what to say...

it's sunday morn,
and i do not know where to go
it's a morning after a fight
and i'm still mad
it's the day after some major thinking
and i still don't know what to do
it's nine hours after a riddle was told to me
and i still haven't figured it out



1] i'm losing you, i'm losing us, you're so confused about trivial stuff; learn to grow up sir.

2] how dare you say that, and not explain! i cannot ask more, or else feel doomed to thy persecution. oh how dare love by thy torment!

3]mysteries are said; and days are numbered... why and if and how and no.

4] there is no words, for anything else i have to say.

friendship? i don't think you know what that is.

friend⋅ship
  /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/ [frend-ship]
–noun
1. the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.

to be, or not to be, THAT is the question.

so i'm supposed to find my passion.
and think.
i was told yesterday how my mother was disappointed in me, but really, she didn't mean it like that at all. she just told me what she saw with me throughout my dancing years.

she told me i could go back; if i look through it all, find my passion, apply myself, and figure out what i could get out of it besides a 80,000$ + debt.

a chance to go back...
wow.
and i definitely couldn't base it on friends haha cuz the ones i love will all be leaving this year. stupid college seniors and high school seniors.
haha.
which is a good thing, really, it helps me.


wow.

hello/goodbye

"you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye"

no one else would understand; so i hope you do.
even though you'll never read this, it is something i need to say.




{this was what started it all... my blog; read my very first entry}

me and you..

last time i tried to "help", you pushed me away.
i'm tired of being there, and not being wanted.
i told myself; i told you, i'd be there... but somehow i'm not what you want
you want that person who bends over backwards for you
something i learned i cannot do
i'll be there, but i'll help you see ways
haha that's what i had happen to me
life is always the classroom; every experience there is a lesson behind it.

1. i apologized, and you didn't accept it
2. i listened, but you didn't want me to talk
3. i loved you, but you wanted more and less then that, and now everything is gone for us

i'm not a puppet, oh people, i am my own.
each and every one of you has tried to change me
hiding behind bible verses, and destroying on your warpaths


"sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"

i wish i could stick to that. but alas, i'm still learning words don't have to hurt.
so as i become my own little hermit, if you ever wonder why, i'd like you to know it's because of you. you, all of you, and then me and God.

as i write along the lines on a page no one seems to read, i cry out to say i cannot be the person that when you need i'll be there. the friendship is a circle, not a solid line when needed.
i'm always there, but as you push away, the less i'll be there for you. because do you ever wonder if i am in need too?

heart gone awry

hurt. that's all i seem to feel anymore.
that's not good.
i should be above those trivial parts.
i am my own self, i do not need anyone else but God.
earthly treasures should mean nothing to me.
but it does.
f***/

at least i know God will never desert me.
and i have those who have not deserted me; i'm not saying you have.

i hate love, i hate friendships, i hate people. there. i said it.
i'm trying to find every piece of my broken heart; because the last time i tried to give it to someone, it shattered. then again, i didn't quite have all the pieces... but.. will i ever get it all again? who knows.

i need to stop.

confusion, much?

i get it. it's confusing. you're confused; we're confusing; i'm confused.
confuse is your word.

DAMNIT do you ever even consider perhaps i'm hurting just as bad as you are??????
it's not all about you, and i hate how you continue to hide behind your excuses.

you wanted friends, i gave you friends,
and now you run away from the freedom we have.



i hope you think, sometimes.
because now that i've lost most of my friends within the past month, i hope you're happy that losing my best friend has hurt the most; and that yeah. i'm not one with a rock hard heart. i do actually have one, i just don't complain to you.