live laugh love

laughter is a gift, something to be able to have and use at only the right moment,
it can be your medicine, when you're "blue", or an everyday vitamin
laughter is considered as a friend
laughing is a must
laughter can only be a good cause
laughing at someone is judging, and that is a sin.

so laugh. live. laugh. love.

multipersonality?
oops.

"we"

what happens when what you want is right there in your face
and you're too scared to take the chance?

today God was good. even though He always is.

it's amazing how something so little can change your life.
my friend reaccepted Jesus Christ today.
God gave me the job i needed.
i got the laughs with two of my good friends i have not been able to hang out with in several months.
today was a good day.

who are you to judge..

who are you?
what are you doing?
are you thinking at all?
is there even a difference about you?
why is this happening?
are you obsessing?
what is this moodiness?
would you be able to show your face, and stare back confidentially?
are you righted?
a knight?
a vagabond, or a criminal?
a prodigy, or a simpleton?
what does it take to still the mind?
are you judging?
is it a sin to judge yourself?
why are you questioning everything around you?

to still the constant questions...

sticks n stones may break my bones....but words can never hurt me, right?

excerpt from 'captains and cruise ships' [owl city]

"When you were home we'd sing but since you've left I don't hear anything
Though I feel so sad, I can't believe things are really that bad"

you told me to fly

you told me to fly, and for you i shall try
for flying was always something i did when i was with you
i landed when that plane landed back here,
far away from you
back in the coddled nest i went
blinded by visions we shared, ones we had
so proud so mighty so fragile i was
tearing myself apart trying to understand anything at all
and now i've fallen out, i'm falling down
down down down
blackness hits and the water falls
fly, you say
fly? i ask
i remember as if it was yesterday
but cowardice has wrapped its wings around me
and defeat calls out from a distance
shall i continue in the throes of misery,
or soar like we did before?

you told me to fly, and for you i shall try.

four-twenty/

i figured out i have a friend whom i hadn't seen in quite sometime, who never speaks completely straight with me. he always seems to speak in riddles of somesort.
whether it's to get me to ask more questions and irritate me further [yes, that's probably it], or he isn't even aware, he does it every time.

his best friend happens to be the one i'm relatively trying to date.
he knows this. i see him and the first thing he does yesterday was smile his knowing little smile and went, "so, how're you and him?"
tells me they both talk about me. this scares me. and i know i won't get any information out of him whatsoever too.. even if i did, i'd be afraid he'd say something back.

this sneaky friend of mine even tried to tell me last year to date this kid... which was exactly why he brought it up.
unanswered questions like this drive me nuts.


i realized the guy i'm trying to possibly have something with is impossible to figure out. and i can usually read people out pretty well. this actually intrigues me, and i think i'm thinking this as a challenge. is this an okay thing to think?
i believe the biggest thing of excitement? i'm no longer linked with him as his manager. this has made my day yesterday/

earthly earthy earth?

tuesday has come and gone as quickly as a blink of an eye. well... the hours were slow, but the day zoomed on.
i went and dropped off apps and resumes.. but yeah.

the afternoon was well spent with the possibilities i pondered but did not apply myself to. does that make me a disappointment? or average?



i find that the simplest things can please me, but yet they all are things that can frustrate me...
who am i, to doubt my life? who am i to judge the earthly things around me... to be grounded, is that right? to become one with the earth? or is it better to fly far away up high and above?

do i speak in tongues to everyone, or am i clear as a blue sky?




for once in my life i am insecure. and i don't like it. i know what i'm hear for. i'm doing a pretty bad job of it.
i'm moody every day every minute every second. when things don't go my way i want to pull a tantrum.
this is not the life i should live.
is insecurity that bad to where i just go back to the safe job?
i don't want to be standing ont he other side of glass, looking at the cliff, i want to be scaling that cliff.
with confidence.

who am i to say

hello. welcome to my life right now.
average is boring, right? well. i ended up being average.
i just quit my job. my last day was friday. now i have no money income, as well as no upcoming job.
i have two months to pull my act together for school. that's my testing time. i can't study. it goes thru one ear an out of the other.
i feel like i'm beating myself down with the fact i've just turned a major chapter in my life, and also that i'm freaking out.


you know when your life gets to the point where you feel like it's supposed to turn into one of those inspirational movies? it feels like that. i'm walking thru the motions, not knowing where i'm going...
is life supposed to be like that? full of surprises.. of mysteries sometimes unpleasant, and some tiny random happiness?
the nights where you want to fix something, yet that doesn't seem to going to happen soon?
how long is that light at the end of the tunnel going to stay on for you...




i'm eighteen. little does my mother know but i want out of the house. now. i'm tired of having to tell her everywhere i am at every little second.
so i got lost on mount peak today. i missed a fishstick and tater tot dinner. i have done worse, especially this weekend.

i've come to a point in life where i don't like myself. at all. the word drastic has never come to mind. i have done things that have been called 'drastic', but with a clear conscious mind and for "fun". it is surfacing now, and that's not good..


i've this mood itching for rebelism, if that's even a word, and the last time i did that i was in north carolina. i've been moderately good for the past year... and a half.
who am i?
and how come when our purpose in life is to serve God, i seem to fail in doing this?
i actually, for once, hate myself.

this new chapter makes me feel exposed. i'm that open window for everyone to see, instead of that door with a peephole.
am i babbling yet? yes.



the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all.” - Emily Dickinson

lyrics for Christ

set fire of their bodies of dearth for we grow weary of warring with our flesh



you say take heart but the heart i've been given seems to fall apart



we may lose the battle but he has won the war

you say to trust your heart
but my heart's still missing you

i do not understand men.

nowhere man, please listen.

work today :( blah.
last sunday though. that's good. six more days of working... in a row..

last night was fun hahhahaha oh goodness.

its sunny today, and slight less more wind.


i'm getting awful at writing something good on this blog of mine.
i don't know what to say anymore. i don't like putting my entire lifestory out here, so i end up putting these random words out on the "page".
this week is hopefully going to breeze on by, because i am so ready for the week after. new chapter.

deep shit.

ahhhh :D
it was a date.

gahhh. deep shitt.
well glad that's done and on to the next. sadly enough, the one that was planned two days ago i'm more excited then the one i planned a month ago.....
but you only live once, yes?
hope this is good. lol and slow.



how do i continue to dig holes deep enough i can't get out, yet shallow enough i can't swim away ??

weightless - all time low

Manage me I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book
Half unread

I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because

I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough

Well I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over, getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word
By design
Turns a head

I wanna feel reckless
I wanna live it up, just because

I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

This could be all that I've waited for
(Waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything
I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy
I'm stuck in here

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear (everything I fear)
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

arms wide open [creed] - excerpt

With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

grrumph

well. this weekend was an interesting weekend to say the very least.
now i am dreading these next two weeks. they'll be long. politics will rage.
but as i secretly rejoice, i find a couple friends to hold on to.
at last. finally.




hmph. well i've got three exciting things this week. tuesday night, wednesday, and friday.
but alas, it's only monday......

"i'm a mess in a dress and i'm falling apart; plastic smile on my face and a stone for a heart. there is a passion that's stirring, crying for help, but i'm afraid to swim, for fear that i'll melt"

dancing

a friend asked me yesterday about me nervous or anything for my performances tomorrow..
i told her i don't think about it, that it's just a part of me now.

i thought about it last night.
i miss performing three times a year. and i mean real performing. the kind that you're on the stage more often then not.
there is a passion inside of me, stirring to be released. i cannot show this sort of thing within a studio, even at the dress rehearsal.
on stage that love begins to show, and i am a different being.
i love it. i love it all.