i do not understand you, no at all do i understand.

oh mornings

so i ran. i believe about 20 minutes. i was tired when i got back hahaha
but now i'm going to have to go to work in about 20 :P trying to decide if i hould pick up so coffee on the way or not.. hmm..





i hope you had sweet dreams, because mine was not as pleasant.

seven o clock sharp

last day of september, already, and i'm about to get myself out to go for a run.
7:00am.

here goes nothing.



and what you said last night, i know was real. i knew it from the first time, till now. and i mean it too.

the solid rock {christian song, sung by many}

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

When darkness seems to hide His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

untitled thursday[s] project

i stand before the cross
as tears fill my eyes
i sink to my knees
beneath your never ending glory
no longer can i look above
i've fallen to a point where i need your help
i'm being torn in two
but i'm still hanging on...
i don't want to let go of such a life
it was mine, and mine alone
but when i came back, and listened to you,
i fell on the ground, and retreated back,
back to the life that i thought i left behind, to where i grew up in,
that small place i thought i deserted.
on my hands and knees i knelt,
crying my tears of sin
i left you, when i left home, and i never once looked back
pick me up, oh Lord, and push me where i belong
is it considered sinful, that i still miss the life i lived?
is it bad, that i still love the ones i love, and want to be with them?
i know i am guilty, i know i was wrong, but in my head i have a silly love song
life only moves forward,
there's no going back
yet i still want to hold on...
is that wrong?
i don't understand you, i barely get what you do,



{to be continued}

tonight, i learned about honesty.

i don't even know how to describe how wonderful i feel right now.
my life is taking a good turn now!!

:D

"i'm the chicken you're the egg"

beware: only read if you can take it.

hyp⋅o⋅crite
  /ˈhɪpəkrɪt/ [hip-uh-krit]
–noun
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

[untitled poetry]

across this rainy universe, my Lord,
i feel this gravitational pull
i don't know what it means
all i know is i'll start walking
and never stop until i reach my destination
where that may be
guitar in one hand,
God's shield in the other
i walk upon broken glass
fightin with one hand,
trying to extend love with the other
so with my music as my friend,
i step forward with confidence
across the rainy universe, my Lord,
with you pulling me along.

idk what to say

wow.
i am completely shocked at how people react.
that's all i'm going to say; and that hey/ i've got freedom of speech.
just like you've got your own opinions.



wow.

west coast friendship [owl city]

Are you out there? Where the rainy days begin
To feel rather sad and walls are closing in like the darkness around me
It's so hard to look away when the daylight doesn't ever stay
Above this dull apartment view oh I will surround you
It's quite clear that I'm stuck here
So I'll devise a plan and cut out a door in my new living room floor
The porch light is so bright
That I will quickly sneak down the dark metal shape of the rusty fire escape
I bought a one-way ticket (first-class)
Cuz I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane and we were going down
And I woke up beside the ocean and I realized
I must be in California
Aloha, my happy west coast friends
Do you feel alive when the breaking waves arrive and rush all around you?
The beach homes in Oceanside are quite well-known by the evening tide
And we can sleep where we reside with redwoods around us
The blue air is up there and could I bring it down,
I'd bottle it up and save it for a sweet summer night
I bought a one-way ticket (first-class)
Cuz I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane and we were going down
When I wiped the tears from my eyes, the warm water took me by surprise
When I wiped the tears from my eyes, the warm water took me by surprise
And I woke up beside the ocean and I realized
I must be in California
I must be in California
Am I awake or is this just a dream?
The New Year is out here and
I will make a lovely list of your charms
So I'll never feel alone in your arms
I must be in California
I must be in California
Oh my dear, I can feel you here

the green monster of betrayal

the hurt one can feel,
from betrayal from the friendship
is just as bad as a broken heart.
why is it as bad?
because a broken heart is what you get.

"before you start blaming and pointing fingers, have the decency to wash them first"

this world is just as bad as any high school drama.
i want out of it. i want above it.
i hate betrayal. it's happened before. it's happening now.
the sad part is, i want to yell and scream, but alas, i cannot.
i shouldn't. i've done enough damage, i don't need them attacking more.

the thing that kills me the most; you call yourself a child of God. and you follow him. now is that really how a child of God behaves? does?

don't get me wrong. i'm nt calling myself perfect or better then you.
but i'm saying at least i know what is happening and am not blinded by the green monster that seemed to have attached itself onto you.

smurf+life+dislike=idk

smurf. hahahahaha





i sometimes rather dislike myself. the whole i am not motivated to do anything :[ then i think of it's not that hard, get into it, and then what if i do, what about then!?
yuck. bunch of psychobullshit.
*sigh*





working on apps. eek.
rolling along the boring trail of life. haha.

flirtacious work

i'm laughing at the fact this cute guy is still trying to convince me to date him.


so i meet him
one night i'm working with a coworker and this kid from little caesar's comes running in asking if either of us have a dime, he really needs one and he'll love us forever if we have one.
well i have one.. i go get it.
this kid exclaims he loves me and asks if i'd go on a date with him.
ummm no? lol he was severely disappointed. haha
so he later tells me good night, and that he loves me again.....

i see him a lot after that, he works days too.
later on he complains to me that he doesn't know why i wouldn't.. haha

so i find out later what his name is hahaha jordan.
he's a flirt, or so i hear.
he keeps trying.
i said i wouldn't, i always to. gahhh hahaha
he's making me laugh, that's for sure x]

somewhere over the rainbow

i guess it's weird to realize when you finally realize you're beginning to not be in love with that person anymore...
when it crosses back over that line of infatuation.
i wouldn't say i'm completely over you. but i'm starting to.


i laugh at the fact that you told me it was awkward of me talking about a boyfriend; yet you'll talk to me about at least three girls every night.
you talk about you've always liked 'her', and aren't sure what to do now, because of what you've told me.
you think this doesn't hurt? i never get you haha

you're starting to go down this path that i never can go; not that i could in the first place, but i don't know what you're doing.
i didn't know you at the beginning last year... were you like this too?


but finally. i'm getting over you. bit by damned loving bit.

people don't like the truth, as the truthsayer says.
but as i tell one truth, i get rejected
lies come out, and i am tested
i think of my people who i learned the truth from,
and i frown at the world.

i am the truthsayer.




or is it toothslayer......

the truth hurts, btu would you rather live a lie?

people don't like me.
why?






the sad thing is? i tend to be truthful; and people no longer like the truth.

another friendship seems to fall :(

it's amazing how far one goes to believe lies
it's sad to think one wn't go ask for the truth, because they'd rather wallow in self pity.
it's tiring to keep fighting for a friendship towards one who doesn't seem to want it
it's kind of funny when you talk about losing that friendship while speaking to that very person about it; and they are clueless.
it's sad to be pushed away, especially when you see them talking about they have no friends...
it's irritating when while one is wrapped up in their own hurt of drama, they create more towards you and they never realize it hurts just the same.
it's disappointing that you still hold onto anger towards others, and tell everyone you're just 'looking out for them'.

do you really believe the lies you tell?
do you really expect it to happen like it seems to in your world?
go ahead, throw away friendships, lust after anger, hang on to every move of them all.
go ahead, tell me lies to 'get me to tell the truth', let me get mad one more time, and leave me in the dark crying.
go ahead, expect everyone to pity you, complain to me like i'm your best friend, and then push it all away to be in your all-about-you world.
you know what? it's okay to have a broken heart. i do.
it's okay to be depressed. i have those moments.
but for God's sake, and yes i'm using the Lord, hold on to your friendships. you're going to need them when everything abandons you. there'll be a time when you will doubt God, and you will have nothing on the earth to hold onto either. that will be the peak of depressment. it's not fun. i've been there, but usually it seems to be the fact people have pushed me away; not i've pushed them.
it's horrible.
there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
but are you going to go blindly the other way?
or are you willing to follow it? let go of your still buried anger? hold hands with your friends?

i miss you. i really do. but you frustrate the heck out of me. i can't believe you'd accuse me of something you know very well i do not do. that hurt so bad last night, you'll never know how much that pain is. i'd thought better of you, and the fact that it happened... i got off crying, because i knew if i stayed on, i'd yell and scream and ruin my side of the friendship that's still hanging on.
you've hurt me too many times for someone practical to keep this friendship. i should have let you go a long time ago. but i haven't, and it hurts. a lot.
now will you remember that people actually love you?
or will you push them all away?
because i love you.

TODAY WAS NOT MY DAY

i sliced the tip of my thumb off today :(

as well as jammed another finger, and burnt a different one.
stayed 40 minutes overtime in work,
and had to deal with a stressed out boss.
really wanted to sue him..... too bad my bank includes 18 dollars.... damn.


cute boy though..... funny story on him but haha.
found out his name - jordan.
he always says hi to me. and i'm pretty sure he's a flirt.
and i told myself no more boys.


note to self:
NO MORE BOYS, BRYN.

i miss you?

it's funny how those little things set you off.
like when something happens and it makes you go "oh," and then hits you like BAM!

realizations make you miss a person right then and there at that moment.
especially those types where those instances where just for a moment, you actually miss that person; not the memories, not the stories, and not the dreams. you miss the person, and what that person did for you.
that's usually when you realize why; why you haven't let them go, and why you still love them.


oh the woes of life. of love. of us.
teenage angst? i'm not even sure if that's it anymore.
i want more. i want a difference.
i want to be able to look back without regrets and say yes, that was one of the best times of my life, and be over it.
because once you step forward, you can't step back. no matter how hard we try.
i want to be able to stop wishing it was that way, because i'm never going to get it back. but damnit the harder i try, the harder it is to let go.
it's not like it's going to happen. it can't. you'd think i'd learn.
life's fucked up. haha x]

bryn's vacation.

i have just come back form my FIRST ROAD TRIP [not familywise.] [well.... uh family, but not immediate family.]

so i went with my cousin to oregon to visit her best friend at linfield college in portland!


we went up sunday afternoon and ate pizza for dinner.
this place in portland is the posh area; rich people live here hhahaha

MONDAY:
the next day after we ate at a great bagel place for breakfast, then on to shopping around.

found a fabulous jack for 18 dollars!! at the only-18-dollar store haha

we late for breakfast so we had chips and salsa for lunch/snack

later eating pad tai [first time YUMMMM] for dinner.
after dinner we left for mcminfield [?] to the old college to visit another friend of my cousin's; playing two games of cranium there.
we stayed up a bit playing cards - i learned the game 'GOLF'.

TUESDAY:
my cousin and her friend seem to like lazy mornings. when we finally got out to get to the ZOO!!!!!!! it was like 11; and we spent a FREAKING HOUR trying to find parking!!!!
so when we finally did, the zoo was amazing. it was set up so fabulous!!!
so four and a half hours there, and we came home to hang out with another friend and nap.
so we ended up eating dinner LATE - which included spagetti and garlic bread.
staying up waay too late playing golf and chocolate cake!

WEDNESDAY:
early morning to catch coffee with best friend of my cousin's, and onto the road to come home :(
got home at about 11ish.

WOO HOO!!





best thing? i love that we both found out a lot more about each other on the way there.. like we both relaxed around each other :D we're a bit of wild children.

crazy little thing called love

"you really shouldn't say 'i love you' unless you mean it. but if you mean it, you should say it a lot. people forget"

yes, i know; i'm on this 'love' track.
i'm not sure why.. well, that's a lie i guess. i know why... but who likes to admit that stuff, hmm?
it's hard to give up things you don't want to give up. it's hard to accept it won't be like that, possibly never again.
what if it was everything you ever wanted? do you keep holding onto it because of its magic? or do you let it fade into the wind, keeping it in your box of memories to treasure..

funny, i keep trying to help a friend out with that stupid heart of ours, and yet here i am, not being able to follow my own advice i give out... sure, i don't have much stuff, and sure, i talk to the bastard who seems to still have a part of my heart, but jeez. you think it would be easier? seems to be not.

who needs that kind of love at the moment? i can't deal with it.
really, love makes you a liar.
but it causes you to be truthful to the point where it can hurt, mostly to yourself.

"love makes you a liar."

broken doll

say what you want; believe what you see
but your sticks and stones can never break me

if you say you're above all this shit, then why did you pick the fight in the first place?
jeez and damn.




took a ballet class yesterday, a little bit lot sore today haha


sometimes i wish i could go and say something... but what? i realize after all this i still want your friendship... something you've gone out and lost :( idk what to think anymore. i'm really trying to hold back commenting about this nasty hurt i am still feeling inside from what you did. i really think you don't think i hurt as bad as you, that you've got it the worst. well you don't. i won't go to say i'm hurting more, because i highly doubt that, but i'm pretty sure we're equal. don't twist things up anymore; you've now seen where that's got you the last two times... when you say you're proud, well i'd say got off your high and mighty. you're got all these people who want to be your friend and help you. are you letting them? all i've got is about two and a blog. jeez; you're even still better off and i bet you'll never know it.
*sigh*
i might even say i miss you, but hell i'm guarding my heart because i do not want this to ever happen again. i made a promise to myself, that night, and i'm going to stick to it.
not everything goes your way, and you can't hide behind excuses forever.






i am broken, God, please fix me.

nine-nine-nine

excitement is rather dull.
haha no it's just disappointing sometimes bahaha

doesn't help when you have dreams of such.


my back hurts and idk why :( i go to work today and it's going to be loooooooong day.

[later]
well. survived work; and then went on an epic adventure with zach :D
we sent kelsey a present; we barely made it in time for the post office because zach decides he forgets his letter at home, and we had to drive to his house to grab it, as he's telling me the whole time it won't fit... [hehehe]
so we get it all in there, and barely make it to the post office by 5:00pm.
{everyone should know, zach drives like a MANIAC! i all but got carsick with him lol}
we sent it!!!! after a bitchy lady let us.. lol.

can't wait to hear when she gets it :D



"i smile a lot, but when it's random i'm thinking of him"

love?

friends come, and friends go,
but love never seems to leave, you know.

and then that song made you think of me :]

goodbye...

there is a time for laughter, a time for tears; a time for smiles, a time for fears; a time for joy, a time to say "hi", but now is really a time to say goodbye.

what to say...

it's sunday morn,
and i do not know where to go
it's a morning after a fight
and i'm still mad
it's the day after some major thinking
and i still don't know what to do
it's nine hours after a riddle was told to me
and i still haven't figured it out



1] i'm losing you, i'm losing us, you're so confused about trivial stuff; learn to grow up sir.

2] how dare you say that, and not explain! i cannot ask more, or else feel doomed to thy persecution. oh how dare love by thy torment!

3]mysteries are said; and days are numbered... why and if and how and no.

4] there is no words, for anything else i have to say.

friendship? i don't think you know what that is.

friend⋅ship
  /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ [frend-ship]
–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.

to be, or not to be, THAT is the question.

so i'm supposed to find my passion.
and think.
i was told yesterday how my mother was disappointed in me, but really, she didn't mean it like that at all. she just told me what she saw with me throughout my dancing years.

she told me i could go back; if i look through it all, find my passion, apply myself, and figure out what i could get out of it besides a 80,000$ + debt.

a chance to go back...
wow.
and i definitely couldn't base it on friends haha cuz the ones i love will all be leaving this year. stupid college seniors and high school seniors.
haha.
which is a good thing, really, it helps me.


wow.

hello/goodbye

"you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye"

no one else would understand; so i hope you do.
even though you'll never read this, it is something i need to say.




{this was what started it all... my blog; read my very first entry}

me and you..

last time i tried to "help", you pushed me away.
i'm tired of being there, and not being wanted.
i told myself; i told you, i'd be there... but somehow i'm not what you want
you want that person who bends over backwards for you
something i learned i cannot do
i'll be there, but i'll help you see ways
haha that's what i had happen to me
life is always the classroom; every experience there is a lesson behind it.

1. i apologized, and you didn't accept it
2. i listened, but you didn't want me to talk
3. i loved you, but you wanted more and less then that, and now everything is gone for us

i'm not a puppet, oh people, i am my own.
each and every one of you has tried to change me
hiding behind bible verses, and destroying on your warpaths


"sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"

i wish i could stick to that. but alas, i'm still learning words don't have to hurt.
so as i become my own little hermit, if you ever wonder why, i'd like you to know it's because of you. you, all of you, and then me and God.

as i write along the lines on a page no one seems to read, i cry out to say i cannot be the person that when you need i'll be there. the friendship is a circle, not a solid line when needed.
i'm always there, but as you push away, the less i'll be there for you. because do you ever wonder if i am in need too?

heart gone awry

hurt. that's all i seem to feel anymore.
that's not good.
i should be above those trivial parts.
i am my own self, i do not need anyone else but God.
earthly treasures should mean nothing to me.
but it does.
f***/

at least i know God will never desert me.
and i have those who have not deserted me; i'm not saying you have.

i hate love, i hate friendships, i hate people. there. i said it.
i'm trying to find every piece of my broken heart; because the last time i tried to give it to someone, it shattered. then again, i didn't quite have all the pieces... but.. will i ever get it all again? who knows.

i need to stop.

confusion, much?

i get it. it's confusing. you're confused; we're confusing; i'm confused.
confuse is your word.

DAMNIT do you ever even consider perhaps i'm hurting just as bad as you are??????
it's not all about you, and i hate how you continue to hide behind your excuses.

you wanted friends, i gave you friends,
and now you run away from the freedom we have.



i hope you think, sometimes.
because now that i've lost most of my friends within the past month, i hope you're happy that losing my best friend has hurt the most; and that yeah. i'm not one with a rock hard heart. i do actually have one, i just don't complain to you.