castle on a dream

i live in a castle on a dream,
floating...
the castle is dark and damp; silence echoes through its halls
in a comatose-like state, i wander aimlessly
trying to find my way through its mazes
but for what purpose? i wonder in my head
it is like my prison, and yet my comfort
outside i long to escape; yet inside protects me...
from what, you ask? i do not know

my long lost lover disappeared so many nights ago
i often wonder if he no longer rides his white steed
so i wait quietly
humming notes of a song we agreed


i live in a castle, floating on a dream
waiting for life to bring me elsewhere

black friday/

i clearly hate thanksgiving traditional stuff, except for the food and the family bonding time. [guess that covers quite a bit...]
last year i was up in tennessee with a friend and her crazy family for thanksgiving.
this year i ate at home GOOD COOKING and played scattegories with my family. much better.
i feel like thanksgiving almost marks a new year. what's funny is to think of where i was last year at this time. i was at college. barely seventeen. i had just broken up with my boyfriend of the time at the beginning of the month.
around this time the next month i found out i needed to stay home. i fell in love in december with a boy who i didn't even see until april, really. tell me how that is amazing. it wasn't a physical bonding. we marked out our stars and souls over the internet, late nights of spilling secrets.
i went into depression soon after january, the truth of great friends no longer there for me was a big hit.
i'm thankful for the time i had there at north carolina.
depression hit and life was a rollercoaster. [not to say it isn't now!!] i was picked up by a friend, and held onto dearly in one of the deepest "relationships" i have ever had. from february on things began to pick up.
i fell in love again. yes, i believe i had. i found two different kinds of love this year. summer was a race to reach the 'goal'. the goal of the boy.
i began to spend almost every night with this kid, my summer basically consisted of work and the Boy.
i am thankful for him; he pulled me up and out of depression.
september started and i no longer spoke with him. he went off to college and i am still here.
september's came and went, so did october.
i turned eighteen.
november is all but gone.
i am now in the midst of that humongous rollercoaster again... and it's hard to "rehab" it again, especially since your 'teacher' isn't there this time...

my hopes, dreams, desires and troubles have all changed, turned, twisted and are here again.
i am thankful for not losing my head completely.


and i have that butterfly of hope resting on my shoulder.

happy turkey day.

daily notes

it's interesting to realize that you are longing for something, or someone.
at the moment.. someone.
you start to remember everything good about them, all your memories, and the "badness" goes away....


so i'm creating a book. haha i know, my seventieth billion one.
i am and actually have been taking notes on what guys are. what they do. how they react.
this is going to be big.




and the rest of you; laugh now, it'll get big. the scheme of mine will go somewhere. hahahahahahaha

quoting william

"by your patience, no. my stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might, perhaps, distemper yours; therefore i shall crave of you your leave that i may bear my evils alone. it were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you" - william shakespeare, twelfth nigh

i want you to know - backstreet boys

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

therapeutic?

it is interesting how letters help you.
it becomes therapeutic, helping you thru your "alcoholism". lol.
what's funny, is for one thing, i will be doing this.
for the other? i wouldn't consider it period. haha. and i know no one can understand this, but there's a reason why i'm not saying anything.
we had problems with this too, yet this is helping me now.
who even knows what this is....

i don't think you read this anymore... but yeah. lol i'm going to stop typing now.
lol

i am eighteen and one day.

yesterday was the start of a new beginning. of some sort.
i am now eighteen. i am no longer a "child". but am i an adult?
i now can make an ebay account, pierce my nose, get tattoos all over the place, buy a lottery ticket; i can go buy a house, buy a plane ticket, move out, vote.
is this weird, or what?
i have entered the throngs of 'adulthood', yet i am clear eighteen. clearly i have to wait until i'm twenty to get out of being a teen?
oh so weird.

i got many wishes from many people :] thanks all.
funny how one side of the family totally forgot....
and the ones i was sure they'd remember did not, and those surprised me by wishing.
but now i'm obviously rambling.

off to work now.........
ciao

today, i turn 18. happy birthday to myself :]

and tonight, tonight is the last eve of my childhood....

if i could write a story, it would be about me and you
i'd write pages and pages of my nostalgia,
make sure it all comes out
if only i knew what to say...

your idea of a good friend was...

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in the gym so you wouldn’t have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn’t have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.

In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn’t laugh at you when you finished and broke out in tears.

In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn’t wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents you shouldn’t be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelve grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go…

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelve grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn’t deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through just about anything, helped you pack up for that college/university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at those 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it through college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of two choices, holds your hand when you’re scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold onto it a bit longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you.

no surprise (daughtry)

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

story by eliana clark (ncsa 07)

you should walk to his house and then throw rocks at his door
and then leave with a sweet kiss
and then keep coming back
but then at the last moment don't come and have him wanting YOU!
haha...well walking 20 billion miles away would make the "romantic movie" interesting
it would be like...i needed you
much more interesting then..ill see you next summer
you need spices in your soup for it to be edible
maybe you should fly there!
that would be romantic as well and less messy
yes yes! PLANE!!
sneak onto a plane
making you bad with the law would up the ratings
your a dancer...you can "move" around easier
well...love will let you do amazing things
you kissed him????
awww...well that earned you romantic story 1 star
yes but there are 4 stars for an Oscar

well now our plot will have to change

humm...then maybe instead of a plane you should go back to the walking
You will get muddy on your way and boys like girls a little "dirty" especially the young ones
you are going to see him a few times before next summer and it's going to be sweet and romantic...
you are going to fall in love and then go to camp with each other...soon you guys get older and things get more complicated...he finds another girl and you find another guy that is what would be classified as "perfect for you"....you date the new guy and get married
but then Eric comes back into your life by accident when you see him in a mall (or something along those lines)...you talk a little but nothing too deep...but then that night he comes to your window and throws rocks
he ends up taking you to a beautiful spot over looking a wonderful view...you make out under the stars and go pretty far
but then you have to go to your husband again (and he has to go to his wife)...but you don't feel bad because you still love him secretly
he leaves his wife a few years later and tries to win over your love once again...but you are afraid
finally you will see he is for you and you will fun into his arms and be happy
then you will grow old...and blah blah blah
END!

"You can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong, but at the same time, the moment you feel like letting go you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes, you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."

hanging by a moment - lifehouse

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

workworkworkwork

a long week, without even trying to, i've been working until at least five each day. yes, my hours are roughly 7.5 hours, but i've been going more then 8....
when i clocked out today, i hit 40 hours. and i'm about to go in for an hour tomorrow...... haha!
holey moley.


upgraded by 20 cents!
haha.

needless to say, i am exhausted. holey moley!

thoughts shoved together mixed into a poet's disaster

so blinded by love i don't know how to live
i'm so in love i don't know what to do
everything i want to give
is all done for you

so i'll cry for you i'll cry for me i'll cry because you're breaking my heart you see
but i won't tell you no i won't i can't let you see that side of me again
nothing happened nothing will
the wall was broken but built up again just weak
where will this lonely path end

falling in love is dangerous.
staying in love when you have parted is fatal

bahh

you have no idea how much you mean no matter how i hide it
it never works
i love you that's it
that's all i need


you have no idea how

that can break into a thousand pieces and mess you up so badly - is that good or bad?

passionate lovemud


i am green green for the entire situation
and hate that i am in love
stupid love don't talk to me
i'm crying anyway
those tears of rainbows washing away the feelings
or at least make believe

i want to run run to you
run away
or perish from these feelings

i cannot describe what i want to say


no matter what no matter how you still have half my heart and always will
and damn myself if i never recover
but damn you for enticing me
i love you. that's all i can say.

mind-boggling

it's amazing how music can rev you up so high with God
it takes a while to push you back down.
because God doesn't need you to "reach out" to him. he's right next to you. he's extending his hand out to you. isn't that completely crazy and mind boggling to try and really understand? you can't!

i've made mistakes i've tried to swallow my pride
in the end it doesn't work; it's something i cannot hide
so i'll give it to you, oh Lord,
and let it fall away
for you and only you can come and save the day

talk is cheap kisses are expensive smiles are quick grins are long hearts beat fast the mind runs slow i'm half way here half way not i've loved i've lived i've parted i've died.
but i arose from the ashes in the morn sleepless helpless hopeless in love.

love love love looove

sitting near the window
looking out to the beyond
playing stories in my head
while the piano sings the rest

a tear rolls down her face
as nostalgia clings to her heart
like a mold not wanting to let go
she cannot accept what will not happen
nor ever will
she stares out, not grasping the world around her
but prefers to sit alone and relive her golden moments in her head

one never really stops loving, but learns to live without,
reading your stories makes me wonder
what clues are interwoven within

the one guy she wants
she'll never get
the storybook is over
no happily ever after for her

sitting near that window
looking out to the beyond
playing her stories in her head
while the piano sings the rest

i cry for the memories i can never have
and know that love is still there

you can never stop loving someone..
but you can learn to live without.

she learns...
slowly, day by day
until she makes a cocoon of love
and i step forward in life
with nostalgia but a curtain behind me
her cape-like swirling in her wake
and i bask in the memory of her love

songs to lyrics

have you ever just listened to the lyrics and the meanings of the songs, instead of just singing them?
whisked away into dreamland,
playing that song over and over again
every word memorized
every pause perfect
tears running down
as the song itself hits home
deep deep into the heart

stop
stop
stop and listen
to the lyrics
hear the meanings of the song
instead of repeating your moments over and over again
and see how deep, the lyrics hit your soul.....

one of my many muses

"From now on it's eyes closed. You can find me here until I come home."
keenan jollif

today, i'm reaching out to God's hands, audition!!!

I HAVE AN AUDITION TODAY AND I'M SEMI FREAKING OUT
well i have God on my side and prayers in my pocket
my adrenaline's rushing and i am eating a healthy breakfast
ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh
thanks for those who have me in their prayers <3
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
this is nothing like any summer audition. this is legit.

goodbye/hello:hello/goodbye

"Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?"

but the hello always ends with the goodbye..
the kiss is the aloha, it is the hello, and it is the goodbye

i shall cry and cry and cry to get by
cuz i know you love me
but it will never work between us two
baby don't you worry
baby don't you cry
you're there, i'm there
with miles between us
so close are we in spirit, in heart, in soul

a whole new world on that magic carpet ride...
goodbye/hello:hello/goodbye
forever fatal
forever doomed

and i remain a hopeless romantic.

wait for me - theory of a deadman

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away

Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

"oh baby you did fall out the empire state building;

like a brick thrown across
crashing down
i'm no longer falling, i've fallen
BAM! flat on concrete

i think you're in love,"

boyz boyz boyz?

it's amazing how we really do change along the years.
we grow up with people, and fall apart;
we never meet them until an accidental moment and become best friends for life.

mortal enemies become the object of desire
we act differently to those 'certain' people...
hormones rage
mean becomes nice
boys like girls,
girls like boys.

i laugh at the fact our minds are changing from what we used to be sworn to think otherwise.
friend pacts are broken,
smiles are no longer hidden, eye batting is a new trend
whispers, giggles, the horror of the newfound feelings

what are these things?
haha ci <3

nostalgic for disaster

"it was awful waking up to music today and not to you going to class"

stars? oh why

why? idk why anymore then you can try to explain it
you asked "why did the stars pull us apart"
who the fuck knows. but i know magic is possible.