"terrible, yes, but great"

last night, the eclipse i wanted so badly came. with a terrible terrible storm.
what am i talking about, you ask? let me tell you a story...


once upon a time,
the sun god and the moon goddess were great friends.
they were together every day, and were the best of friends.

but as all stories continue, they fell in love.
they became lovers, and were passionate about each other.
together, they thought they were unbreakable.

as a gift, the sun god gave the moon goddess the big dipper in the starry sky.
incredulous, the moon goddess was in wonder at how this gift touched her so; she wished she could give more to the sun god, for she loved him very much.
so she gave her life into him, she made sure she was always there for him, she held him, and made him laugh, and smiled.

but as life grew on, she realized how the relationship between the two was affecting them. within the bonds of love, they had lost their friendship.
frantic, she began searching for it, but it had slipped past her fingers.

they began to argue, and forget what it was like when they were friends.
one day, after an argument that cost them days of silence, the moon goddess knew what she had to do.

the day came to where they began to talk... they talked about a many great deal of things, and together, they decided they needed to rest from love, and find the friendship they had together.

but the sun god was proud; he could be beautiful when he was proud.
while they searched separately, each found different ideas of the friendship, and began to argue again.
it was as if the friendship was a lost cause.


desperate, the moon goddess tried one more thing. she wrote the sun god a letter, telling him she always will love him, and that the big dipper was his; he had always wanted it himself, and she found that he had given her a treasure that she wanted to give to him.
they needed space; space to grow as individuals and return to their real lives.


this is why the moon goddess comes out at night, and yet the sun god comes out in the day.
each are growing within their own space.

the moon goddess sees the big dipper at night, and smiles at it, knowing it is still the sun god's, even if it is her life. she was not ready to give him up entirely, but knew he needed to live life large.
she waits, knowing some day they will see each other again.



those days are called eclipses. they are the days they return to each other, and realize that the love will never be lost, even if the friendship is.

didn't you know how much i loved you [kellie pickler]

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

I can't get you out of my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone
You couldn't be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
From wanting you back to not giving a damn
I've felt it all
I've been to the wall

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you
And I'll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
I gave you everything, every part of me

you come back for reassurance, as my heart breaks one more time at each time you play with my heartstrings, unknowingly

i wonder and i'm scared of the power of wondering, of want, of doing...

"in a matter of time, those feelings come to pass; but not before they pass again and again"

my oh my, am i behind on blogging... december is such an interesting month. my thoughts run this way and that, half the time i have no idea what i'm doing, or what i am...
it's not that i'm lost, it's more that i'm in a trance of someone else.... so hard to explain.

so christmas has come and passed, way too fast...
my mom and dad have surprised me yet again.. :]
i was proud of my brothers, and glad everyone liked my gifts.
but, as christmas does every year, it marks another year. again and again. as my schedule is messed up and my sleeping hours are crazy, i seem to be in a state.. of what? i do not know.
thoughts run back to the past, even though i often am nostalgic.
ideas spring up, yet i am a coward to work with them,
but would it be a brave attempt to go with them? or crazy?

clueless i stumble; arms out for the Lord.....

so as the day after christmas comes to and end, blindly i go..

"you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye"

sometimes i wonder what i am thinking....

words unspoken

i've started things i cannot finish, for i don't know how to word them
too cheesy takes it to an obsession level
that's not what i'm going for
to harsh sounds like i'm hating,
and anything else sounds quite wrong

i just want to say i miss you
but that even can give the wrong impression
i love you sounds right
but as everyone says;
why? you can't say it in memory
or in passing anymore
it seems to have reached its height
and no more can it be said

in memory, i tell you
and shed a tear for you
because perhaps you may not ever stop really loving,
but you have to learn to live without it.

bffs become EXbffs and replace entirely too quickly

it's funny, but you really don't realize how much people affect you, until you are 'alone'.
funny thing when you pass your "ex"-best friend with her newly stated best friend... who of course used to be yours before.... silly things.
i really think God's telling me that he wants to show i don't need people, all i need is him. as i'm reaching out, trying to find that "guy".. give people second chances again and again..

funny that it has to be around christmas too.. good thing it's a family holiday :]


so... what do i do now.
i wish for hope.

and a bah humbug to you ;D

wow, for once i am behind on my blogging.
i have nothing exciting to talk about, really.
what has happened this past week, you wonder? hmm...

- work. stressful, grumpy, dreadful work. each day is a battle for motivation; each day i come home with a new reason to switch jobs. alas, with college coming up next fall, i really should not switch now...
- church. now that one is good. i love monday nights, each time i get more and more sucked into the high of Jesus Christ. i want him to be my king and i am getting there.
- drama. oh how usual it seems to become part of my life every freaking day. gahhhhhh. a friend has now told me that i stabbed her in the back because of. a. stupid. boy. oh; two, actually. yeah, nice to have a second chance [the 20th billion time of one] friend get you again. she is now not talking to me, and says she can never trust me.
- dance. ahh i'm dancing once or twice a week, so lovely... whilst dreaming of next year - cornish :D

idk... perhaps God is teaching me about loneliness.... i do forget all we need is him. perhaps this is the time to remember this. i've lost too many friends to care about it anymore; hardly. very sad indeed.

haha i find myself desiring a boy; one to trust with myself. there i have it again - i need no one. God i can trust. never need anyone else. but how hard, is that?
i find myself wishing for more, everyday. i need nothing else, i have more then i need already. i also complain way too much. why complain? i have a home, a future [ think lol], family, a job.
i can beat myself up, all i want. i seem to be ungrateful for christmas this year, without even realizing it. and that just makes me cry. that i'm completely ungrateful for what i have.
well, as i close this, remember, people, to think about what is most important of all, this christmas.

the betrayal of the soul, is an awful thing

why is it, when i tend to start to trust a person again, they betray me?
i hate people. you'd think i'd learn. especially by how that particular person acted AGAIN before. oh no. never seem to. because it just happened again!
i've lost so many friends because of this. it keeps happening. maybe i'm supposed to be a hermit or something. set myself apart from everyone because Lord knows i can't seem to keep friends with me.

"each betrayal begins with trust; for one should rather die than be betrayed. there is no deceit in death. it delivers precisely what it has promised. betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

i cried myself to sleep last night. why? a friend i thought i trusted, thought i had gained back trust from, after she betrayed me before, told me i was stealing her guys to flirt with. she "didn't like that. it was rude."
she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but i could tell something was wrong; i finally get the truth from her and i was reduced to a single soul without a castle to guard me, for i thought i had found a friend who could come in again. ohhhh no. she also tells me she doesn't trust me, and that she doesn't know why.... oh and that no one knows the real her.
after i got her truth out, i told her she had me in tears and i was going to bed.
her last response?
"what did i say?"






{Note: those who read the 'found a friend to come in', please don't find that offensive; i'm a very fragile person}

midnight wanders

haha had an adventure last night at 10.30ish...
i braved the freeway and picked up my dad :P his car broke down in renton.... lol so i went out and went on 167!!!!!!!! and made it there. by time that we got back at 12 i was really tired lol.
i mean, i was about to go to bed when he called...
so now, i don't have a car today!! woo-hoo :/
lol.







haha a boy gave me his number last night ;]

tonight is not the night for me..

tonight was unproductive; i'm so irritated by some events that i feel like crying.
i'm on that fateful roller coaster again.. i'm trying to keep my hands up this time; knowing i'm no longer on that wooden scary one. i'm on the metal one God placed me on.

work tomorrow; woo-hoo. lol.

i'm a mess. i feel horrible; and i'm also sick.
idk maybe i'm just pmsing... [i know you all wanted to hear that]


help me God, take me away
take me from those words i heard
from the man who told me,
he had the key to my broken heart
when really i had the sword again
how many times had i believed such a story
and i fell for it; again and again
how many times have i been told;
until i have nothing left to hold
God lift me up and take me away

away from that "knight" who painted his steed in white,
who's shining armour turned to rust, is beginning to sing his sweet poetry again
pretty words; face in mask
so convincing...
cover my ears and take me away

heal me from this monstrous fate
and lead me to greater things
for i am yours, and yours only
your love is better then any other.

snowy friday night

i realized my status has been "complicated" on facebook for a while now...
it was since april, then i had a relationship.
and has been ever since. it's like a boundary for me, another wall.

it's almost a reminder, that i am a complicated person, but a person with hope. i'm both.
it makes me wonder how the outside thinks of me.
i jump in so fast sometimes and please, keep taking it slow; or else i'd be a trainwreck already. sometimes i feel like i am.




"if you are missing me, i am in your shadows trying to decide where i belong/
days slip by; for i am nothing, if you are blind/so the shadows i remain as i try to wait for you to look back, for i belong in your arms; thus i have decided my path."

say hey, i love you

it's funny when you really have to watch what you say.
how you say it.
it determines what happens next, what could happen, why.

dangerous? oh yes.

monday night our pastor told us if we wanted to be a christ-follower, a real one, live dangerously and question God.
i did question him that night.
the next day? [yesterday] i didn't get on but two things happen.
1. i got accepted [early acceptance!] to cornish college of the arts,
AND
2. brian and i were texting all day.
:D God works in mysterious and dangerous ways.
hallelujah.

haven't blogged much, but

today, i went to the "grown-up doctor's" hahaha brain doctor!!!!!!!!! lol

you've made my day, sir. :D


and now, the rest of the day i am free.




church was epic, like usual. it was really great last night though. really amazing.