ehh well lol

july thirtieth, two-thousand-nine.
<3

{because i'm just that cool}

foxy,

andddddddd after all that,
i now have a boyfriend. lol.
:D

the life of a teenager

i yelled. and i feel good.
kinda. why are boys so complicated and stupid and dumb?

"no chance, no way i won't say i'm in love,"

© disney's hercules

i promise i won't get too deep into love, i promise i won't fall back down that hard until i'm at least 21.
there's no need to get your heart broken twice in a row so quickly, so soon...




once again, with the the model just has all thrown on yet still looking very chic, it's very cute. whenever i try this look, i almost always look like i just throw it on, but never look chic. haha
[working on that...]


tap class yesterday -
we learned time steps!!!!
and pullbacks!!!
i was very excited and happy about that :D

it's a mad, mad world.

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?

all i'm saying about boy subjects, is that if he was actually my boyfriend, he just broke up with me.
and you know what? i should have yelled. but i didn't, because i fell too deep into that hole i promised myself i wouldn't trip into again for a long time.
gahh.



anyways.



© ellegirl
i need to turn this back into a fashion blog like i originally wanted it to be, instead of a rant about whatshisbutt.

i like this look ^^ very chic, very laid back yet still.
this sounds like a shit but whatever.
peace.

souls are too fragile,

today i gathered up what courage i have in my "bag" and went to ask the Boy's mom if i could put a letter on his door.
well. she isn't home... so i go to put it on his car; and as i'm getting back into my own, she pulls up.
awkward lol
i explain, and she lets me go put it up, but then invites me to go with her to pick him up !!!
[of course, i say yes]

see him several billion hours later;
i am known infamously as "the woman". yeah. really :P so i get introduced to everyone, and i am not kidding. everyone.

we go back to his house and end up walking barefoot to southwood :]
and talk. like usual.

so why do i feel all sad? because he's back. that's fabulous.
wtf?!??
........
*sigh*


i told him of the letter..... *gulp*
i just gave him part of my soul.
this is of wednesday night [that night..] all the way until today.
uhhhhhhhh

love, lies, and the ponderings of life.

i'll drink to you,
i'll drink to me,

but heavens would you ever drink for me?




when loves fail you, do you fail upon love?
what happens if the best person that has happened to you, ends up saying no?
do you carry on like your life is over, or learn from the mistakes?
what happens, if you chose neither, instead to pursue...


the ponderings of life, by bj w.

drink to life;

i'll drink to you,
i'll drink to me,

but heavens would you ever drink for me?

I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long
And he sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishin' he was mine

I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you
But he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
And he loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie

love=the slowest form of suicide.

when you draw those tattoos, and put secret messages in them?

i draw a heart; a stupid cliché heart, "broken" in half. one side gets completely covered in, and then the other i put bryn <3 heart
and slightly scribble it in, so it's a 'secret message' yet you could read it.. [i hope lol]
oh, and with an arrow going through it, of course!

so he tells me later he was showing everyone it; [!!!] and that he washed it off..... lol...
i asked him if he read the message in it, and he goes "no.. i couldn't really read it well; 'i love you'?"
i paused, not thinking he'd say that at All.
"well, basically the same thing," i mumbled, and a bit clearer i went, "it said bryn-heart-you"

so what the fuck does that mean?
does he expect that i said that; is it that obvious?
does he think i do, know i do?



i signed his car; and he tells me i can't draw my big heart because he "doesn't want the mexicans to give him grief"
as i know very, very well what that Really means. hmph.

so what does he do? later on he tells me that he drew a big heart.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
this will be the death of me i swear.

the summer story, going by 1, 2, 3.

oh sweet, summer breeze
come carry me away
take me far from the attacks;
of the ridiculing people
take me back to yesterday, where fantasies still came true
where i wrote out my life, with my scribbling pen
mistakes were oblivious and smiles were endless

my path came easy, and no confusion was made
but now, as i walk my upon the lonely road,
there are forks every right turn,
and upon every left; the bumps and the rubbish create disaster

take me back to when the world was nice
when fairytales came true
and happily ever after was not a myth

where i could hold you in my arms
and not be tied away from your embrace

i'd never thought the words "i wish" would haunt me in my dreams;
yet to the amount i heard you say it last night, makes me stare off into space in wonder...

in wonder; to think of those nightmares creeping up to me
whispering in my ear,
runaway....


a year from now, or maybe two,
a different person looked into the mirror
age has grabbed a hold of time

falling backward
scrambling for lost time
out of mind, blinking blankly

watching the mist in front of yourself...

seeing what you have covered before
watching how your love has blinded you
and you only want what is rightfully yours,
never thinking of what could be theirs as well

nightmares grab you
daydreams push you
and as you scream within the webs that have caught you,
you wonder why you're talking to yourself in third person..

why is it so hard when you fall, deep down into the hole?
the one thing i promised myself was i would not fall down
during those left turns on my path,
i'd keep watch for those ruthless holes
i've fallen before, and recently too,
but i said NO more, please

and yet here i am...
once again learning the difference between holding a hand and falling in love;

as i storm off, getting mad and quiet
i want my side of the story
i want my happily ever after
not once thinking of your side,
and your after..

guilt over comes and fights cease
just to happen all over again

i want you to understand,
possibly because i want to understand myself

i'm going to love you,
whether you like it or not,
and whether it's the story i would have written in pen or not,
and start by telling the truth, all over again.

wednesday's question;

the question that has been bothering me since last wednesday night.

so are you a coward when you stop yourself from doing what you want to do because you know it's wrong? or are you courageous because your heart knows deep inside this is fate telling you be strong and resist?

my-oh-my.
well i'm on a secret vacation that only few, select people know about. well..... my friends know about it :P but the family barely knows anything.
lol.
i'm having a blast sitting in a 88 degree pool in 100+ degree weather :D
vegas is amazing, sir.
though i'm missing the Boy a lot, and my other people :]
he's an idiot, did i mention that? lol.


two more glorious days, and i'm going to the wax museum soon!!!!

sparkler bombs and ghosts;

there are times i step outside of myself, and i look at what i am. i might not do very well at changing of what i am, but i certainly know of what i do and am doing.

when you love something so much, it is hard to back down
to listen to your heart, is a very dangerous thing,
but to do what it tells you is much, much worse
the word 'worse' could be courageous
love is so much more complicated then one would think


my 'epic adventure' took me to the Boy's house, and we met up with zach, kelsey, and rj; and went up to sunrise elementary park.
we lit off quite a few sparkler bombs in the meantime.


eventually we made our way to hang out in the playground itself; nothing too fancy or anything.

we signed out names; each on a single bar,
bill clinton, barbara streisand, poop, david bowie, zach.

last night after work i went with kelsey and foster up to meet with zach, and we went to lake tapps.
we decided that we were jumping into the lake. at 9:30pm !
so we get in and we're goofing off, and then later the Boy, mollie, and isaiah show up with us; and we're goofing off until a police car show up. they don't say anything to us, by that time the Boy, mollie, and isaiah are out swimming, while foster, kelsey and i are sitting on the edge, zach in the water close to us. we slowly start to get out, while the police is looking at this one car in the parking lot...
foster, kelsey and i get to her car, and then we realize the police are at zach's car!!
we're in the car, trying to decide what to do, as he's [zach] is slowly getting on all his clothes...
he keeps looking at us, or it's just cuz he's facing us, we don't know..
deciding quickly, we jet out and head to the bonney lake safeway, and figure out a plan from there.
i texted the news around, and we wait for the rest of the crew to follow.
eventually, the rest of the crew showed up.

so we're standing in the bonneylake safeway parking lot, have freezing because most of us are pretty much wet. a lot.
in a circle, trying to figure out what to do next.
though we didn't figure out what to do, we kinda seperated off to our ways.

i went off with the Boy basically to home.
and found out as he hurriedly tells me; he no longer wants to guard his heart.
we'll see how/what that means next time.
gahhh lol

hearts, water, and coffee

"You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy"

that's the verse set or whatever that always gets me. it makes me wonder how far i'm falling...
i swore off boys the last time, the last time i fell in love.
and then he came along...
*sigh*
and now i'm caught in the snares. i know i love him, whether it's me and him as best friends forever, or as him as a singular person i love.
i hate falling. :]





{later;}
HE BROUGHT ME COFFEE!!!!!!! at work :D
and he told me he doesn't want to guard his heart anymore.
perhaps i shall soon know what that means ?

the Boy and my big dipper,

i think i've figured it out....
i learned/realized three things last night.
that time is needed, he is a hypocrite though i don't think he knows, and being comfortable may be the key.


that time is needed;
the Boy is extremely uncomfortable. at one point he was like, "i just want to get to know you better," i didn't take that hint right away.
i believe i got this.
haha. we played 20 questions the other day x]


and being comfortable may be the key;
so last night we were at my house instead of a park, playing connect four, for an hour. an hour!!! haha it was fun. i was just sick earlier so i was quiet because the hyperness of everyone at youthgroup was ringing in my head [headache].
but it was fun.

he is a hypocrite though i don't think he knows;
then,
THEN; the Boy's playing against my brother, and i'm behind him, semi resting my head on his shoulder [really just my chin, i was leaning on his chair from behind] and he kinda leans against my head too. !!
the Boy who told me to stop being affectionate because it messes with his head.

he is so freaking confusing!!!!!! LOL.
i think in order to get comfortable, he's using a safe environment, one that he likes, and just to have fun. i also think he Might have wanted to go there instead of a park because he didn't want to go deep talking like we seem to always do now at the parks.



right before we left, we were out there next to his car talking and looking at the stars :]
{big dipper is mine, btw, and the sun/moon is his}
he keeps looking at me like he wants more, but he's trying to resist. and i have a hard time not wanting to kiss him. he looks like a puppy. bad way to want to kiss someone..... but he's my favorite. everyone think we're dating anyway. lol.

*sigh*
someday, maybe soon, i'm going to forget to hold back, and i'm going to kiss him. we'll see how that goes, hmph.

why you must date dancers.

They are dancers.
They partake in monthly fasting ritual and weekly Pilates penitence. They belong to the only cult that requires a two-minute audition. But they are fun to date. Men: to those of you used to down-home girls, dancers are probably pretty intimidating. They're skinny enough to slip through jail bars, and have enough attitude to hold off a drunk KA.
They are, quite simply, divas. What is this strange and new concept, you ask? Diva is that almost permanent air around dancers that says, "My mind and body work in perfect unison. I am walking art. Who are you?" Gentleman, this is why you want them. Yes, their legs can break you in half; yes, their dress style is best described as "neo-retro 60s funk something-or-another," but they make you have a good time, whether you want it or not. Think of dancers not as skinny, but svelte, not as muscular, but firm. They're not fashion victims, they're fashion assassins. Get them to take their hair out of that omnipresent bun and they're curious as kittens, hot as napalm, and subtle as a shotgun blast. Plus, come weigh-ins, you'll save a lot on eating out. Dancers are interesting.
On stage they embody grace, but everywhere else they walk into table corners. In class they do demi pliés, but at clubs they're full-on grind. They're portraits of concentration at one kind of barre, and the last ones to sober one another. And if you play a good song they, well, they bob. While everyone takes off nice clothes and puts on sweats at the end of the day, dancers do the exact opposite.
If you don't pay attention to them, they tap. They can tell you exactly how many calories are in a Big Mac. And they'll eat it anyway. They're divas.
Which means they dream, and they dream big. You have to understand that most people don't dream the way a dancer does. There are three kinds of dreams in this world: the comfortable, the successful, and the dancer. Comfortable dreams mean nice family, nice car, and secure job. Successful dreams mean wealthy and well known. This could apply to the arts as well as lawyers -- photographers, writers, actors, and artists can all be rich in their lifetimes, even if it never was the goal.
But not the dancer. The most famous dancers never get rich. And they are almost never famous outside their field. No, a dancer might dream to see her name in lights, and mean it. She might want to be the object of thunderous ovations night after night, and mean it. But all she really dreams is to make someone else feel the way she did when she first saw a dancer. And they want to do it over and over.
And that is so, so beautiful.

life is at a tilt;

i will be eighteen in four months and ten days.
this is rather exciting. i decided i really want to get a tattoo. it's going to say 'dance' on it; i just need to figure out the language. it's going to be the inside of my wrist, i'm thinking the left side, but... i mean that's the one i write on. of course it would be that one. should it be on the right instead? idk. i also put my bracelets on the left, if i wear them.


i need to start making the Boy a bracelet. his is starting to break and and he wants a new one :]
idk what the hell we are lol. everyone assumes/thinks/says we're dating... yet he refuses. *sigh* eh well. i'll work on it. but damn. he's so wonderful i don't want to ruin the beautiful friendship.
my favorite thing to do with him is go to a park and just hang out; just talk.
{the big dipper is mine, btw. i don't care about the stupid sun}
i have yet to completely figure him out. but he's someone who's completely, completely precious to me, and he's amazing.
gahh.
...yeah i know...i posted about him last night lol...

give me one reason why not to fall harder.. i already stumble enough around you.
you tell me don't be so affectionate, it messes with your head, yet you are more affectionate then me!!



well i feel absolutely horrible right now. headache, i'm sore, i feel like i might throw up, stomach ache, BLAH.
work in half an hour. wooh-hoo.
peace.

love, love, loveee

i can't get over love.
i hate it, and i love it. i'm tired of holding back, i'm tired of waiting.
i hate patience!
this kid, i swear, i'm almost thinking i'm falling in love with. gahhhh he's my best friend, and i've come to terms and have realized that he's sooo much more to me then i knew. ever since fourth of july, we bared our souls under the stars, and it's been so fucking weird!!!!!!!!
we're at that point where we're both best friends, yet we're teetering on the edge of being more.
he's seriously scared of relationships :( and it's so hard to talk to him about it. just about us in general.

we got to parks and hang out :]]]]]


love. is. retarded.
and i'm crazily inside of it.

the slowest form of suicide is taking control. deep down it's filtering; out through my soul. the thorns of love, how bittersweet...


i'm here, i'm frustrated, i'm waiting, i'm over; but i won't let go.
i'll be sitting there; and i'll be ready.
when you find the crossroads, don't choose between left or right.
go to the middle, for that's where you'll find me.
there'll be that mountain the climb, obstacles in the way.
i'm up there, waiting, watching the stars align for you.
i'll put that map in the sky, just follow it.
go past the milky way,
i'm next to the big dipper ♥