why?
i dig myself a hole and get stuck, knowing very well i get into it...
then i try to climb out whilst others go deeper in the quicksand i have created....
arghhh

tears one night frustration the next laughter slightly tearing my hair love is fickle love is strong love is weak love is passionate love is the fool's work and i am no match.

"i dream those dreams as my heart goes to war against me"

i'm in and out of this world...
not knowing what to do yet completely movable on this path before me
mechanically i walk, the same pace as before
with the roaring ocean at war on one side of me,
the stillness of the dirt of the earth on the other
hearing the drum beat hit me like a bong
rhythmatically driving me to dance my life away...

"dream big, or don't dream at all"

In the eve of November, she went out to a party. She was ready for laughs, for giggles and boys. Ready to shed her ‘good girl’ image, for all girls go bad from time to time…
With her boytoy at hand, they jumped out of the truck and danced their way in there. Into the party house, the music was wild; the drinks were served. Tired of her boy of the moment, she was ready to recreate that fire she first felt and eyed the potentials.
Up the stairs in those party heels she knew a dancer up there… without a glance from her “toy” downstairs, she made her way up with drink in one hand, sass in the other. Eyeing the target, she walked over to where the dancers were lounging, but lo and behold the target was missing and another took the place. Not thinking of it much, she sat down next to him; talking and laughing, drinks doing the trick. A new friend was created, and he made her smile.
The clock ticked by and goodbyes were said. Surprising her much, he kissed her lightly and walked away.
Nothing was made much on that, as the day after she broke up with the boyfriend, avoided that dancer, and made up time with her boytoy.

Two months passed, and she got closer to that dancer…

oh, what is love?

saturday church

so tonight, dear friends, tonight was about happiness.
[uh, church]

- they talked about happiness we want all the time, about it coming form our heart. but often we don't connect happiness from the heart with happiness with our brains together.
we want the short term happiness, the Now, where we need to connect with our brains as well for what's going to be the lasting happiness.

it was very interesting to relate this topic on a main thing for me, as well as a couple of decisions to make too.
i hope you all will read this.
lol.

haven't met you yet - michael buble

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to loose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united


and I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmmmm

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Oh, you know it'll all turn out,
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet,
Oh, promise you kid,
To give so much more than I get.

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
So doy day ay ay ay, ay ay yeah
I just haven't met you yet!

all i can say is the butterflies won't go away
when i look into that deep blue sea of yours

to you, my friend

i really hope, friend, you are basing your decisions on what God wants you to do, and not your own desires.
i am praying for you as hard as i can... but man when you can see us all so clearly saying it's a bad idea, i hope you know it's because we think God is telling us it's not good. we love you, you know.
don't lose all your friendships again. we all have been happy to build them back up, but you know how it is to get hurt again and again.. call us selfish, but we love you too much.
please step back and look at yourself; you're going against everything you had said a couple months ago. do you remember promises we made, the long talks we had? everything is down the drain on these because of one decision.... what if it isn't in God's plan?
but please, please don't risk your friendships with us by telling us one thing, but telling other[s] another. you are putting us out on traintracks with that train coming. please, please don't.

i will keep my mouth shut for you, because it is not my battle to fight. thought you know i would. but you come to ask my opinion, you know i will give it, the truth. but i'm praying.

you know you have to be "friends" when the damned side-hug comes in. :(

MORE COWBELL!

i have fallen behind on my blogging, but i suppose that is a good thing. i'm trying to not be on the computer as much as i am.

people say they have senioritis, which thank goodness, i'm out of school. i'm opposite. i want more disneyland.
"i've got a fever. and the only prescription baby, is MORE DISNEYLAND!"
[my mom just made me watch an NL skit of of will ferrel... lol.. called 'more cowbell' with christopher walken, and it is HILARIOUS. watch it.] it's actually cowbell, not disneyland.
i would give anything just to sit in front of that castle.

anyways, this week has been a tornado, that's for sure. with work, mostly.
and tuesday.... oh bloody tuesday. my life could completely change around by one little thing. grrrr.
lol. saturday, thank goodness. brother's concert today, and church.

what meant to be a status now cannot, for i remembered i was talking to him

we were swings, we were roofs, we were sunsets and parks. we were laughter, we were serious, we were fireworks, we were long talks in the night. oh where oh where, did summer go?

it is interesting how one little thing can change your entire life around.

yesterday i made one of the hardest decisions of my life.

sunflower amidst the daisies

all the daisies that i walk through, they all look the same
fields and fields of daisy chains
picked randomly and carelessly
something is missing, it's like every other day

i'm looking for that something
somewhere in those daisies, i've got a sunflower waiting for me
so i'm looking for that missing flower
as it waits for me

as long as you're away, the pain will not go away
you are that sun flower, somewhere in the daisies
i try to ignore it, but i begin to search without knowing i am
it i tried to keep away
yet it keeps coming back

run away run away
to that field full of daisies
all the daisies i walk through, they all look the same
fields and fields of daisy chains
picked randomly and carelessly
but something is missing, it's like every other day

as tears run down my face
to water your sunflower
i hug myself to pretend
but pretend can't get me anywhere but nostalgic nights
nights staying up too late and thinking too hard
wishing for that sunflower,
to come brighten up my heart

of all the daisies in that field,
i'll stand to find that sunflower
because no matter how i try
it keeps coming back.

AUNT FANNY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so excited. off to get his gift :D

thank goodness it is friday.

that's all i have to say.

green.....

i find myself trying to control my mind, for jealousy is striking hard and fast.
just days before, i was ecstatic for a friend[s]; now this 'deathly hallow' has erupted me, and i am corrupted. [not to say i wasn't before...]
i hate this feeling. it's not that i'm not happy, because i am. it's just the fact that little monster is saying "where's your fairytale"?
why...
as it's eating at me, i look for new tactics for myself, and for this mind of mine...

fallin' for you [colbie caillat]

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

he-who-must-not-be-named

it's like the puzzle is put in place, the wrong begins to right/that exhilarated feeling, lasts through the night. so i'll begin to dance in the rain, so no one will see me cry... i'd still lay down my life, for you, i'd die. hopeless, they say, hopeless i may/ so i shall wander, and correct my mistakes, if love could bring me here, then love it shall take.

how cut off it sounds.... how choppy and clueless... i forget my 'place' and have to butcher my meanings on facebook anymore.
i am friends with people i want patience with. patience to love, and not to hurt or agonize.
i wonder if you read my blog anymore. i dare not say what i want to say completely, just in case. i said what i wanted in my letters.
letters have been my downfall, and my savior.... to you? i don't remember.
last night i went to bed in the weirdest mood... as i smile for my friends, an honest smile, but my insides are burning up.
the term "hopeless romantic" comes up often used.. i'm beginning to know what it means.
but,
hopeless, or hopeful?
i sigh, watching wind wrestle its impatience around with the earth. i wonder when you'll read them; i wonder when we will talk next.

selfishism....

i have come to the realization that i am incredibly selfish.
that being said, i would like to try and change that.
i complain to much. do i do anything about since? no.
i get yelled at for being too defensive with my words at home. i get irritated that i do, yet still i speak before i think.
i don't read the Bible except in church two nights a week. that's absolutely horrible....
i also don't pray hardly at all. so much for being a good christ follower....
i'm immature how i handle some work problems; honestly i just don't know how to handle them in the first place. perhaps i should learn.
i am not well on holding on friends; but i never try to continually reach out to them. this, this i decided to try and grab ahold of the friends i have now, and hold on tight.
i learned more stuff about people this past week then i ever have.
i learned what it's like to have FUN with more then one person at a time. i learned that i believe my heart was broken for real, instead of refusing to believe it and holding on to it by a splinter. i learned i'd wait a lifetime to heal a lost friendship. i wonder if you still read this...
i don't make new year resolutions; i think they're stupid in my opinion. but if there was any type; i'd try and use them on myself. i no longer want to be selfish. i want to be unto others. i am jealous. i am selfish. i am proud. i am not a motivator. i want to change everything about what i said here, and do good.
and under Christ.
good day.

schedules.... i'm still trying to decide whether i like them or dislike them..

friends are such a wonderful thing to have.

goodbye, hello.

so... the new year has finally come.
good riddance to the bad rubbish of last year.
lets see....

-i had a seizure, not two months before i could have called it a year.

-a rose always has it thorns, and as a relationship will last within its bliss, the thorns will come to hurt.

-i crashed my car.

-i lost my best friend.

-i was in depression.

-i could go on forever.

-i lost more friends.

but the good. i do i have that did happen to come within two thousand nine.

-i had one of the best relationships possible

-i fell in love.

-i was accepted into cornish.

-i found a wonderful bible study.

-i was given back my job.

-i had a wonderful summer.

-i gained new friends.


what a year, what a year.
and now, twenty ten has finally arrived.
bring it on.

2010 to begin with...

what a year. and it's gone. wow.
i'll talk about it more later.
as i started my lovely new year of 2010, i went and saw sherlock holmes. :D fantastic movie, i'm ready to see it again. and i don't do that often.

dangerous - house of heroes

I think I like where I'm standing
I think I hate it too
'Cause it's safe on the side of caution
But baby, it's so far away from you

And if I try my best, I still can't find a way to let it go
And it's so much work pretending to move on
I can't if I'll never know (Walk in the rain)
In love and pain (On and on)
'Til we find a new beginning

Hey, hey, this is dangerous
I've buried all my dreams but the ones of us
I think I never knew you when I knew you before
And every time we meet
It's like you're breaking my heart all over

Give me peace, give me trust, give me something real
Let me know when it's safe to begin to feel
All the things I knew before, I need something to fight for
Talk it out, all these hours, almost every day

Still you fill my lungs (Still I walk in grace)
Until I've unlearned everything, except to trust
I can't if I'm too afraid of love and pain (Is that so wrong?)
Tell me that I'm gaining something

Hey, hey, this is dangerous
I've buried all my dreams but the ones of us
I think I never knew you when I knew you before
And every time we meet
It's like you're breaking my heart all over

Hey, hey, this is dangerous
I'm writing all the songs that I'll play for us
I'm crossing off the reasons why I couldn't believe
That peace of mind was something that I'd ever achieve

Come on, come on
Nothing to be lost or won
Come on, come on
I feel as if we've just begun
I'm standing here alone

Come on, come on
Nothing ever seemed so clear
Come on, come on
And still I don't know how to feel
I walk this road alone

Come on, come on
Listen to the sound of the rain
Come on, come on
Can it take me home again?
Take me home again to your arms

Hey, hey, this is dangerous
Waste the night away with us
Even if we never find a way back to love
The desperate and the faithful are the ones we can trust

Hey, hey, this is dangerous
I've buried all my dreams but the ones of us
I think I never knew you when I knew you before
And every time we meet
It's like you're breaking my heart all over

Come on, come on
Nothing to be lost or won
Even if we never find our way back to love
Take me home again