here's to life {older poem - april09}

it's hard to tell the good from the bad,
the right from the wrong,
the truth from the lies.

it's hard to listen to your heart,
live without regrets,
and go with your gut instinct.

it's hard to recognize the people you need to keep in your life,
the people that don't matter,
and the people that are your teachers.

it's hard to go through life with out throwing it away;
when everything brings you down, and you feel like quitting.
trying to see the good through the bad, without raging a war through your problems. without yelling at everyone in sight, and giving a hug to someone who needs it more then you.
it's hard to smile at a gloomy day, to listen what your mother has to say; to laugh when all is crying, and to stay in the present and not the past.

when the world seems to hate you, try to love them right back.
try to make the best of every situation, even when you hate how it turned out.

there's always someone who will be 'perfect' when you are not, something will never turn out the way you want it, somewhere is better then where you are.

here's to the nights you stay up way too late,
to the drama we suffer through and the days we're down in the blue;
to the days where nothing is possible and times where we feel worthless,
remember;
somewhere down the line, it's gonna turn out right.
somewhere down the line, life's gonna flip itself upside down.

it will get better.

but you need to remember hope. always remember to hope.
when life gives you lemons, find the vodka and make yourself a drink.
and drink to life.
this awful, tragic, beautiful, gripping, irritating, passionate life that we were given.
we only have one life to live;
we might as well live it.

you make me unstable
you make me feel fearless
by day i'm strong
by night i am weak
daydreams and nightmares
heavy sighs but no, no heartbreaks
just break my heart, would you
so you'd be no more upon my mind
i cannot get over the fact that i still love you
fate is such a cursed thing

haunting me is what could have been, but shall never be

you make me unstableeeeee

why is it that people want to walk all over you?
a "friend" today called to tell me that she was going to visit.
she brought three people with her - two guys, whom i've met - and then another 'friend' of mine. this other girl will act just like the first when they're together.. girl#1 has a fit when i tell her i used up my discount.. so she can't have it. she goes and has a kidz meal so it's still cheap.. girl#2 goes with something cheap but she's okay with it.

i believe the "visit" ended up being a 'hi'.... before she ignored me the entire time as well as the other girl.....

oh except they all laughed at me and called me names as on of the bitches shows me her boyfriend in rehab for DRUGS looked different... i couldn't tell. i've seen him once. that's it.
she calls me a jerk so i got up and went back to work. then she calls me more names to me when i get up.

WTFWTFWTFWTF

:(

"and i'll forget the world that i knew but i swear i won't forget you.. oh, if my voice could reach back through the past"
the fact that you like it means so much more
i'll keep it on until it dies....

i sometimes wish you'd break my heart; so i would not go on loving you..

i wish you'd break my heart sometimes so i'd get over you.

first time - lifehouse

We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance letting you inside

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as a sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Well maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes

Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance letting you inside

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as a sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Well maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as a sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Well maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

Like being in love she said for the first time
Like being in love with you the first time

isaiah 53

1 Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?
2 -6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

7 -9He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

10Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

11 -12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it. Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins. Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors— Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest. He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

i do not like the life i have right now
i complain too much and start to dislike myself
i dance in hopes of passion and end in sadness
i find myself missing the people i should not dwell on too much
i open myself up and pick myself apart
i get mad and fight in the job i don't truly appreciate
i daydream for other days as time comes slowly
i seek peace in times where peace should not be
who am i, to want more out of this life, when life does not have more for me?
give me what you want, oh Lord, for i am desperate to give you my life.

the inward battles we fight everyday...
the places we are change the opinions, come what may...
one day i'm like yes! please please please
the next i tell myself i can't, falling on my knees

i'm praying, praying, praying to you,
because, my Lord, i don't know what to do...

the nights i'm in church, my eyes open to what is right
but through the week, i know what i want, i think about it at night...


eternal battles....

you had me at hello - kenny chesney

One word, that's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see

And I don't know how it happened
But it happened still
You asked me if I love you
If I always will

Well you had me from "Hello", I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start, you completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go

I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

Inside, I built the walls
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground

And I swore to me
I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time
I let someone in

But you, had me from "Hello", and I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start, you completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go

I never even had the chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

That's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to, turn my head
You had me from "Hello"
You had me from "Hello"
Girl, I've loved you from "Hello"

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling.
I fear no fate for you are my fate,my sweet. I want
no world for beautiful, you are my world,my true.
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart

-e.e. cummings

you're beautiful - james blunt

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

we're already half way through the week, thank goodness.
it sucks when we're walking through life and it's not fun. not good. rather depressing.
it's pretty big to say 'i'm tired of life'. very big indeed..
i have nothing good to put out here anymore.
i'm walking through blindly.
i'm dreading the day, because of the people i "have" to be involved with.
i'm tired of getting walked all over.
of bitterness.
of negative energy.
of unbrokeness of the will, ONLY to the point where we can't seem to compromise each other.
the feel of abandonment of friends, when really it's not that..
of hating my life, and having to guard my heart oh so carefully.
of knowing i have a vulnerable heart, and there seems to be nothing i can do about it.
of the fights i have with my family..
of myself.

i'm trying so hard to keep praying, with faith. trying to stay positive. but it's so hard to do so. even though i know, my help comes from Him.
it's so hard to stay upright in a boat while the worst storm is throwing it about.

SALT

tonight at church we talked about us being the salt of the earth. you know...
matthew 5:13-16.
we talked about how literally and figuratively 'salt' is and how Jesus was using it and us for the example.

also on how our weapons are:
1. prayer
2. evangelism
3. example
4. argument
5. action
6. suffering

we are to BE in the world, but not OF it,



and during all this we also talked about to not just be holed in our little church friends group and not talk to anyone outside of it, etc etc,
and i realized two blogs ago, i talked about wanting to hole up back into my "castle", my fortress or safeguard, and how Jesus is telling us no..... we need to step out and wander far to make ourself fishers of men! and to use all our 'weapons' to people. we were not put on this earth, and Jesus did NOT die for us just so we can sit around being average and just living..
we are a separate group of people who need to change the world. that is why we are the salt.

it was just cool to realize that no, no i cannot just hole up and hide, i am "doomed" to wander.. doomed to proclaim GOD! and i am proud and excited of it :D

'til summer comes around - keith urban

Another long summer's come and gone,
I don't know why it always ends this way,
The boardwalk's quiet and the carnival rides,
are as empty as my broken heart tonight,

But I close my eyes and one more time,
I'm spinnin' around and you're holding on tightly,
The words came out, I kissed your mouth,
No 4th of July has ever burned so brightly,
You had to go, I understand,
But you promised you'd be back again,
And so I wonder round this town,
Til summer comes around.

I got a job workin' at the old park pier,
And every summer now for 5 long years,
I grease the gears, fix the lights, tighten bolts, straighten the tracks,
And I count the days til you just might come back,

But then I close my eyes and one more time,
I'm spinnin' around and you're holding on tightly,
The words came out, I kissed your mouth,
No 4th of July has ever burned so brightly,
You had to go, I understand,
But you swore that you'd be back again,
And so Im frozen in this town,
Til summer comes around.

Oh Then I close my eyes and you and I,
Stuck on the ferris wheel rockin' with the motion,
And hand in hand we cried and laughed,
Knowin' that the earth belonged to us, girl, if only for a moment,
Baby I'd be back again, you whispered in my ear,
But now the winter wind is the only sound,
And everything is closin' down,
Til summer comes around,
Til summer comes around...

i would now like to put my heart under lock and key somewhere... so i can't get to it, nor anyone else.
i'm tired of it... i'm tired of pain... i'm tired of being the hopeless romantic who puts her heart on her sleeve.
:( screw love.

the rose...

so you hit me with a thorn
so surprising when i touched it
where did you hide it?
then you say retaliation?
i gave you a thorn in the first place?
bullshit
give me a random story for me to feed upon
i like fairytales
but your stories are different
i liked the rose
but without the thorns
you took them off my flower's stem
telling me you threw them away
yet i find you kept one
you give me a mirror affect
whatever happened to sunshine and rainbows?
my rose began wilting
suffocating with drama
the water is tainted
such a strong yet fragile flower
with two personalities
a beautiful gift,
yet a deadly weapon
in the labyrinth of a rose bush
the thorns intersect
like a maze of scrambled mistakes
a web of confusion
give me back my innocent flower
too late
the rose has taken a new meaning
succumbed to the "greater power"
perhaps a sunflower will do better

through the pain - medina lake

On the Chicago River after dark
We watch the city lights tear the sky apart
The wind was blowing her hair around
As the scenery explodes I tell you how

I fell into an old cliche
Always on the road, only halfway sane
No hospital can fix what I've become.

I've trapped myself in a ring of fire.
If I say I'm okay, I'm also a liar
The only way out is through the pain.
How am I gonna get through this?

I got so low that I'd get high
Just to sit and watch the miles go by.
Now I'm cold and sweaty a nauseous heart
I've got a million addictions wearing me down.
I fell into an old cliche
Always on the road, only halfway sane

I've trapped myself in a ring of fire.
If I say I'm okay, I'm also a liar
The only way out is through the pain

And as I write these words my hands start to shake
Withdrawal's kicking in not a second too late.
The only way out is through the pain.
Tomorrow I'll start again.

And now I'm begging for help I know I can't get
I've got to face this one alone.
And if I don't make it,
Remember that I'll always be a part of you.

I've trapped myself in a ring of fire
If I say I'm okay, I'm also a liar
The only way out is through the pain

And as I write these words, my hands start to shake
Withdrawal's kicking in not a second too late.
The only way out is through the pain.
Tomorrow I'll start again.

i cannot say how much people can hurt you, inside and out.
there are no words. how mad you can get for it, how horrible the pain is, and realizing under the mask of anger, is really just a whole lot of pain.
realizing your trust is shattered and broken...

what a shame - shinedown

Two packs of cigarettes a day
The strongest whiskey
Kentucky can make
That's a recipe to put a vagabond
On his hands and knees
I watched it all up close,
I knew him more than most
I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?


What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

There's a hard life for every silver spoon
There's a touch of grey for every shade
Of blue
That's the way that I see life
If there was nothing wrong,
Then there'd be nothing right
And for this working man they say could
Barely stand
There's gotta be a better place to land
Some kind of remedy for a world that
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?


What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

God forgive the hands that laid you down
They never knew how, but your broken
Heart can break the sound
And change the season
Now the leaves are falling faster,
Happily ever after
You gave me hope through your endeavors
And now you will live forever


What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same