who am i to say

hello. welcome to my life right now.
average is boring, right? well. i ended up being average.
i just quit my job. my last day was friday. now i have no money income, as well as no upcoming job.
i have two months to pull my act together for school. that's my testing time. i can't study. it goes thru one ear an out of the other.
i feel like i'm beating myself down with the fact i've just turned a major chapter in my life, and also that i'm freaking out.


you know when your life gets to the point where you feel like it's supposed to turn into one of those inspirational movies? it feels like that. i'm walking thru the motions, not knowing where i'm going...
is life supposed to be like that? full of surprises.. of mysteries sometimes unpleasant, and some tiny random happiness?
the nights where you want to fix something, yet that doesn't seem to going to happen soon?
how long is that light at the end of the tunnel going to stay on for you...




i'm eighteen. little does my mother know but i want out of the house. now. i'm tired of having to tell her everywhere i am at every little second.
so i got lost on mount peak today. i missed a fishstick and tater tot dinner. i have done worse, especially this weekend.

i've come to a point in life where i don't like myself. at all. the word drastic has never come to mind. i have done things that have been called 'drastic', but with a clear conscious mind and for "fun". it is surfacing now, and that's not good..


i've this mood itching for rebelism, if that's even a word, and the last time i did that i was in north carolina. i've been moderately good for the past year... and a half.
who am i?
and how come when our purpose in life is to serve God, i seem to fail in doing this?
i actually, for once, hate myself.

this new chapter makes me feel exposed. i'm that open window for everyone to see, instead of that door with a peephole.
am i babbling yet? yes.



the lovers, the dreamers, and me.