancer rates between oriental and Western countries, it isn't genetic.

Scientific research showed that when Chinese or Japanese people move to the West, within one or two generations their rates of breast cancer approach those of their host community.

The same thing happens when oriental people adopt a completely Western lifestyle in Hong Kong . In fact, the slang name for breast cancer in China translates as 'Rich Woman's Disease'. This is because, in China, only the better off can afford to eat what is termed ' Hong Kong food'. The Chinese describe all Western food, including everything from ice cream and chocolate bars to spaghetti and feta cheese, as "Hong Kong food", because of its availability in the former British colony and its scarcity, in the past, in mainland China .

So it made perfect sense to me that whatever was causing my breast cancer and the shockingly high incidence in this country generally, it was almost certainly something to do with our better-off, middle-class, Western lifestyle.

There is an important point for men here, too. I have observed in my research that much of the data about prostate cancer leads to similar conclusions.

According to figures from the World Health Organization, the number of men contracting prostate cancer in rural China is negligible, only 0.5 men in every 100,000. In England, Scotland and Wales , however, this figure is 70 times higher. Like breast cancer, it is a middle-class disease that primarily attacks the wealthier and higher socio-economic groups, those that can afford to eat rich foods.

I remember saying to my husband, "Come on Peter, you have just come back from China . What is it about the Chinese way of life that is so different?"

Why don't they get breast cancer?'We decided to utilize our joint scientific backgrounds and approach it logically.

We examined scientific data that pointed us in the general direction of fats in diets.Researchers had discovered in the 1980s that only l4% of calories in the average Chinese diet were from fat, compared to almost 36% in the West. But the diet I had been living on for years before I contracted breast cancer was very low in fat and high in fibre.Besides, I knew as a scientist that fat intake in adults has not been shown to increase risk for breast cancer in most investigations that have followed large groups of women for up to a dozen years.Then one day something rather special happened. Peter and I have worked together so closely over the years that I am not sure which one of us first said: "The Chinese don't eat dairy produce!"

It is hard to explain to a non-scientist the sudden mental and emotional 'buzz' you get when you know you have had an important insight. It's as if you have had a lot of pieces of a jigsaw in your mind, and suddenly, in a few seconds, they all fall into place and the whole picture is clear.

Suddenly I recalled how many Chinese people were physically unable to tolerate milk, how the Chinese people I had worked with had always said that milk was only for babies, and how one of my close friends, who is of Chinese origin, always politely turned down the cheese course at dinner parties.

I knew of no Chinese people who lived a traditional Chinese life who ever used cow or other dairy food to feed their babies. The tradition was to use a wet nurse but never, ever, dairy products.

Culturally, the Chinese find our Western preoccupation with milk and milk products very strange. I remember entertaining a large delegation of Chinese scientists shortly after the ending of the Cultural Revolution in the 1980s.

On advice from the Foreign Office, we had asked the caterer to provide a pudding that contained a lot of ice cream. After inquiring what the pudding consisted of, all of the Chinese, including their interpreter, politely but firmly refused to eat it, and they could not be persuaded to change their minds.

At the time we were all delighted and ate extra portions!

Milk, I discovered, is one of the most common causes of food allergies. Over 70% of the world's population are unable to digest the milk sugar, lactose, which has led nutritionists to believe that this is the normal condition for adults, not some sort of deficiency. Perhaps nature is trying to tell us that we are eating the wrong food. Before I had breast cancer for the first time, I had eaten a lot of dairy produce, such as skimmed milk, low-fat cheese and yogurt. I had used it as my main source of protein. I also ate cheap but lean minced beef, which I now realized was probably often ground-up dairy cow.

In order to cope with the chemotherapy I received for my fifth case of cancer, I had been eating organic yogurts as a way of helping my digestive tract to recover and repopulate my gut with 'good' bacteria.

Recently, I discovered that way back in 1989 yogurt had been implicated in ovarian cancer. Dr Daniel Cramer of Harvard University studied hundreds of women with ovarian cancer, and had them record in detail what they normally ate. Wish I'd been made aware of his findings when he had first discovered them. Following Peter's and my insight into the Chinese diet, I decided to give up not just yogurt but all dairy produce immediately. Cheese, butter, milk and yogurt and anything else that contained dairy produce - it went down the sink or in the rubbish. It is surprising how many products, including commercial soups, biscuits and cakes, contain some form of dairy produce. Even many proprietary brands of margarine marketed as soya, sunflower or olive oil spreads can contain dairy produce.I therefore became an avid reader of the small print on food labels.

Up to this point, I had been steadfastly measuring the progress of my fifth cancerous lump with callipers and plotting the results. Despite all the encouraging comments and positive feedback from my doctors and nurses, my own precise observations told me the bitter truth.

My first chemotherapy sessions had produced no effect - the lump was still the same size. Then I eliminated dairy products. Within days, the lump started to shrink.About two weeks after my second chemotherapy session and one week after giving up dairy produce, the lump in my neck started to itch. Then it began to soften and to reduce in size. The line on the graph, which had shown no change, was now pointing downwards as the tumour got smaller and smaller.

And, very significantly, I noted that instead of declining exponentially (a graceful curve) as cancer is meant to do, the tumour's decrease in size was plotted on a straight line heading off the bottom of the graph, indicating a cure, not suppression (or remission) of the tumour.

One Saturday afternoon after about six weeks of excluding all dairy produce from my diet, I practised an hour of meditation then felt for what was left of the lump. I couldn't find it. Yet I was very experienced at detecting cancerous lumps - I had discovered all five cancers on my own. I went downstairs and asked my husband to feel my neck. He could not find any trace of the lump either.

On the following Thursday I was due to be seen by my cancer specialist at Charing Cross Hospital in London . He examined me thoroughly, especially my neck where the tumour had been. He was initially bemused and then delighted as he said, "I cannot find it." None of my doctors, it appeared, had expected someone with my type and stage of cancer (which had clearly spread to the lymph system) to survive, let alone be so hale and hearty.

My specialist was as overjoyed as I was. When I first discussed my ideas with him he was understandably sceptical. But I understand that he now uses maps showing cancer mortality in China in his lectures, and recommends a non-dairy diet to his cancer patients.

I now believe that the link between dairy produce and breast cancer is similar to the link between smoking and lung cancer. I believe that identifying the link between breast cancer and dairy produce, and then developing a diet specifically targeted at maintaining the health of my breast and hormone system, cured me.

It was difficult for me, as it may be for you, to accept that a substance as 'natural' as milk might have such ominous health implications. But I am a living proof that it works and, starting from tomorrow, I shall reveal the secrets of my revolutionary action plan.

Extracted from Your Life in Your Hands, by Professor Jane Plan

hallow's eve.

john 16:33 = 'i have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. you will have suffering in this world. be courageous! i have conquered the world.'


today, i have been seizure free for one year. :D :D :D


it's halloween today. i've been spidergirl for the last two nights, for the ymca on friday and a party last night. haha.
friday night i had an americano and wore a cape. dangerous combination, though i was hyper for several hours and had a smile on my face. [lets just say there was a lot of cape swishing and jumping involved]


tazshia's party was pretty good. it was a party. need i say more?



now for a quiet evening of movie watching.

escape - rupert holmes

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."

I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."

That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape

april 22-2010

i miss the way we were, the two of us
i miss who we were
i'm scared of how this friendship is going; how you are
3,000 miles away i hope you think of me
not to miss me [that doesn't seem to work]
but to remember what i made you,
and what you made me
i miss our talks that lead up through the night
the ones where we talked about everything and anything
i miss our middle-school ways.. as you and i are college age
i miss how each of us were holding our breaths;
writing up our souls without realizing what we were doing...
only to find out two months later, we both felt something new
scared to say it, but wanting to
did 'i love you' really come out our mouths?
..i miss being able to say 'i miss you', and that meant the normal stuff
now it means too much, tabooed from our language of talk
i miss wishing what could have been and how we ended
i miss the realization of us both that is was really true
i still miss the 'i love you's'
now were prim and proper
not one slip comes up to pen
i have learned to keep my mouth shut
but show affection when i can
i miss you now,
i missed you then
i'll miss you even though you tell me we can never be
even though 3,000 miles separate us, i still love you now
thank goodness you'll never read this so i can tell you so
i'll miss you when you're older
and dancing in whatever company
i'll miss you after college, and on to better things
i'll miss you when i'm old, and cannot dance anymore
i'll miss you when i'm dying
and you are no more
i'll wonder what you're doing
wonder if we'll keep in touch
wonder if you'll ever think of me
because i will love you to the end; it becomes a curse for me
no matter if i love another
or a spinster in old age
there's that spot for you,
deep within my heart
a spot where you'll never leave nor can if you tried
because loving you was meant to be
and loving you is what i do best.

ding dong the witch is dead

well, haven't been on lately. this is probably a good thing, i've been busy!
dance has been going good, i mean... i'm so behind its almost funny, but it sets me up to a goal. the tiniest things the director notices every once in a while makes me feel at least a bit accomplished. the major dance i'm learning is a breakdancing piece. oh. my. gosh. i cannot breakdance.
so while i'm learning this, trying to retain and really get it, i'm also trying to be fierce and ATTACK it!
lol........ and gain confidence somewhere in there too..

work is going good, i'm working five days a week, not much on the hours still but i love it down there. such a great group and surroundings and a beautiful atmosphere. don't know if i would ever get stressed there or not.

i got to see my best friend last saturday [: so happy about that.

next week is halloween!!!!!!!!! one of my favorite holidays. i'm helping out at the Y this year, and i'm pretty much more excited. i think i'm going as spiderman! or spidergirl, more like it.. haha getting my costume today with my grandma! taking her into all those stores she doesn't like hahaha.


TWENTY SEVEN DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY! so stoked. golden !!!


so that''s my life in a banana skin.

saturday, sunny!

I GET TO SEE MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING BEST FRIEND MEGHAN TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so sosososososososo so sos os os ososososo excited.


today i was waiting in line for gas... right when my turn was about to happen, an suv cut in front of me. i honked my horn and was pretty pissed. i had been waiting forever. [okay, seemed like forever]
the guy getting out stops his car, gets out and shakes the cars' hand, and asks. him. to. move. so i got my spot!!
all i could do was catch the chivalrous man's eye and wave out my jaw-dropping-gratitude.
lets just say i'll be in a good mood for a while.

silence - bradley hathaway

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

the love of dancing.

"a studio or a stage, it makes no difference. the outside world has already lost you in a passionate affair with the music, with you falling love with dancing."

light kisses darkness as the firefly glow

as
light kisses darkness as the firefly glow
i'll send some down to you
so keep you company at night
not as lonely as i feel

and i'll keep track, as they come back
the days apart from you get less
as
light kisses darkness as the firefly glow
lighting up our world.

oh you make me smile,

is it good that you actually decided to talk to me, even though i was up because i'm 3 hours behind you...
or because you're high, should i be slightly disappointed?
either way.
you surprised me.

reunion of nothing of the sort.

so funny to see someone you had this huge crush on in middleschool... the one you had for three years, and nothing ever came from it?
just felt the same all over again hahahaha
even a friend could tell there was something between us. frisson?
then you get all the "guys" together and they're all outdoing the other in their macho stories. oh man.
what fun are homeschoolers.

she's always a woman - billy joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

"when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but we often look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - helen keller

'i'll go where ever you will go' - the calling

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

easy. aaaaaaaaah.

i love it when you make someone's day.
even better when you can tell after [:


okay i'm kinda offended by this.. why on earth would i judge you? honestly you had me thinking much worse then you put out. i'm not going to judge you for who you are. don't ever think that. you're my friend. end of story.

tuesday night..

sometimes this path isn't going to make sense, but sometimes it is.
things fall into place, but there are things that don't make sense
changes in that mysterious and dark path we take that we don't know if they're right or wrong
must we live in fear through it all?
but then again, why live like you're waiting to die?
you only have one life to live, might as well go forward boldly and in confidence!

this week has been crazy, and it's not like i've done anything big. sadly enough, i'm thinking i was having withdrawals.... my best friend went to college. this includes withdrawals with God. a friend of mine kinda opened up my eyes last night, and without even realizing this... we were talking about heavy hearts, and it kinda just hit me..
man has this all made sense.
i needed last night. lets hope i continue walking forward and instead of hiding in a corner. it's not like you can hide.. God's right there holding out His hand anyways <3



BEST FAVORITE VERSE EVER: 1thess 5:17 - pray constantly.

charmed.

it's like the puzzle is put in place, the wrong begins to right
that exhilarated feeling, lasts through the night.
so i'll begin to dance in the rain, so no one will see me cry...
i'd still lay down my life, for you, i'd die.
hopeless, they say, hopeless i may
so i shall wander, and correct my mistakes,
if love could bring me here, then love it shall take.

so the vagabond set out into the dark starry night
never to look back, but looking forward?
flying with, that hopeful? kite,
with all their might, armed their sword

like a candle in the wind,
fluttering all around
not making sense
not making any rhyme
wondering where in this maze you are
and what love really is....
if the wrong begins to right, and the puzzle piece fits into place,
why doesn't this all make sense,
why doesn't it rhyme?
all mysteries should have an end...
happy ending or no

if people knew how to make peace with each other
we'd all be in love and we'd all let music drive us into a dance no one would be able to stop
we'd dance until our deaths within our own red shoes
a circle around the earth because everyone loved us for love started us
and love shall kill us, till death do we part.

charmed.

I START DANCING NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!

bubbly

i love it when you find someone that actually understands.
that you find yourself trusting when you don't even know them.


those walls you so carefully built up again,
are they for naught? for loss, or for the right thing this time?
don't forget.....
how many times does it take to remember, to learn?


walk through that garden of roses you have, that le jardin de roses, or rose garden - roseraie.
remember. see the scars from it, see the roses. count them.
do you want to add all the more before it's time?
remember your white one wishing for a mate.
not a full cage waiting for one to share like wild animals waiting to devour
wait, darling, wait for me
stop darling, wait for me
rose for rose.

end of the month already?!

wow, i haven't really been blogging much!
well, God's been great in my life. really, he has.

i got more hours at my job!! [: i work in the family programs more now at the "adventure zone" - i get to go play with kids for 3 hours. :D awesome!!! two more days, i'm so thankful for this.
i just got a lovebird!!!! my mom's going to start back into breeding some, we're getting the third pair today, and i just got my first pet that i bought for myself. it's a nine month old one, so it'll be a little more of a challenge to train him, but i'm happy. he's an australian cinnamon peach-faced lovebird, and his name it apollo.

my best friend went to college a week ago. i can't believe what a connection we had! God truly gave her to me [:

hopefully i will be starting dance soon; it's killing me not having it.
and i just switched my wednesday morning dance class to tuesday afternoons, so i'm hoping i'll have kids going there!

well, about to go to cosmopolis... lol yes a city near ocean shores.... hahaha
God bless.

once upon a dream [disney's sleeping beauty]

I know you, I walked with you
once upon a dream.
I know you, the gleam in your eyes
is so familiar a gleam
Yet I know it's true that visions
are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know
what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once
Upon a dream

La, la, la ...

But if I know you I know
what you'll do
You'll love me at once the way
You did once
Upon a dream.

I know you, I walked with you
once upon a dream.
I know you, the gleam in your eyes
is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true that visions
are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know
what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once
Upon a dream

woah-oh

wow, i haven't written in a while!
just back from the puyallup fair..
went to the kiss 106.1 concert -
saw the ready set, a rocket to the moon, forever the sickest kids, and we the kings.
pretty good, except for the two itty bitty girls in front of me that absolutely pissed me off in everyway possible.
i won't ever go there.

now my entire body aches, my left ear is ringing, i have a headache, some pics i'll post soon, and i'm off to bed.
peace out, girl scouts!

help me understand?

ramblings of a lonely being

it's kinda funny how no matter how hard i wish i know it'll never happen.
it's a good thing, i don't need to get any more attached then i already am.
but you'd be surprised how much that one little note means to me.
call it the world. a whole new world.
be my aladdin, and i'll be your jasmine?

life is the never-ending path

down our path of life there are always choices,
the forks on the path;
a single choice can take us one way down the road, this way or that way
the question is, are we on the right path?
each decision takes u right down or left
the path shows and gives us the wrong turns to learn from,
the people we're meet who end up changing our lives,
the experiences which make us stronger
the wrong turns keep us going to catch up to the "right ones"
but they are there for us to completely know nothing of life,
because would you really want the boring life where nothing interesting came along or any adventures arrived?
our questions keep us thriving, to keep going on to find those answers
the path is designed specifically for you
but what people don't understand is that you mark the path.
there is no one forcing you to go one way or another. all you. only you.
so will you take the chance?
start walking. see where it goes.

smile.

love how the simplest things can make your day!

so sweet,

how is that sometimes you actually still find a way to make me cry?
i found your note the other day... the one thing you actually gave me as something of yours. i had to actually listen to our song the other da. first time since april.
and the fact i'm still part of your life... just brought me to tears.


you have no idea how much it means to me about the fact that we are still friends. we did not part ways and be done with it. we are still strong. you're one of my best friends. i can say i love you and mean so many things.

God gave me you for a little bit for something.

"i quit. i'm over you. i fell so hard. i was always there when you needed someone to talk to. yeah, so basically i'm tired of being just a friend or chasing you. so if you want me, i'm here, but i'm done wasting all my time on someone who doesn't care."

God is so good!

this summer i have:
a. jumped off a cliff into a river
b. slept under the stars
c. took a friend to my grandma's lake [finally]
d. went camping with 14 kids, aka my wonderful bible study!
e. found an intact sanddollar at the ocean
f. learned to realize again and again, that boys won't give you what you want. they're insufficient and play and toy with your feelings.
g. joined a bible study.
h. gotten so much closer to God
i. started to read my bible a lot more now
j. asked for things and received things back from God.
k. made new wonderful God-fearing friends
l. found out God has a very interesting sense of humor...
m. started to dance again; remembered the passion i have had.

summer over?!

God will give, and God will take.
we have pain in the world because it is an earthly place, and lessons are formed from them. we learn and then we forget, we relearn and then the cycle continues.
do we ever remember our mistakes? listen to our subconscious?
do we let go the unnecessary baggage and throw out to God's outstretched arms? the answer is yes. but do. we. do it? have the strength to give it all up? even the best things that happened to us?
God is great.
i may not like my situation, and i might not like the consequences, but somehow, for some reason, there's order in all this. an order of chaos. perfect chaos, spinning in God's own way.
the only way we can completely become wholly closer to God is to be at our weakest point, on our knees broken in half and a million more pieces. because He's down there with arms outstretched wanting us. He loves us no matter what we do or who we are. ready to gives us that hug of a lifetime and take us home.
2 corinthians 12:9-10 reads: 'but He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." therefore, i will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. so because of Christ, i am pleased in weaknesses, in insults, in catastrophes, in persecutions, and in pressures. for when i am weak, i am strong.'

i'm so blessed to have been given these wonderfully God-fearing friends this summer. this has been a very interesting summer with all the unusual trials and tribulations.. but i couldn't ask for another summer because i had so much happen that i couldn't ask to have taken away. everything happens for a reason. you become stronger by the trials that happen.
i've become a stronger christian and i've been searching out. for God. reading my bible. ask and you shall receive.


now i'm sad because fall has already arrived and we barely had an summer hahaha

i will go - desperation band

Let Your kingdom come on earth. Let Your will be done
Let every kingdom of this earth bow.


Let the sinners sing for joy, we are saved by grace
Let every saint break through these doors and shout

You’re calling out, “who will go?”

I will go. I will live the life. I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ.
I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go. Hear my battle cry. Give me wings so I can fly
and tell the world that You are God.


Here am I, here am I, I will give all that is mine.
Here am I, here am I, Jesus come and spend my life.


I will go. I will live the life.
I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ. I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go. Hear my battle cry.
Give me wings so I can fly and tell the world that You are God

do you understand,

i often wonder what you mean
and how much trouble came between
the only person left from it all
so i don't know what you mean
i want to ask, but scared to see

i'll find the moon, look at our stars
make my wish
blow you a kiss

maybe three thousand miles away you'll hear:
i love you.

savior [rise against]

it kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten
There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

But the day pressed on like crushing weights
For no man does it ever wait
Like memories of dying days
That deafen us like hurricanes
Bathed in flames we held the brand
Uncurled the fingers in your hand
Pressed into the flesh like sand
Now do you understand?

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

1000 miles away
There's nothing left to say
But so much left that I don't know
We never had a choice
This world is too much noise
It takes me under
It takes me under once again
I don't hate you
I don't hate you

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

hum hallelujah

wow what release is.
and to go off searching for joy.
God is so wonderful to bring the friends he brought me.

even though i was mad at Him for a day, He did grant my prayer... but of course not the way i wanted... good thing it's God's world and not mine, or this world would be a disaster... lol!
i mean, yes. if you are going to ask God, He will give it to you. just not always how you'd like it. duh. lol


God is amazing. amen to that.

[untitled love]

dreaming of you and me
walking on that beach hand in hand
making footprints side by side across the sand
my friend is laughing at me
waking me out of my reverie
i sigh with that dreamy expression on my face..
how i miss our days
where there was nothing but love
of our long talks
laughing at silly things
of you teaching me whatever it was..
you showed me joy
then came that day
i was walking out my own way..
i remember that day as though it were yesterday,
i left you with that hurt-look on your face
not once looking back
can't believe what i did
all i know is i miss you now
what i would give to be with you
and now i'm dreaming of you and me
walking along that beach hand in hand
making footprints side by side across the sand...
and i wish i could go back,
wish i could undo
all those things i said to you

one day walking alone on that beach
i stumble across another lone footprints on the sand..
i look up to see you with outstretched arms
and nothing else mattered as i ran to you
this time you carried me across that beach
so only a single set of footprints showed
your love could not have been so apparent
and i wonder why i doubted so
[love]

ask and you shall recieve

what happens when you actually ask something specific from God, of course He's going to give it back in the most complicated way possible.
you told me you might not be going. aka you're staying. i'm going to have to deal with you; and that sounds so awful, but i was just getting to the point where i could accept a break, accept that you were going to be gone and i could heal.
this utterly changes everything.
but there's me, you, her..... who continuously tries to put her mark on you when you don't see.
God is having you back for a reason, but is it for you, or for me?
GAHHHHHH
this means i have to face my heart, and find my courage.

moving on...?

"you can spend minutes, hours, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together. justifying what could've, would've happened.
...or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

"it doesn't matter anymore. i guess things happen for a reason. tears eventually fade and one day everything will be exactly how it's supposed to be. moving on is a process and plus you have to promise yourself that you're really ready to let go."

"there's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to ix everything. but it's not giving up. it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."

rhyming ridiculously

of all the things i could say and have done,
and all of what has happened
i still wonder why you have me underneath your spell
it all makes sense, that last missing puzzle piece is there

and then i ask the God almighty
to fully take away from here
so i can run away, hide myself in a hole
to take time to heal this broken soul

the favor i ask, true and bold
He grants with wisdom, but breaks the hold
He sends back what i want away
so that i find courage to face what may

never ask without thinking of the consequences,
but ask anyway
for God will give you what you need,
just perhaps not your way.

is it really the middle of august already?!

~
funny how you meet the people you meet, love the people you love, and lose the people you lose.
why?
and how... is this all planned out, by God?
~

--
i didn't realize how much i missed you until we sat down and talked. i'm glad you're going to college; it will help me a lot, as bad and selfish as that sounds. we had a friendship that meshed like the rainbow. i hate how it had disappeared.
i love how we could talk about so many things and it just was the start of a beautiful friendship.
but you hurt me, and that will take a while to heal. unfortunately, this is such a double edged sword. i don't know if i'll ever tell you how much you did hurt me, and how much i fell from it all.
you're a good person. and i'd like to know more of you, sometime.
--

=
it's the weirdest thing to have all these people finally catch up with me and they're all going to college now! i just met these beautiful people haha
it's amazing to be surrounded by God-fearing people. and to love them, quirks and all.
this walk with God is an extremely "twisted" road, and you know me... i'm a klutz haha
=

_
on another note, week two of dance!! last week was, and i can't believe i'm saying this, gnarly. brutal. hard. and i knew it, considering i haven't danced in 2 years! haha. today was the first day i could completely walk normal... and tomorrow i'll go back to being extremely sore again haha
then the audition is on sunday!!!! [company audition to DASSdance up in seattle]
we'll see how this all ends up turning out.
_
peace.

perhaps i spoke too soon..

my mind is a ravaging pool of thoughts i must put down

i wanna be able to put trust in there
i want to be able to love unconditionally
i want to give in
and i want to hold back
i am torn and divided, freaking and sane
i want to know why, of all people, you laid your eyes on me
curiouser and curiouser
i wonder why people have so many judgements reserved for people
and how we got to be such good friends in so little time
i laugh at my stupidity and figure God is laughing harder
i'd actually like to walk normal again and not be sore for dance for once...
i'm shouting to the Lord on how i'm finding that love for dance again
i want to scream songs again on a drive
and tell you the song i'm feeling for you
and to be held by arms that promise of not letting go
i want to be loved.
can this be granted?
can it be done?
i want to trust someone with my deepest darkest secrets, and to be able to hold theirs

i seem to want and need a lot of things.
how weird this earth is.
how great our God is.

fireworks.

God works in the most surprising and amazing ways.

you know when you have those butterflies in your stomach that are popping so hard, and your smile muscles are aching?
when you're going over and over in your mind... and then wondering how that possibly ended up happening to you?
remembering when people are chuckling at you about the fact that yes, yes you are a hopeless romantic, but you always thought yourself as a hopeful one?
having the entire car ride home to smile that huge goofy smile..... then try and not look like a 'lovesick puppy' as my mother describes it.. for that very reason: your family to see.
this is when it feels like, to you and you alone, that reality finally got better then your dreams - now you're gonna have trouble falling asleep.

and to think, God put this here for some random reason. looking back at what all happened from before and see what's happening now? yeah, i'm glad it's that way.
:D

smile - uncle kracker [excerpt]

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

random?

you're gonna get me bouncing on my toes
my smile muscles sore
i'm gonna be a bundle of nerves
those butterflies'll soar
can't wait for anything related
to you and you alone
i'll stay up past the hour
just to see you on the phone.

teenage dream - katy perry

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a floor out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

thank you, God.

oh... i went camping yesterday hahaha
with fourteen other beautiful and amazing people. loved every minute of it, and God's glory was surrounding us the whole time.
i could write on and on but i' telling you, this basically sums it up.
loved every minute of it and don't think it should have been any different.

i saw a shooting star, fell into the river... lol, jumped off a cliff into it, hiked up the river [laughingwater river] ate too much junk food, and took so many pics, [for the pics, go see my facebook page lol] i apologized for when i should, read my bible, just breathed in God's beauty, made wonderful memories, drank the water!!! definitely danced my way home, and HAD THE BEST TWO DAYS OF SUMMER.

t. swift.

would you not swoon if a guy told you he liked taylor swift, and i'm talking about openly admitting it to you? i think i'm in love.

luke 17:3&4

be on your guard. if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, 'i repent,' you must forgive him.

psalm 4:4

be angry [tremble] and do not sin;
on you bed, reflect your heart
and be still.

proverbs 17:17&18

a friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born a difficult time.
one without sense enters an agreement
and puts up security for his friend.

oh life.

its amazing how you stop and take one look at your life as you seem to see it spinning around you, in slow motion.
you can see where all your relationships have taken you, the ups and downs of that emotional rollercoaster;
the regrets you have even though you're trying to live without them...
where you are in life right this minute, and reflecting back
back to a year ago, five, even just last week or yesterday.
where life's choices now have taken you...
are you happy in life? or not?
if you're not, are you trying to change it, or wallowing in self pity?
is all the hate you stored up before still there?
if you're happy, then are you trying to find that joy from God instead?
life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get :]

boys suck and i'm done with them.
:]

life's a dance - john michael montegomery

When I was fourteen I was falling fast
For a blue eyed girl in my Homeroom class
Tryin' to find the courage to ask her out
Was like tryin' to get off of a water spout


And what she would've said I can't say
I never did ask and she moved away
But I learned something from my blue eyed girl
Sink or swim you've got to give it a whirl


Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry 'bout what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go


The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you want to receive
There's a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk


Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen a long shot win the race
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for more


Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry 'bout what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go


Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry 'bout what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go


Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry 'bout what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go


Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Take a chance on love
Life's a dance
You learn as you go

stuttering - friday night boys

You walk into the room and I
I, I-I, I, I, I-I, I.
I wanna tell ya, tell ya, but I just can't speak.
This shouldn't be so difficult.
Why-y. why-y-y-y-y-y,
Tell me why I see you and I just can't breathe.

You're like a bullet, girl, to my heart,
You're like a very far shooting star,
The very thing that I need,
Look at how you get to me

I can never be myself,
How can I when I'm stuck in hell?
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Wanna tell you how I feel inside
But every time I go and try
Mutterin, mutterin, muttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing

Don't leave,
I know I effed it up,
That's my luck,
That's just my luh uh uck.
Here I go, Here I go and do it again

You're tut-,
And I'm just so tongue tuh-ied.
Why-y-y, why can't I get it right?
The words just wont come out,
They wanna take down
But I'm still around

You're like a bullet, girl, to my heart
Your like a very far shooting star,
The very thing that I need
Look at how you get to me...

I can never be myself,
How can I when I'm stuck in hell?
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Wanna tell you how I feel inside
But every time I go and try
Mutterin, mutterin, muttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing

You're like a bullet, girl, to my heart
Your like a very far shooting star,
The very thing that I need
Look at how you get to me...

I can never be myself,
How can I when I'm stuck in hell?
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing
Wanna tell you how I feel inside
But every time I go and try
Mutterin, mutterin, muttereh-ing
Stutterin, stutterin, stuttereh-ing

Muttereh-ing.
Stuttereh, stuttered, Stuttereh-ing

'cuz baby you're not alone,

ohhhhh man.
AVPS [a very potter sequel] was amazing. times infinity and beyond. i now just rewatched it these past two days :D

and yesterday we were in borders... why i decided to go into the bookstore FLAT OUT BROKE, idk. awful.
they. had. the. 10 ANNIVERSARY EDITION OF THE SORCERER'S STONE [harry potter book 1] and. DELUXE EDITION OF THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!!!!!!!! [harry potter book 6]
that was 90$ all together :( never had i been so depressed i could not buy books.
and my birthday is not even close... well it'll be on my wishlist for certain :D or else i'll be buying them before that, depends if i have any money :P hahaha


CAN YOU SEE THAT WE'RE HAVING SUNSHINE FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW?!?!?

take this advice to heart by ever word:

love is just a hoax
so forget everything that you have ever heard.

summer's coming?

this summer's been so good i haven't felt like writing!
that and haven't had much happening.. lol

randoms of the morn

what a wonderful thing a friend is!
and to God to give us such. thta is a praise.



RADICAL.
SICK/TIRED.
ONLY YOU.
COME ALIVE.
AMEN.

thurrrrrrrrsday.

GOD IS FREAKING AMAZING.
woot! last night was bible study - starting joel - what a piece of work.
new enumclawers at the study :] i'm happy.

creation is next week!! i can go on a day i'm very excited for this!!

and the beach tomorrow i cannot wait for this our first vacation since last summer ahhhh :D :D :D ocean shores, here i come!

how glorious God is. amen.

glass eye. part 2

lady tramp staring out the window
not really watching anything out there
a single tear rolling down
(disappointing...)
glass shattering
as that eye rolls off the floor and away
you didn't see the same thing
thru that piece of glass

what is it about saturdays?

funny how when you finally confront the thing you've been hiding from, even though you're pretty sure you know the answer to it, it still hits you just as hard..


guess this is me finally confronting the feeling God's been giving me of the NO.... lol

umm, summer? where'd my sun go?

fine. fresh. fierce.

you know it's funny how all the people and shit i talk about on here... is it gossip, or merely me venting? it runs a fine line... i mean i say when i'm happy, i say when i'm sad.. i say when i'm angry, and i say when i'm glad ;] ;]
the sunshine is beautiful, i always loved summer the best. i'm such a girl here - TANNING!!!!! haha.

out in the pool all day [trying not to get sunburnt....lol..] i'm loving it. keep bringing it, God!
He is so amazing.
funny - i was talking to two of my good friends from the study on wednesday - the two who were there in the beginning with me, about how we can find the joy we have in our lives, but still have little things that are "wrong". but little things they are.
i mean i am loving the life God is giving me, and what a journey i'm having! the time of my life "]

96 degrees.

God is good, people are crazy, and the sunshine is beautiful.

the sun the sun the sun

THANK THE LORD FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE HALLELUJAH.



i cannot understand people. i used to be so good at it. people who are older are harder to get. lol it was so easy to figure out highschoolers hahaha now people are complicated.

happy america.

john 8:32

funny how you talk yourself into being strong, that you can do it, get over it,
and one look sends you back into the spiraling land of nevermind...
it all melted away when you look deep within the eyes of it
and you'll never remember another thing or why you had said no to this addiction in the first place.


man last time i posted real shit on this it got me in trouble hahaha i have eyes everywhere. i'd be scared if you were one of those eyes.



i do not know what to do. at all.
feeling elation then depression
nervous and overeactment

butterflies....
gahhhhh i'm tearing myself up way too much for all this.
girl.....

window apparation

thru the window out the door
i just can't take this anymore
hello? goodbye?
which is it was it ever did you even try

what was it..

thru that window, and what comes next?

glass eye.

do you see through this piece of glass in front of your face?
do you see a dream, a wish, reality, redemption, or something else?
that piece of glass,
do you study it, or is it just a mere glance?
something that looks beautiful to you, or an ugly thing you don't want to remember?

hands over my face
frustration's overwhelming
why why why
over and over again it calls and asks....

this glass in your face, your eye, your hand,
tell me, do you see it?

well that's all folks

well today was busy hahahaha

i'm trying to leave a message on the phone to my friend, and well i'm in a parking lot lol... my church's parking lot haha i figured it'd be a safe so this cop swings by and starts trying to talk to me.... i end the message with oh great a cop....
after the cop asks me what i'm doing.. lol.. i call a second time to leave the message hahahaha telling my friend what happened :P oh goodness i prolly sound stupid too hahahaha

hallelujah.

you know, i'd almost ask to go to the land where unicorns are real, and all the greek mythology creatures come to life.
but then God wouldn't be with us, and i cannot accept that.
God is amazing. He truly is.

saturday nights alright for fighting!

how amazing is it that when you ask for a miracle and God gives it to you. and he did. overnight.
then i felt like the service tonight was screaming my name haha

hung out with rose red all day!!!! great day. think i'm sunburnt a bit.. lol but we had fun i'd like to think!!


its great to walk about feeling almost confident again. almost.

well; how glorious God is and i love Him.

i'm holding on to naught but frustration
hearing it scream within my hands
the worst part is; i don't know what to do
except turn back time, something i do not know how

how foolish are we when our emotions overtake us
how embarrassed we become, and then the tears fall
it affects our moods,
and we see life as nothing

because all that ever matters is what happened then

i'm wishing and hoping somewhere you'll understand
though thru puzzles and rhymes i hide my face
cowardice?

zig-zag patterns

can you feel the wind and rain beat up against your back,
the thunder clapping in remorse
and the lightening showing up what you lack

feel the wind whispering your disappointments
wandering rivers flowing down
when will wisdom soon be found?

fractured words, broken silences

zig-zag patterns...

bahhhhhhh can i fuck it up anymore?

God is giving us summer!

wow. so yesterday i hung out with lizzy, dennis, kirstie, and friends. we were at salt water state park, and were there for a while.. then we went up to the pier itself, and then dennis proposed to lizzy.
so amazing to watch!!!!! she started crying.
so did kirstie and i... lol
such beautiful thing to see.


kirstie's going to france next week!!!!!!!!!! so excited for her!


bible study was last night too. greg was in oregon, so jeffrey and tobin lead it. pretty good. i just somehow didn't have any of the questions... don't know how i missed them lol

pretty fun. just wish i could speak the uh, "chinese" language hahahaha oh well. you can't speak my language either,
i really don't know if i'm totally acting up or not. give me patience, oh Lord, because i don't know what else to ask for.


going to pierce today to see what i can do for myself at the moment. we'll see!

tough shit.

i waited all day to have a breakdown.
wow. at least i tried to give it to Christ.

seeing thru the transparency

tell me when the sun sets, what do you looks for?
do you look at the red, slowly fading away, like the love you feel for someone draining away?
the pinks that engulf each memory of friendship?
orange that guiltily wiggles itself fingers up to try and grasp what is not his?
or yellow, the smiles that warm any bad day....
or the purples and blues that remind us all of the wars we have within our minds, the anguish of the heart..
or do you see the wonders of the sun itself, slowly going to sleep as it says goodnight, admits defeat, and lets the moon shine its beautiful glory; all glowing to prove its worth.

do you see the jealousy between the two, the endless rivalry?
how each love each other so much but cannot bear to face each other as both remember the pain each cause...

one paints its love in the sky, and bears to show it as each time it wakes up remembering, and the last thing it thinks of as it goes to sleep; oh sun?
or the other as it scatters endless lights among the sky so that it might light a path so that no fears are near, connecting all the wonderful stories and memories they both have shared together? oh moon...


i cannot; the clouds are weeping gentle harsh silent loud rain, lamenting the sorrows whispering and shouting in the wind something i cannot interpret.
but oh, summer, take me back to the place where i too, can remember such days like the sun and the moon, and create such the same.
show me the rainbow God gave to us. show me the same love he gives us.

june fools?

did you know today was the first official day of summer?

the dog ate my homework? [among other things]

well i might as well say the dog ate my homework... and yes i just now decided to look at it instead of earlier on.. but i'd rather have it fresh in my mind instead of doing it all the day after we get it..
yeah no idea where i lost it!!!
so i'm reading philippians.. and not doing the homework... oops.


so. my path in life is never a straight one..
now that i know for definite it is just not the time for SOMA yet... i mean i knew when i left from the test but i'm just glad it's hit me now. it's official hahaha
it's amazing when you feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff, but for once you're not scared to jump off it. you're ready to tackle whatever lies down at the bottom of the deep blue sea. why, you ask? because God created it, therefor God has His hands there ready to catch you.
yeah so what's the weirdest is i got to the next chapter. and boy was i ready for it. outta the Q and into a job i absolutely love. one positive out of not going to SOMA in the fall is that i don't have to worry about losing a day of my job! i mean i'm teaching dance, something i wanted to do since i was younger. just didn't expect that i was doing it so soon.
two years ago i thought i was going to dance forever... and wow it's already been that long.
now here i am in between absolutely everything.. just weird how God works, huh?
well for now i'm looking into pierce college, and yeah pierce instead of greenriver because i want to focus on psychology. two year associate's to transfer into a university. yeah the girl who hates school in general :P kinda crazy, huh?

we're on this earth for a reason: to worship God and to proclaim Him and His work everywhere.
so hallelujah, He's giving me something, i'm just a little blind.. hehehe

I LOVE MY LIFE!

prisoner of the mind.

rushing rivers hit the stone
angry voices here alone
blackened eyes calling doom
send me somewhere out of my room
crumbling walls, made of disaster
find me somewhere, somewhere after
where has all the happiness gone
tell me where i can find that song
the song of peace, of safe mind
the song where i was once kind
where wars were not meant to sign
treaties weren't broken; planets align[ed]

now chaos rules its mighty hand
and i am banished to the land
with nothing but a broken name
somehow i mush finish the game
no arrow, sword, nor a gun
only the sweat i've made from the sun
defeat i must, but no weapon
but faith alone has now begun

take me out i must surrender to end
give back me, to start again

make me whole.

butterfly butterfly, fly fly away

the best part of finding out how people work together,
is finding out whether or not opposites work.
finding out how the passionate people mesh with unpassionate people.
this scares the hell out of me. no idea if it'll work fine or else it'll see it as a dead wall.
i love adventures God puts in front of us, because my oh my they're amazing to follow thru when you see them!

bahh. humbug.

bahhh

what a day.
well post morning:

i found out about my test. i need a different turn in the road.
tonight was about prayer, and i'm glad i went. it was definitely for me.

jeffrey played fantastically even though he doesn't believe me. i even got to hear a song of him singing!
i forgot how much i love their songs there. really good worship.
then tobin and greg and alex were all up there too hahaha


and then after having fun i feel like i ruined an evening and got people stressed out :( i had to walk by the awkwardness and stress of it all and now i'm in a bad mood.
how awful is that to instigate a bad thing?
i mean i'm in a HORRIBLE mood :'(

saturday, rainy day

two great classes again today, i love the fact that I LOVE MY JOB!
i just have one girl who sometimes is irritating... but other then that it's awesome!
taught them chainee's today, [for the nondancing folk, they're turns that travel]

tonight i'm going to church at calvary again, seeing jeffrey play!! lead guitar, woot!

dah-dee-dah

blahhhh thursdays are the worst.

funny, i see myself almost headed down the same path as last summer...
though i better come to know exactly who you are,
but i shall wait and see, and drag myself oh so slowly, no running this time.
oh how i love summer, if only the sun would love us the same. whatever happened to global warming?

innocence.

today while being butterflies in my dance class my youngest three year old boy told me he wanted to fly to find God

good morning :]

what a wonderful feeling to wake up and the first thing you do is smile.

[colbie caillet] - fallin' for you

i don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you (x2)

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I'm fallin' for you

tuesday is here!

there's just something nice to be able to get butterflies everytime.
first time: someone asked for my number.
:D

subbing classes tonight,
then running to community. [yes i am crazy for going to the last bit of it, but oh well!]

to anyone who needs to see,

you are beautiful, strong, and God loves you.

scrambles

monday's gone, and i used the little mermaid as my happy place. with a panini... and legos..
now i'm laying in my room talking to a friend and being alright now. i'm better.
but am i hiding?

tuesday's tomorrow and it's full of chaos. brothers to pick up, drop off, subbing, running to the opposite end to hear the last bit of church and dairy queen hopefully !
please be better tomorrow, tuesday. i need it.
which reminds me that i should read my bible.

dying my red streak tonight! haven't done that in eons. looks way past orange now.

the test is tomorrow!

SUNSHINE, DAISIES MELLOW YELLOW

turn this stupid fat rat yellow! OMG IT'S SUNNY FOR ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!
gahhhhhh so happy
and i'm in a yurt all day :/ lol i hope we go outside.

thank you God for a wonderful life :]

love this sun!!

today was busyyyyyyyyy
and of course, like predicted for once, it was GORGEOUS outside!!!
work this morning,
then a first aid class.
graduation party, went to play in a park.
after dinner,
a fundraiser in which my friend was asked to perform again later on in life down the road!!
movie at her house.

hello, home. i shall not be here tomorrow :( because i'm stuck in a yurt all day studying :P

starwars nameee

something i love doing? having a debate with someone. a NICE one. something that's funny and can make you laugh at either end as well as think.
not something you get frustrated at, or irritated at the other person.
something that ends up making you learn about the other person.