hallelujah.

you know, i'd almost ask to go to the land where unicorns are real, and all the greek mythology creatures come to life.
but then God wouldn't be with us, and i cannot accept that.
God is amazing. He truly is.

saturday nights alright for fighting!

how amazing is it that when you ask for a miracle and God gives it to you. and he did. overnight.
then i felt like the service tonight was screaming my name haha

hung out with rose red all day!!!! great day. think i'm sunburnt a bit.. lol but we had fun i'd like to think!!


its great to walk about feeling almost confident again. almost.

well; how glorious God is and i love Him.

i'm holding on to naught but frustration
hearing it scream within my hands
the worst part is; i don't know what to do
except turn back time, something i do not know how

how foolish are we when our emotions overtake us
how embarrassed we become, and then the tears fall
it affects our moods,
and we see life as nothing

because all that ever matters is what happened then

i'm wishing and hoping somewhere you'll understand
though thru puzzles and rhymes i hide my face
cowardice?

zig-zag patterns

can you feel the wind and rain beat up against your back,
the thunder clapping in remorse
and the lightening showing up what you lack

feel the wind whispering your disappointments
wandering rivers flowing down
when will wisdom soon be found?

fractured words, broken silences

zig-zag patterns...

bahhhhhhh can i fuck it up anymore?

God is giving us summer!

wow. so yesterday i hung out with lizzy, dennis, kirstie, and friends. we were at salt water state park, and were there for a while.. then we went up to the pier itself, and then dennis proposed to lizzy.
so amazing to watch!!!!! she started crying.
so did kirstie and i... lol
such beautiful thing to see.


kirstie's going to france next week!!!!!!!!!! so excited for her!


bible study was last night too. greg was in oregon, so jeffrey and tobin lead it. pretty good. i just somehow didn't have any of the questions... don't know how i missed them lol

pretty fun. just wish i could speak the uh, "chinese" language hahahaha oh well. you can't speak my language either,
i really don't know if i'm totally acting up or not. give me patience, oh Lord, because i don't know what else to ask for.


going to pierce today to see what i can do for myself at the moment. we'll see!

tough shit.

i waited all day to have a breakdown.
wow. at least i tried to give it to Christ.

seeing thru the transparency

tell me when the sun sets, what do you looks for?
do you look at the red, slowly fading away, like the love you feel for someone draining away?
the pinks that engulf each memory of friendship?
orange that guiltily wiggles itself fingers up to try and grasp what is not his?
or yellow, the smiles that warm any bad day....
or the purples and blues that remind us all of the wars we have within our minds, the anguish of the heart..
or do you see the wonders of the sun itself, slowly going to sleep as it says goodnight, admits defeat, and lets the moon shine its beautiful glory; all glowing to prove its worth.

do you see the jealousy between the two, the endless rivalry?
how each love each other so much but cannot bear to face each other as both remember the pain each cause...

one paints its love in the sky, and bears to show it as each time it wakes up remembering, and the last thing it thinks of as it goes to sleep; oh sun?
or the other as it scatters endless lights among the sky so that it might light a path so that no fears are near, connecting all the wonderful stories and memories they both have shared together? oh moon...


i cannot; the clouds are weeping gentle harsh silent loud rain, lamenting the sorrows whispering and shouting in the wind something i cannot interpret.
but oh, summer, take me back to the place where i too, can remember such days like the sun and the moon, and create such the same.
show me the rainbow God gave to us. show me the same love he gives us.

june fools?

did you know today was the first official day of summer?

the dog ate my homework? [among other things]

well i might as well say the dog ate my homework... and yes i just now decided to look at it instead of earlier on.. but i'd rather have it fresh in my mind instead of doing it all the day after we get it..
yeah no idea where i lost it!!!
so i'm reading philippians.. and not doing the homework... oops.


so. my path in life is never a straight one..
now that i know for definite it is just not the time for SOMA yet... i mean i knew when i left from the test but i'm just glad it's hit me now. it's official hahaha
it's amazing when you feel like you're standing at the edge of a cliff, but for once you're not scared to jump off it. you're ready to tackle whatever lies down at the bottom of the deep blue sea. why, you ask? because God created it, therefor God has His hands there ready to catch you.
yeah so what's the weirdest is i got to the next chapter. and boy was i ready for it. outta the Q and into a job i absolutely love. one positive out of not going to SOMA in the fall is that i don't have to worry about losing a day of my job! i mean i'm teaching dance, something i wanted to do since i was younger. just didn't expect that i was doing it so soon.
two years ago i thought i was going to dance forever... and wow it's already been that long.
now here i am in between absolutely everything.. just weird how God works, huh?
well for now i'm looking into pierce college, and yeah pierce instead of greenriver because i want to focus on psychology. two year associate's to transfer into a university. yeah the girl who hates school in general :P kinda crazy, huh?

we're on this earth for a reason: to worship God and to proclaim Him and His work everywhere.
so hallelujah, He's giving me something, i'm just a little blind.. hehehe

I LOVE MY LIFE!

prisoner of the mind.

rushing rivers hit the stone
angry voices here alone
blackened eyes calling doom
send me somewhere out of my room
crumbling walls, made of disaster
find me somewhere, somewhere after
where has all the happiness gone
tell me where i can find that song
the song of peace, of safe mind
the song where i was once kind
where wars were not meant to sign
treaties weren't broken; planets align[ed]

now chaos rules its mighty hand
and i am banished to the land
with nothing but a broken name
somehow i mush finish the game
no arrow, sword, nor a gun
only the sweat i've made from the sun
defeat i must, but no weapon
but faith alone has now begun

take me out i must surrender to end
give back me, to start again

make me whole.

butterfly butterfly, fly fly away

the best part of finding out how people work together,
is finding out whether or not opposites work.
finding out how the passionate people mesh with unpassionate people.
this scares the hell out of me. no idea if it'll work fine or else it'll see it as a dead wall.
i love adventures God puts in front of us, because my oh my they're amazing to follow thru when you see them!

bahh. humbug.

bahhh

what a day.
well post morning:

i found out about my test. i need a different turn in the road.
tonight was about prayer, and i'm glad i went. it was definitely for me.

jeffrey played fantastically even though he doesn't believe me. i even got to hear a song of him singing!
i forgot how much i love their songs there. really good worship.
then tobin and greg and alex were all up there too hahaha


and then after having fun i feel like i ruined an evening and got people stressed out :( i had to walk by the awkwardness and stress of it all and now i'm in a bad mood.
how awful is that to instigate a bad thing?
i mean i'm in a HORRIBLE mood :'(

saturday, rainy day

two great classes again today, i love the fact that I LOVE MY JOB!
i just have one girl who sometimes is irritating... but other then that it's awesome!
taught them chainee's today, [for the nondancing folk, they're turns that travel]

tonight i'm going to church at calvary again, seeing jeffrey play!! lead guitar, woot!

dah-dee-dah

blahhhh thursdays are the worst.

funny, i see myself almost headed down the same path as last summer...
though i better come to know exactly who you are,
but i shall wait and see, and drag myself oh so slowly, no running this time.
oh how i love summer, if only the sun would love us the same. whatever happened to global warming?

innocence.

today while being butterflies in my dance class my youngest three year old boy told me he wanted to fly to find God

good morning :]

what a wonderful feeling to wake up and the first thing you do is smile.

[colbie caillet] - fallin' for you

i don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don't know where to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you (x2)

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I'm fallin' for you

tuesday is here!

there's just something nice to be able to get butterflies everytime.
first time: someone asked for my number.
:D

subbing classes tonight,
then running to community. [yes i am crazy for going to the last bit of it, but oh well!]

to anyone who needs to see,

you are beautiful, strong, and God loves you.

scrambles

monday's gone, and i used the little mermaid as my happy place. with a panini... and legos..
now i'm laying in my room talking to a friend and being alright now. i'm better.
but am i hiding?

tuesday's tomorrow and it's full of chaos. brothers to pick up, drop off, subbing, running to the opposite end to hear the last bit of church and dairy queen hopefully !
please be better tomorrow, tuesday. i need it.
which reminds me that i should read my bible.

dying my red streak tonight! haven't done that in eons. looks way past orange now.

the test is tomorrow!

SUNSHINE, DAISIES MELLOW YELLOW

turn this stupid fat rat yellow! OMG IT'S SUNNY FOR ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!
gahhhhhh so happy
and i'm in a yurt all day :/ lol i hope we go outside.

thank you God for a wonderful life :]

love this sun!!

today was busyyyyyyyyy
and of course, like predicted for once, it was GORGEOUS outside!!!
work this morning,
then a first aid class.
graduation party, went to play in a park.
after dinner,
a fundraiser in which my friend was asked to perform again later on in life down the road!!
movie at her house.

hello, home. i shall not be here tomorrow :( because i'm stuck in a yurt all day studying :P

starwars nameee

something i love doing? having a debate with someone. a NICE one. something that's funny and can make you laugh at either end as well as think.
not something you get frustrated at, or irritated at the other person.
something that ends up making you learn about the other person.

thurrrrrsday

haha so my dance class, was, officially amazing. it went so well.
i'm on my way home and telling God in my car thank so much for wednesday going well, i spoke too soon.
barely five minutes i swear after that and i'm getting pulled over. again. ANOTHER light was out. [after that morning i sorta freaked earlier on my signal light blowing out; talking to my dad about if i could get pulled over for it..]
oh yes, i am just that cool.
so i had to go buy two lightbulbs this time... and put one on again in the rain. haha
at least this time i was better prepared.

that night was bible study again/
i love these nights. there's something so cool how we [well half of us] barely know each other and yet there's that bond that keeps us together and relaxed around each other. i'm so glad i decided to go to it. whether or not it is more towards the study or the fellowship, it's supposed to be about both.

we stayed up watching harry potter with this hilarious parody twist.. i don't remember the name. but it was good, i was sorry i had to go.

rain again :/ lol when will it stop! i want summer, please. or at least spring?

wednesday revelations [or should i say philippians? lol]

what is hope?
why do we cling onto it, when sometimes hope lets us fall?
we keep going back, with whatever leads us to it; hope faith destiny karma fate....
over and over again...
how desperate are we, this generation, for a miracle?



work today, let hope THIS wednesday it actually goes alright!!!!!! *crosses fingers*
study study study :P :P :P one more week and i'm through... hopefully.
greg's tonight!!
man i gotta read more philippians... its not that i don't want to i just forget! how does one forget the bible.... :/ lol

to you,

if one can hide and deny feelings for three years, why can't they do it all over again?
just because you didn't get your happy ever after, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. doesn't mean you have the right to be depressed the rest of your life.
move on with it, or else you're going to lose friends. your bridges will burn.
life is fragile, true friendship is rare/
if you'd like to fuel the fire coming out of your mouth then by all means continue.
you're doing it entirely by will, you know. putting yourself in situations that comes back to you and you don't know how to handle it. you put yourself in that place anyway, and you know it. so figure it out.
get out of the mopey, feeling sorry for yourself phase, because you're acting like someone else you know all too well. and you didn't like it when that happened, did you?

sure, one can dream and hope and pray, but if it isn't what supposed to happen, then figure out how to live without it.
you wrote the letter, you never sent it. you know the truth, but you're scared of saying anything.
that's on you, not them. so don't take it out on them either.

live life as you lived before. you were happy, free, right?
you'll have that what if... following you for a long time. it's gonna haunt you. but what's done is done, and you can't erase that. so get out of the blues and be happy again.
don't sacrifice the friendship for your own selfish desires.
you can pray. pray for deliverance thru this. for patience, possibly, and for strength.
you can do this. you've been able to do this the last three years or so.
so why would it be any harder now? they don't know all of it. but they might if you keep setting yourself up for it.

turn off the burner, and melt back.
be happy. find your joys.

you have this stupid of way of getting me to say the truth..

the crevice

it's like i'm standing on a crevice, one foot on each side.
i'm level, weighted, to the point where i can't shift over to one side or the other...
the only other safety i have is a harness secured around me.
i fall down, down into the abyss of air surrounding me,
it's like i life without feelings, without love, without friendship
then i get pulled back up with elasticity from that harness that keeps me from going into darkness of the heart;

you see i lot my balance, so i stepped out towards the only direction i knew of stability: love.
somehow i got caught in between, in between friendship, and love.
i feel so secure, and never want to change...
no matter how hard i try to forget one side, or push off of it
it's there, part of me now,
so there's me. standing on the crevice with one foot on one side, and one foot on the other.
in the middle, love and friendship.
stuck together.

[untitled]

leave now, oh foolish one
i care not of your company
you're rendering something beyond me
dreams wasted
worries strengthened
smiles lost
and hope forsaken
what is it, to hold so dear?
like memories forgotten,
i hope i become one
even though it is only a watery apparition
breaking down
canceled secrets
lack of bravery
reborn, newborn, and oldborn
denial?
there can be no possibilities
freak out-break out-take out
we're only young,
old soul

to believe, or not to believe

quiet, you're hurting
wandering around
head facing downward
pain, pain, pain
with blood running down your blind, forsaken eyes
with scars on your back,
covered with lies

singing softly a song
you no longer love
unaware of those reaching out to hear your melodies

all alone, and far away
tossed about in some drowning sea
closing the door
locking the heart
frozen in time

quiet, you're hurting
wandering around
head facing downward
...
with blood running down your blind forsaken eyes
with scars on your back,
covered with lies

blinded you are by the love that could be yours
capabilities and expectations have blurried your vision
icicles killed and bodies ripped apart
all the pain you can imagine
fallen, beaten, spit on and called out
dragged, let down, broken and left

old soul, find youth.

saturday rays

so i don't do awkward.
it doesn't work. i will not be swayed to awkwardness.
so help me, let it not be.
nervous. stupid butterflies. and then i laugh.
i get all worked up on thinking of what boundaries are, perhaps i should forget them just cuz isn't that where awkwardness comes from?
lol i've never had to deal with this before hahahahahaha



other note:
sunshine is out, thank God.
one of my little girls gave me a ring today, she was so sweet!

hopeless romantic.

thursday. how perfectly boring.

well. i would say yesterday was not my day.
i got so stressed over a few things that when a cop pulled me over i lost it.
break light out and expired tabs. all ten minutes before work.
just a warning!!
yeah and work is a happy atmosphere with cute adorable attention-wandering kids. that was fun trying to get myself back into that.
the haven happened to be the breece's/ i love becki and rose so much they just let me sit in their house until i had to go pick up my brother. i guess being lonely without a mom to talk to has its toll. nice to have friends with open arms.
even if i feel completely stupid about me falling apart on the account.

later; i was able to buy myself the tabs, and then even the light i needed AND got it IN THE CAR AND WORKING! i felt like such a mechanic hahahaha
[i was determined to go to a bible study that night]

interesting how we build friendships up, tear them down eat them up, wash them away, and rebuild the cycle all over again.
idk also funny how when people also say certain things about the person/people, as everyone laughs about it and you can hide so easily behind such statements. but feel so differently.
gahhh
i just hope this friendship didn't get murdered yesterday. if i was a better actor, perhaps it could have been alright. but no. i just fuck it up. prayers, that i didn't just burn down the bridge of this friendship.

community study last night was wonderful. it got everything off my mind for the three hours i was there. and it helped. now it would be good if i actually remembered to read the whole book of philipians this week... haha and do the homework!


well there's sun today, which i am excited about. that is a good start of a happy thing.
idk how i feel or what will happen, what to do or how to preserve. but i'm going to go into this war battling and saving as hard as i can, because i'm not willing to let it destroy what i have worked so hard to keep together.

the eggs are in the basket.

are we doomed by our nature? yes.
funny how some little tiny something can put your entire mood down.
which sucked, because it shouldn't have.
and then, oh yes, then i call myself out, and i do not know which to believe... is my heart speaking or my mind?
am i playing games with myself or is this actually real?
God is, once again, laughing at me i'm pretty sure quite hard.
is it the thought, the disappointment, or me taking it out or proportion?!?
here i go again. already.
bahhh


anyway. rose's birthday!!!!! was a wonderful day, we took her up to seattle and she was surprised!
jackie, anthony and i stuffed ourselves into the trunk of the van to yell out at her, which was great, except we scared moses....
happy birthday, rose red.

surprise...